Will special school make my son resent me later?

I'm not sure if this will help, but our son (now 29) went through his education within special needs schools - it is importtant to fin dteh right one and you will find that many have links with mainstream schools for various subjects and teh individuals capability, so you could get teh best of both worlds as our son did.

Maybe also you could consider supplementing any special scooling with activities that will bring your child into contact with the 'mainstream' community. Again we engaged with an inclusive acting group where everyone mixed together and aspects of work experience could be experienced.

It is a balnace that is needed, but we found if you getthat balanc eright an dyou an dthe special needs school work together, you will find that your child is both supported as approriate but also challenged where possible so they feel fulfilled.

Happy to give further examples if this helps

Best regards

Although I am new to the forums, and this is my first post, I just want to let you know ProudMummy that all your son needs to know is that he is loved and appreciated, and that you always try to do your best by him.

My son is currently in mainstream school as a result of being 'academically bright', but as he is now in secondary school it is being used against him, staff dont understand him, and i would say that less than 1 in 10 staff members make any kind of effort to get to know him as an actual person. In early primary school he absolutely thrived, was popular with lots of other children and great with his numbers(phonics were another matter entirely though...) but even still, his ASD and ADD were picked up on right from the start.

As he got older his personal quirks became more obvious, setting him aside from other children to some degree. He is one of the most caring children I know and this is a double edged blade that he is learning to deal with, the number of hours we have spent discussing other peoples behaviours makes me glad that I have been able to give him so much of my time and attention. It is just extremely frustrating that his current mainstream school are crushing so much time and effort due to lack of understanding.

So, basically, what I am trying to get at is that some schools are better than others, primary schools generally seem better equipped to support ASD children(or maybe it's the easier communication with a primary school...?), secondary school is a whole other matter due to the number of people involved, but so long as your son knows you are on his side and will support and love him I don't think you need to worry about him resenting you for picking one school over another, particularly if he is getting the support he needs in school(which is as much the schools resposibility as anyone elses)

Best wishes to all of you!

OMG I hadnt even thought about the fact that my son would resent us because we are sending him to a special school! He is starting a special school in Sept 2016 when he begins Year 7. I think you have to think about his needs, I worked in a high school for 8 years and I know that my son wouldn't be able to deal with it because of the amount of students and his sensory issues.

Hello everyone,

I am new to this forum but have been reading posts and they are all wonderful. Kudos to all the people helping out there with your experiences.

I have a 6 yr old diagnoised with ASD and goes to Mainstream( yr 1) with statement of one to one support. After schools raised concerns, we are moving him to a special school from sep 2016(year 2).

We had a parent teacher review meeting in his mainstream yesterday and I was really impressed with the work he has done. Though he lacks in imagination and creativity he has progressed so well in Maths and literacy and is in good level in reading. After the meeting, I was really worried if we have made the wrong decision to shift him to special school considering he is doing academically well.

His teacher says, he needs lots of prompting and his concentration levels are low.   

Do you think ASD attached unit would have been more better? There is nothing we can do now as the decision has already been made to send him special but at least i can keep this in mind in next annual review.

Any advice would he highly appreciated please.

Regards

C.

sorry, he might hate you for not giving him a chance in special school later when he finds out that he could have been in a better environment for him.

Who knows. I know that is really hard to swallow.  I was an easy target at school and whilst I didn't hate school at the time talking to someone recently I didn't enjoy school either.  As said, I was an easy target and unfortunately overheard younger ones talk about me as village idiot. I never shared this with anyone at all....  until recently with other things.

He could resent you for not giving him a chance in a better environment or he could resent you for pulling him out.  If he is unsettled there and things aren't happening, please choose for him what to do.  You are doing your best for him as any parent would do.  Apparently I was assessed for special school just before going to secondary and some how passed for secondary but think it was more on physical grounds anyway. Emotionally I can't help but wonder if I had been better elsewhere.  Autism wasn't heard of in girls back in 80's anyway.

  If he is unhappy and struggling give him a chance to shine and recapture life. Swap schools. It easier for you guys to do that today at least.  It could just simply be the wrong crowd around. Teachers don't understand or something. Look at other schools in the area. Find out what there is. But dont try to make him suffer because you are worried he might hate you later on. Who knows how he feel later on.  

How does he feel about changing schools? It could be just to another school in the area if you have that option. It don't have to be special school as such.

Hi Proudmummy. You're very kind, thank you for listening!

It sounds to me as if my faith in you is justified - you don't strike me as someone incapable of understanding where your son is, and I can only tell you how much I appreciate that. You should see some of the posts from the other type...

I'm developing an interest in how much Steiner education might be e better fit for AS children, sinmply by their approach. But this is a side issue, you've clearly got your son's best interests at heart, you clearly understand him in ways that I'm delighted to be surprised by, and I can only encourage you to do what you think best. You're the expert on your own child, you want him to be the best functioning adult that he can be, and the choices you make now will affect his future accordingly.

Astonishing good luck to you both, and again, my appreciation of your appreciation!

Hi ProudMummy,

I'm afraid that I am confused about how the "academically bright" decription sits with him being categorically not Aspergers. Did he have delay with speech and have poor language skills?

Mainstream schools vary and some can be hell for people with autism whilst another can somehow be much more congenial. Although the staff seem to understand they don't seem able to protect him from noise. Have you tried ear defenders or noise cancelling headphones? I'm sure that I have read on this forum that some cildren are allowed to use headphones in class/school as a reasonable adjustment. A simple thing like this could transform his experience.

Hi Electra and Classic Codger - thank you so much for both taking the time to provide me with such honest and candid opinions. It's very much appreciated.

I'm aware Aspergers has been removed from DSM IV, but everyone I've spoken to seems to be ignoring that fact! Health professionals included! Before we went to mainstream, the SENCO told me that only "Asperger-type" autistic children tended to manage to get through the whole of mainstream school.........

I never wanted my son in mainstream, I felt that being in a more specialised environment would be better for him. The specialist agencies who were supposed to be providing us with expert advice insisted that I would be ruining his future and limiting his options if I sent him to special school.

I have an instinctive understanding with my son, we have an extremely close bond, and I should have trusted my gut instinct back then.

I have an appointment to go and look round a special school next week - I can see how much effort he is having to expend just to get through a regular day at mainstream school. If I had to do that every day, I'd be exhausted and cranky too. 

My son is extremely passive and desperate to please. And Classic Codger, it's exactly what you said - teachers don't see past the exterior to what's really going on. 

It's not at crisis point yet, far from it, but I want to intervene before it gets to that point.

Over the last few days it's become clear to me what the right thing to do is. Unfortunately no Steiner options near us.

Thanks again for your opinions - very much appreciated.

You ask an impossible to answer question. We don't know your child, everyone is different anyway, and when all's said and done, you're the parent with responsibility for making the choice. What is for certain is that you can't take anyone else's experience, good or bad, as any indicator to how your son will be. Will he resent you? Who cares? Do your parental duty of deciding what's best for your child now, later will come, well, later obviously. If he resents you, your answer is like any parent's - 'I did my best'.

Electra is quite correct in what she says, AS children do not do well in mainstream school. Often, we can give the impression that we're doing OK, but that's just a trick of the slight observations of largely disinterested teachers. 'Academicaly bright' is a meaningless statement in this context. My school days were an absolute nightmare, but my retentive memory meant that I did 'O' and 'A' levels, so I was 'academicaly bright'. This is, at best, a poor and dismissive measure of the experience of school that we have, how we are affected DOESN'T get measured and probably can't be. No-one can ever know what the effects of the subtleties of a mainstream culture are on us,

The experience of what you call 'normal' schooling means that 'normaly' we can expect to be bullied and abused, name called, excluded from social groups etc. The problem is that NTs cannot see this - what is an excrutiatingly painful experience for us just looks to NTs like 'normal' schoolkid behaviour. Telling an adult usually ADDS to the problem, because I can guarantee you that NTs who say 'I understand' really haven't got a clue. So, no help there then. I could write a book on this very subject, we all could, but we'd still be unlikely to get NTs to understand because we are different - we think, feel, act and judge differently. It's far too much to expect an AS child or an NT child to understand each other. You'd be surprised at how often the most innocuous NT comment can slice into our soul.

Have you considered a Steiner education, or is this out of the question?

A 'normal' schooling is hell on earth for many autistic children; noise, bullying, incomprehensible teaching methods etc. Your son needs somewhere he can truly thrive. He needs somewhere where he can develop the way autistic children naturally do and not be shoehorned into a neurotypical pattern.

Educating an autistic child should be about producing a healthy, thriving autistic adult.

And as to what 'thriving' means for an autistic child, you can try this book:

autonomous-press.myshopify.com/.../the-real-experts-readings-for-parents-of-autistic-children-edited-by-michelle-sutton

I found the book link on the excellent blog of one of the authors

yesthattoo.blogspot.co.uk/

People whith Aspergers don't have special insights or awareness and indeed that diagnosis is no longer part of DSM V, we're all autistic now.

I wish you and your lovely son heaps of luck

Anyone? I could really do with some help or advice..... :/