So I finally face my demons, HELP!

Hi Deano

I appologise that my coments could be constued as critical, my intention was to show understanding and sympathy, but I often find that coments I make can be taken in ways I did not forsee.

Please do not give up on this site, we all get things wrong sometimes, and may be able to help more with more specific issues.

Sorry again.

thank you!

Hello all,

Please take some time and see Deano Bambino's perspective here. Parents are not perfect and are on a journey. Deano Bambino is trying to learn better ways of communicating which is why he is requesting help on here. No-one is perfect.

recombinantsocks, stateofindependence and Majorie195 - We certainly appreciate you sharing your experiences but please refrain from using language that implies judgement. Instead try and offer support and practical steps. For more clarity see our community rules and commenting tips.

Also please refrain from gender stereotyping. Both fathers and mothers have the capability to become more responsive and emotionally understanding to their children.

Deano - Thank you for sharing your experiences. We understand this can't have been easy. It can be difficult managing stress and work life / balance as you describe. We'd urge you to find out more information about parenting and children with autism. Please be patient. The impact of meltdowns can be minimised with a greater understanding of the triggers and better forward planning. You can find out more about our parenting resources here.

We hope you'll continue to keep sharing with us.

Take care,

Avi
Moderator 

Deano bambino said:

looking to criticise a man already kicked hard enough by the fact that his family is not perfect 

Is anyone's family perfect? Are you perfect?  I don't mean those questions to be a personal criticism. Just something to consider.

Deano bambino said:

Your all missing the point, I value every minute i spend with all three of my children, I also enjoy spending time with my wife but when I get home like tonight and it is meet with a meltdown sparked by a minor issue with a sibling that lasts 4 hours and ruins family time over dinner, means my other children suffer and my wife left looking like she's about to ball her eyes out I think I deserve a genuine and sensible answer for help, not criticism cause I mention my work in a post.

i know what I'll give up work care for my child full time and add to the countrys woo's by milking the system

that will help everyone, well done!

told my wife things like this are a waste of time!

This forum is actually remarkable for having very few spats like this. Generally, people come seeking help for their autistic children, for themselves as autistic adults and opinions, advice and support are given. If you read back through 100 other threads then I expect that you will find very few that go this way.

Your original post touched a nerve in me and I apologise for reacting so sharply in my first reply. My second reply was more measured and contained some solid advice that you need to spend more time with your son and you need to struggle to understand why he is the way he is.

There are a number of people on the site who have had bad childhoods where their autism was not understood by one or more of their parents. Their whole lives can be blighted by the traumatic childhood that results. They react with particular anger when they see the cycle being re-enacted with another parent who just does not get it. I am sorry to say that your posts tell us, loud and clear, that in the eight years that your son has been in your family you still do not get it.

Your son's meltdowns are not inevitable. They are a reaction to a world that he does not understand and that bombards him with messages that he cannot yet decode. This is what autism is all about: communication.

Nobody is asking you to give up your job. But there is a questionmark about whether you have things in balance and whether you can continue to devote so much time and energy to it and leave the remainder to your wife and family. Your remarks suggest that you go home for a bit of R&R and that their job is to help you unwind. This may not be a fair view but that is the impression that we have gained from your post.

If you still think that we are all missing the point then I would ask you whether your life is full of meltdowns? - you seem to have this at home and you have generated a lot of heat here. Are you a good listener? You say that you went and "told my wife" rather than "discussed this with my wife" this suggests that you are used to giving orders and expecting people to jump. Perhaps I have it all wrong or perhaps there is something in what I say?

Your all missing the point, I value every minute i spend with all three of my children, I also enjoy spending time with my wife but when I get home like tonight and it is meet with a meltdown sparked by a minor issue with a sibling that lasts 4 hours and ruins family time over dinner, means my other children suffer and my wife left looking like she's about to ball her eyes out I think I deserve a genuine and sensible answer for help, not criticism cause I mention my work in a post.

i know what I'll give up work care for my child full time and add to the countrys woo's by milking the system

that will help everyone, well done!

told my wife things like this are a waste of time!

your comment is not useful other than for it to clarify you are a bizarre crusader looking to criticise a man already kicked hard enough by the fact that his family is not perfect and  to question my commitment to my family over my work show the typical stupid attitude of the reason people do not use open forums that are there to help those who need help, now climb back under your rock and hush down and as my wise ole mum says " if you have nothing nice to say, don't bother saying anything at all"

Sounds like the poor child is the family scapegoat. If you hardly see him but expect him to be calm when you get home, jump when you say jump, and compare him negatively to your other kids, of course he is going to kick off. 

Sorry Deano - you did ask for advice!

My previous response to this thread was written in anger and frustration and, was probably pointless and did not achieve much.

He is only 8 years old and has autism. You cannot reasonably expect him to be reasonable and good at communicating. He will be frustrated and angry at his failure to make himself understood and at the failure of the workld to be reasonable back to him. You have to be patient and you have to struggle to understand him and you have to try harder to help him understand you. You are the adult and you are the one with the power over the situation - he is unable to fix the situation himself.

I write this from the perspective of a father and a person who was lately diagnosed with ASD. I can see different sides to this and you have to do some serious learning to catch up with your wife who probably has better emotional intelligence than you.There is a gender difference in this - women are often better at this sort of thing.

I have also managed people. I expect that you have come across difficult people who you didn't understand? Some of these people were probably on the spectrum but they probably failed to communicate and be reasonable with you? Does that ring any bells?

Hi Deano, I have a relative who worked in construction, so I understand just how much this can take you away from your family. I appreciate that you come home to relax with your family to recharge your batteries. Staying strong to support them financially, in what has been a very difficult area to work in, through the recession, is important.

Children with asd are stressful to be arround, but you may be winding him up, because you are stressed. In the short term, I would suggest that if you cannot cope with his behaviour, you take 5 or 10 minutes away from them to calm yourself. If you become calm, you will help him become calm. You say that your wife can deal with him. She has experience, which you can learn from. Ask her what you should do and say in each set of circumstances, because she knows what your sons needs are.

I would imagine your feelings run through every negative emotion available, including anger and guilt that you cannot cope.

 Ask your wife what you should do, and practise using the stategies she suggests. Don't feel like a failure, just learn little by little from your resident expert. She wants you both to get on. You want a more peaceful home life and your children need stability.

If you fail on one occaision, take time out, minutes, not hours, and try again. You can have a rewarding relationship, but it needs to be built slowly. If you overcome your own stress, you stand more chance of helping your children to be happy.

 Each small acheivement will encoursge you that you are not a failure.

Your post won't get much pity or sorrow.

"This child" is your son and obviously isn't as important to you as your work.

If you want to improve your relationship with him then you need to spend more time with him and you need to develop unreasonable patience and some insight into his condition.

Hi, it's good that you've decided you need to be more understanding of your son + more helpful to the rest of your family.  I do understand that holding down a stressful job + having a stressful home life as well is difficult to deal with.  That applies to all of you, of course.  So as "they say"......."we're all in this together."  If I were you I'd check out the home pg + do a search of the posts.  Loads of info there.  Learning all you can about autism + how it affects your child will go a long way to helping all of you to find a better way fwd.  Good luck + do persevere - these things take time on all fronts....patience