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So I finally face my demons, HELP!

Deano bambino

Hi there,

I am a father of an 8 year old autistic child whom my wife deals with fantastically but well if I'm honest I increasingly struggle to manage with this child's behaviour and what seem continual meltdowns and his simply unreasonable understanding and communication when going through these episodes, we have two thee children who cope really well considering the level of attention that our autistic son demands from both of us.

I work extremely long and stressful hours and occupy a very high level managerial role within the construction industry, I fear that what is going on at home is affecting my work in numerous ways, stressing about my son, lack of sleep after late night meltdowns and early starts as well as the strains it is applying to my marriage.

I am not writting this in the hope that pity or sorrow are shown but in an effort to reach other fathers who find themselves in this position or can offer some guidance, I am increasingly self aware that I need to make the effort to understand my son and his situation and would like some guidance on how it may be possible to get!

hope the above is clear and I have not bored you all!

Parents
  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Deano bambino said:

    Your all missing the point, I value every minute i spend with all three of my children, I also enjoy spending time with my wife but when I get home like tonight and it is meet with a meltdown sparked by a minor issue with a sibling that lasts 4 hours and ruins family time over dinner, means my other children suffer and my wife left looking like she's about to ball her eyes out I think I deserve a genuine and sensible answer for help, not criticism cause I mention my work in a post.

    i know what I'll give up work care for my child full time and add to the countrys woo's by milking the system

    that will help everyone, well done!

    told my wife things like this are a waste of time!

    This forum is actually remarkable for having very few spats like this. Generally, people come seeking help for their autistic children, for themselves as autistic adults and opinions, advice and support are given. If you read back through 100 other threads then I expect that you will find very few that go this way.

    Your original post touched a nerve in me and I apologise for reacting so sharply in my first reply. My second reply was more measured and contained some solid advice that you need to spend more time with your son and you need to struggle to understand why he is the way he is.

    There are a number of people on the site who have had bad childhoods where their autism was not understood by one or more of their parents. Their whole lives can be blighted by the traumatic childhood that results. They react with particular anger when they see the cycle being re-enacted with another parent who just does not get it. I am sorry to say that your posts tell us, loud and clear, that in the eight years that your son has been in your family you still do not get it.

    Your son's meltdowns are not inevitable. They are a reaction to a world that he does not understand and that bombards him with messages that he cannot yet decode. This is what autism is all about: communication.

    Nobody is asking you to give up your job. But there is a questionmark about whether you have things in balance and whether you can continue to devote so much time and energy to it and leave the remainder to your wife and family. Your remarks suggest that you go home for a bit of R&R and that their job is to help you unwind. This may not be a fair view but that is the impression that we have gained from your post.

    If you still think that we are all missing the point then I would ask you whether your life is full of meltdowns? - you seem to have this at home and you have generated a lot of heat here. Are you a good listener? You say that you went and "told my wife" rather than "discussed this with my wife" this suggests that you are used to giving orders and expecting people to jump. Perhaps I have it all wrong or perhaps there is something in what I say?

Reply
  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Deano bambino said:

    Your all missing the point, I value every minute i spend with all three of my children, I also enjoy spending time with my wife but when I get home like tonight and it is meet with a meltdown sparked by a minor issue with a sibling that lasts 4 hours and ruins family time over dinner, means my other children suffer and my wife left looking like she's about to ball her eyes out I think I deserve a genuine and sensible answer for help, not criticism cause I mention my work in a post.

    i know what I'll give up work care for my child full time and add to the countrys woo's by milking the system

    that will help everyone, well done!

    told my wife things like this are a waste of time!

    This forum is actually remarkable for having very few spats like this. Generally, people come seeking help for their autistic children, for themselves as autistic adults and opinions, advice and support are given. If you read back through 100 other threads then I expect that you will find very few that go this way.

    Your original post touched a nerve in me and I apologise for reacting so sharply in my first reply. My second reply was more measured and contained some solid advice that you need to spend more time with your son and you need to struggle to understand why he is the way he is.

    There are a number of people on the site who have had bad childhoods where their autism was not understood by one or more of their parents. Their whole lives can be blighted by the traumatic childhood that results. They react with particular anger when they see the cycle being re-enacted with another parent who just does not get it. I am sorry to say that your posts tell us, loud and clear, that in the eight years that your son has been in your family you still do not get it.

    Your son's meltdowns are not inevitable. They are a reaction to a world that he does not understand and that bombards him with messages that he cannot yet decode. This is what autism is all about: communication.

    Nobody is asking you to give up your job. But there is a questionmark about whether you have things in balance and whether you can continue to devote so much time and energy to it and leave the remainder to your wife and family. Your remarks suggest that you go home for a bit of R&R and that their job is to help you unwind. This may not be a fair view but that is the impression that we have gained from your post.

    If you still think that we are all missing the point then I would ask you whether your life is full of meltdowns? - you seem to have this at home and you have generated a lot of heat here. Are you a good listener? You say that you went and "told my wife" rather than "discussed this with my wife" this suggests that you are used to giving orders and expecting people to jump. Perhaps I have it all wrong or perhaps there is something in what I say?

Children
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