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Happy to be single?

Littlemissanxious

Hello everyone,

I have been single for the last 3 years and out of the 4 serious relationships I have been in 3 have been abusive in different ways. The most recent wasn't however he was just not very pleasant so I ended it. I now feel too scared to even think about another relationship,  to the point I make absolutely no effort to socialise with new people. Part of me feels sad about this as I am im my 40s and always just presumed I would meet "Mr Right" and that would be it. 

I just wondered do people find their autism/adhd a big barrier in relationships? I feel my issue is I am too trusting and I believe what people tell me. I always like to see the good in people even when it's clear that they do not really have good intentions.  I just sinply do not have the feeling of wanting anyone in my life other than my  wonderful children. Maybe I will just get a pet once my children are grown! 

Sorry for the ramble, I think honestly it's not so much that I am wanting a relationship,  more like I feel I "should" as that's the "norm" expected of me. Its tiring hearing the question "is anyone new on the scene ". I now just reply with a simple "no". 

Parents

  • There's so much pressure for women to be parterned up, personally I think it's an old fashioned hang over from when women had no independence, financial and otherwise. 

    Don't get into another relationship until you feel ready to do so, there's no law that says you have to have relationships if you don't want to and maybe you're not suited to them Ifinally realised I'm not and feel loads better for it.

    iain, if bit into 10 apples and 9 of them had worms in I wouldn't eat them again, some time's you just need to learn the lessons the universe is putting in front of you, in this case it would be, don't eat apples.

  • in reply to TheCatWoman
    TheCatWoman said:
    if bit into 10 apples and 9 of them had worms in I wouldn't eat them again, some time's you just need to learn the lessons the universe is putting in front of you, in this case it would be, don't eat apples.

    If I found such a high a ratio of duff apples when research shows the norm is for apples to be healthy then I would consider if I was sourcing my apples from the wrong place, or improve my selection process to check if the apples have the entry holes where the worms get into them.

    If this didn't work then I would ask a specialist to help me choose better in future.

    To give up on what can be a delicious and healthy snack because of poor choice implies there is something wrong with what I'm doing, not that apples are inherently rotten.

    I think this is the more valuable lesson to learn.

  • in reply to Iain

    And where does one go to get all this help? In my experience therapists are pretty useless on this subject. If you look at the the divorce statistics then I think you'd find a pretty high failure rate, then theres the people who aren't married who have failed relationships, let alone the ones where a partner is just downright abusive.

    Whats wrong with not being in a relationship? Why is it seen as some sort of failure? We're all different, why can't one of those differences be not wanting to be coupled up? Society seems to be really afraid of older single people, even if we have kids from previous relationships, so won't be " a burden to society in our old age". I've seen lots of studies that show older single men dont' live as long as their married contemporaries, whereas the opposite is true with women. If single older women are happier and healthier and live longer than both their married contemporaries and single men, then to me that says theres something fundamentally wrong with how relationships work and it would seem that the problem is with the men in these circumstances.

    I have noticed that these studies only seem to involve hetrosexual relationships, maybe homosexual ones are different?

  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    Thank you everyone for the comments, I have read for them all. Yes I think I am becoming much more confident in saying at this moment in time I am actually happy on my own. Maybe in the future this will change  however currently I am actually perfectly content and need to start putting my feelings first.

    Unfortunately the previous relationships have been abusive and whilst I know I was not at all to blame for any of that, I do understand that me being so trusting and taking people at their words rather than their actions meant I attracted people who took advantage of that. However I have done alot of work on this and have applied this into getting people who did not have my best interests out of my life. 

    Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment. Its greatly appreciated 

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  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    Thank you everyone for the comments, I have read for them all. Yes I think I am becoming much more confident in saying at this moment in time I am actually happy on my own. Maybe in the future this will change  however currently I am actually perfectly content and need to start putting my feelings first.

    Unfortunately the previous relationships have been abusive and whilst I know I was not at all to blame for any of that, I do understand that me being so trusting and taking people at their words rather than their actions meant I attracted people who took advantage of that. However I have done alot of work on this and have applied this into getting people who did not have my best interests out of my life. 

    Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment. Its greatly appreciated 

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