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Will special school make my son resent me later?

ProudMummy1510

Hi,

I have a 6 year old ASD son who up until now has been in mainstream with a support worker (via a statement).

Before starting school my preference was for special school but due to funding and the fact that my son is academically bright, I was pressurised into at least trying mainstream.

We're now in Y1 and things have taken a turn for the worse. He's struggling with some of the less tangible concepts and the pressure of learning is making him tearful. He's also been complaining about the noise. 

The school have been great but as a mainstream setting, there's only so much they can do. They think he won't be able to manage mainstream for more than another year or so at most, given his current difficulties.

I'm so torn about what to do. His classmates are really accepting and understanding and although he doesn't really understand friendship or playing with other children yet, he loves being in their company and just running around the playground with them. He's also bonded with his support worker. 

His diagnosis wasn't Aspergers so he doesn't seem to have the insight or awareness that goes along with that form of ASD, but obviously the future is very much a blank canvas. I don't know what he will ultimately be capable of, or how independent he will be.

Ironically, after really wanting to go to special school, I'm now worried about robbing him of the opportunity to experience a "normal" schooling and with all that entails.

Can anyone here give me any insights on how their older child felt about going to a special school, or whether any individuals who went through it themselves could let me know their thoughts? I appreciate everyone is different :)

Thanks

Parents

  • You ask an impossible to answer question. We don't know your child, everyone is different anyway, and when all's said and done, you're the parent with responsibility for making the choice. What is for certain is that you can't take anyone else's experience, good or bad, as any indicator to how your son will be. Will he resent you? Who cares? Do your parental duty of deciding what's best for your child now, later will come, well, later obviously. If he resents you, your answer is like any parent's - 'I did my best'.

    Electra is quite correct in what she says, AS children do not do well in mainstream school. Often, we can give the impression that we're doing OK, but that's just a trick of the slight observations of largely disinterested teachers. 'Academicaly bright' is a meaningless statement in this context. My school days were an absolute nightmare, but my retentive memory meant that I did 'O' and 'A' levels, so I was 'academicaly bright'. This is, at best, a poor and dismissive measure of the experience of school that we have, how we are affected DOESN'T get measured and probably can't be. No-one can ever know what the effects of the subtleties of a mainstream culture are on us,

    The experience of what you call 'normal' schooling means that 'normaly' we can expect to be bullied and abused, name called, excluded from social groups etc. The problem is that NTs cannot see this - what is an excrutiatingly painful experience for us just looks to NTs like 'normal' schoolkid behaviour. Telling an adult usually ADDS to the problem, because I can guarantee you that NTs who say 'I understand' really haven't got a clue. So, no help there then. I could write a book on this very subject, we all could, but we'd still be unlikely to get NTs to understand because we are different - we think, feel, act and judge differently. It's far too much to expect an AS child or an NT child to understand each other. You'd be surprised at how often the most innocuous NT comment can slice into our soul.

    Have you considered a Steiner education, or is this out of the question?

Reply

  • You ask an impossible to answer question. We don't know your child, everyone is different anyway, and when all's said and done, you're the parent with responsibility for making the choice. What is for certain is that you can't take anyone else's experience, good or bad, as any indicator to how your son will be. Will he resent you? Who cares? Do your parental duty of deciding what's best for your child now, later will come, well, later obviously. If he resents you, your answer is like any parent's - 'I did my best'.

    Electra is quite correct in what she says, AS children do not do well in mainstream school. Often, we can give the impression that we're doing OK, but that's just a trick of the slight observations of largely disinterested teachers. 'Academicaly bright' is a meaningless statement in this context. My school days were an absolute nightmare, but my retentive memory meant that I did 'O' and 'A' levels, so I was 'academicaly bright'. This is, at best, a poor and dismissive measure of the experience of school that we have, how we are affected DOESN'T get measured and probably can't be. No-one can ever know what the effects of the subtleties of a mainstream culture are on us,

    The experience of what you call 'normal' schooling means that 'normaly' we can expect to be bullied and abused, name called, excluded from social groups etc. The problem is that NTs cannot see this - what is an excrutiatingly painful experience for us just looks to NTs like 'normal' schoolkid behaviour. Telling an adult usually ADDS to the problem, because I can guarantee you that NTs who say 'I understand' really haven't got a clue. So, no help there then. I could write a book on this very subject, we all could, but we'd still be unlikely to get NTs to understand because we are different - we think, feel, act and judge differently. It's far too much to expect an AS child or an NT child to understand each other. You'd be surprised at how often the most innocuous NT comment can slice into our soul.

    Have you considered a Steiner education, or is this out of the question?

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