Advice for my autistic son

Yes, this is normal behavior, from what I understand at least. Something I wonder about a lot of situations is, what if we look at this in a different light and communicate with the child better? I say it like this because so much of my life I have dictated what will happen for my child but have only as of late come to think, what does my child want? This isn't to say you have not already done this...

In this situation, it will be difficult because the obvious answer is go back to friends. You could try discussing things as if they were an adult. Explain to them that things simply cannot go back to that way because they must go to school and life changes like this. Ask them what you can do to help them cope. Have them be a part of the process of bringing routine back in. You may be surprised at their answers.

I know I have not treated my kids like little adults enough and I'm wishing I had this insight earlier in life...

I'm so sorry! I didn't see this. I'm not sure I've had friend requests, but I'll have a look. 

Hi JuniperFromGallifrey I'm trying to contact you as would like to pick your brains 

JuniperFromGallifrey I have sent a friend request as would like to pick your brains on something.

(Sorry Billy)

JuniperFromGallifrey I have sent you a friend request as I would like to ask you something 

Just be more than reliable. think before giving a final answer (yes/no), always let him know you want to do a thing if you cannot and if you say you'll be home in 10 minutes, make sure to phone before the 10 minutes if an unexpected matter detains you. And so on :) 

Hi

First of all - I think this sort of reaction could be expected from any child dealing with this amount of change - not just an autistic child. 
But I think being autistic definitely makes these things more challenging. 
Perhaps you could try to bring his focus to all the things in his life that are NOT going to change - and help him to focus on the stability he does have in his life. 
My first thought is: could he still see his nursery friends sometimes - after school or at the weekend? Or maybe Skype/FaceTime them sometimes? Surely they don’t have to lose touch completely? Does he know anyone at all at the Primary school he is moving to? 
And in terms of continuity- what will continue as ‘the same’ after he moves to school - for example how he gets ready in the morning, packing his lunch with his favourite foods, or maybe the routine after you pick him up afterwards? Try to reassure him that although there are changes there is also a LOT in his life that WON’T change. Focus his mind on all the things that make him feel safe and secure. 
It’s not ideal that you going back to work and him moving from nursery to school are happening so close together - but I’m presuming you had little choice about that?  Be patient with him because it is a lot for him to manage - try to communicate to him that to recognise that this is a challenge for him and you understand his emotions, but that you have confidence in his ability to make this change and thrive - because you believe in him. 

This is my experience with my son with most changes in his life. I guess like me you understand what goes through your mind with all the uncertainty, but we have developed some ways to manage it. You also point out how difficult it is with so many changes and I guess you too are feeling this.

You mention new routines with you working. Is it possible to discuss how this will work with the emphasis on what parts of the routine will be the same or similar?

The way my son was helped to cope with some transitions was by having as many visits as possible. I presume he has visited, can you talk about what he remembers from that? I also found it helpful talking to other parents whose children were already there as so much was new to me. My son is currently in a transition between school and college. They have been the most understanding with visits. Although there has been a lot of preparation the outcome is still unknown and he now grunts when stressed.

He will have lots of new things and I presume you have already got a bag, lunchbox etc. Is there anything he can do to help prepare such as something special he can have in his bag to remind him of home? Will he take a snack and if so does he know what he will take, for example?

Are there any CBeebies programmes where children are starting school where you have an opportunity to re-enforce it will be ok, a bit like nursery, but new things as well?

I am not sure if he knows any of the other children going. My son knew two and that was helpful at first. 

When he starts school I presume whoever is taking him will be able to go in with him and help him find where everything is. Also try to find out as much as you can about what he will be doing from staff so you can reassure him as much as possible. Perhaps also talk about who he can ask if he is not sure, such as support staff. When my son was at Primary they used to have a morning where you stayed briefly to do games with them, (before leaving for work). Not sure if this is possible for you or your wife. They also invited parents to join a lesson once a term. This for me gave a lot of insight as to how he needed to be supported.

Billy87 said:

I just want to know 2 things. Firstly, is this normal behaviour for an autistic child facing a lot of change?

Secondly, what can I do to help him process and cope with all the change and manage his emotions better? What techniques or ideas help with this?

Yes, emotional dysregulation can be perfectly normal for us autistic people (whether as children or adults) when faced with any kinds of change, with educational / school transitions being a classic example during childhood. More info: 

Dealing with change

The NAS has some great advice and tips about switching and starting school here:

Starting or switching school

(The above link applies to England - for other areas of the UK see the menu links here).

There's also info about anger management, distressed behaviour and meltdowns.

I hope you find something helpful there.

with the worrying about leaving his friends he could get there addresses so that he can still see them after he leaves.  you could also get the friends parents numbers and put it in a contact diary. if he doesnt have a mobile phone then you could use either your mobile phone or the main phone his friends parent could let him speak to his friend on the phone. otherwise if thats not an option theres email adresess or there house adress. alternatives to phones and email and house adresess

cam be through a video call rather than by phone aswell. this way he can still stay in touch. 

you could also ask his friends parents if any of there kids might be going to the same school or not aswell

for changes it is normal for Autistic people to get Anxious,upset or angry maybe even more than one or even get ovetwhelmed if theres lots of changes. a social story can also help autistic people deal with changes and transitions. having  a visual time table or story of routine can help but a social story for changes and transistioms can also help exsplain and help navigate through all the chamges, transition and emotioms he is going through at the moment 

other things that cam help autistic people is something that helps provide predictability and security and there are things out there to help Autistic people with things like anxiety in the form of books, toys, and sensory activatys amd objects that are made to help you deal with anxiety, changes and transitions  and try to feell relaxed aswell

a room where he can be on his own, a quiet room where everything is all quiet you can retreat to with little to no sensory stimuli that may be percieved as stressful or overwhelming or if not then a sensory room where he has things thst help him feell calm and not overwhelmed or do his own thing. 

special interests can also help when Anxious aswell