Driving

This is good advice Cassandraa - there will always be other drivers on the road that are behaving badly unfortunately - and you have to learn to manage the times when you encounter them by driving correctly and being secure in the knowledge that you are doing the right thing - and if they want to speed that’s their problem. You have to try to be immune to pressure from other drivers - and I think autistic people can struggle to do that as we are uncomfortable with the idea of annoying others and the pressure of others opinions etc. It’s important to try not to feel pressured by the poor driving of other road users. For example at a junction if other drivers are behind you waiting it’s important not to feel pressured into pulling onto a road if you’re not sure it’s completely safe to do so. We need to give ourselves the time we need to drive safely and not be influenced by any aggressive or impatient drivers we might come across. It’s not easy. Driving is stressful sometimes - that’s just a part of it. When it’s good though it’s wonderful - so it’s worth it. 

I can really sympathise with your daughter. I’m sorry your daughter is getting stressed out by other drivers. Driving can be lovely, seeing the sights and having the freedom to go anywhere you like but then you have to deal with other drivers. I always think how lovely it would be if there were no other road users. It would be a lot less stress that’s for sure!

I try to never speed. I don’t have a black box, I just follow rules as closely as I can. I believe it’s a part of my ASD where I take things literally. So if a sign says 30mph I will do 30 and won’t speed up just because the car behind is on my bumper and has been for the last couple of miles. Your daughter needs to try and ignore the other drivers when they act like this. She needs to try and focus on the driving and enjoy it. Don’t worry about the other drivers when they are having a tantrum. It’s their problem, not hers.

I know that’s easier said than done but there’s little else she can do.

During her time she is going to encounter other drivers who make gestures and overtake or hog her bumper. This is unfortunately a part of being a driver and though it is annoying and can be stressful you can’t let it get to you otherwise it will ruin your enjoyment.

I’m autistic and drive, and I do find it stressful. I do often feel stressed when drivers are close behind me and I’m sticking to speed limit - I feel conscious that I may be annoying them if they think I’m going too slowly and they want to get by me etc.

But the fact is that the speed limits are non negotiable- they are the legal speed limits and if your daughter wants to drive she has to stick to the speed limits on the roads - for her own safety, other people’s safety and also to keep her licence. 
The only answer I can see to your situation is to educate your daughter about the consequences of going over the speed limits. For example going just 5 miles and hour faster on a bend can make the difference between driving round that bend in wet or icy conditions or sliding of the road into a hedge, tree or wall. It’s dangerous. Similarly in a 30 zone going if 35 or 40 if a child runs out into the road and she hits them it could result in her killing that child - in which case your daughter could also end up in prison for dangerous driving.

Driving a car is a huge responsibility - we are talking life and death. If your daughter can’t take that seriously then frankly she’s not mature enough to be driving. If you can’t convince her to drive more carefully by educating her then I pity the road users around her, and eventually she’s likely to receive a ban anyway and lose her license if she keeps speeding. 

Having a BMW won't change people wanting to get past so it won't fix her issue.

Maybe just go out with her a few times for company.

Some people use P stickers to indicate they are newly qualified which can reduce pressure.

Around me few people drive in excess of the speed limit, many don't make it to the limit. Since COVID, but even before, people have been getting slower. It is fairly rural.

Seems the problem is the other people, but there are always going to be some. Even in a 600bhp car there's always someone else with something to prove. Don't be part of their accident.

I've just bought a slower car as there is no point having anything fast.

I think it is a mindset thing. When I first learned to drive I found other people intimidating, but you just have to ignore it. Driving just below the speed limit is fine and you will never get in trouble. Let other people pass. If there is a queue and it really bothers you, or someone is really close, you can pull over to let them pass. You don't want them hitting you.

I also have tractors, horse boxes, buses, lorries etc. that are equally slow, so it is not that big a deal.

I think you just need to reassure her it is ok. It does not matter what other people in their cars think, you'll never see them again.

I am old enough that black boxes did not exist when I started and I don't have anything in the current car to track me. I would not have been keen on being tracked. I assume the Insurance company didn't cancel due to a one off.

When young you overestimate you ability and have limited experience, so being sensible on the road is a good thing. Crashing is expensive and can hurt.

She won't use a scooter, it will be near impossible for her to get to places of work since she has to travel to multiple places. 

She seems ok today but is only willing to drive if she has someone with her, which is not going to be possible if she is going to work. I'm hoping she will sort everything out but I believe her anxiety with leaving school, working, little structure is really not helping her. 

What about a scooter?

We have 20mph speed limits in built up areas, a lot of people hate it, really really hate it and say it takes to long to get anywhere. Personally I love it, it makes driving so much more restful. We also have lots of single track roads, with no real passing places, they're national speed limit, but in reality it's crazy to above 25mph as you never know what numpty's coming round a bend. We get clots of cyclists on these little roads, they never stop, just head down and peddling, they're a menace, so much so that many farmers drive round with thier baling spikes down, trying to catch some.

A friend's daughter had a black box and the car had a sticker on the back with words to the effect "I've got a black box so I'm just as annoyed as you at having to go this slow"

It's not easy when people are being impatient behind you, it's crates anxiety, but at the end of the day they are the ones at fault not the person staying within the limit....

Thank God I don't have her coverage. Maintaining a speed limit, in a built-up area, is sheer purgatory; for me.

Have you thought of legal advice, on the issue?

Hi, The black box will only be fitted for a set period, the only good side to it is that she hasn’t been caught by a camera. For the first 2 years new drivers only need to get 6 points to be disqualified. I can understand how she feels but changing car won’t help, I don’t think an insurance company would even insure a young driver with a high performance car. I did think about a classic car for one of my sons but then decided against it as they have no ABS, air bags or crumple zones.

For a long time I drove a series of Beemer 5 series' all with the small 2.0 litre engine. That was all beemer but without much in the way of speed and acceleration.  

Get rid of the black box! 

ONE way I'd consider for my daughter (if she needed it) would be to buy myself a huge classic car that both me and my daughter like, then insure it cheap (last time I used it about 10 years ago my classic 4.0 litre Daimler was 300 quid a year, when my daughters insurance in a non classic tiny car was over a thousand) and put her on the policy as a named driver..

A classic landrover is a traditionally slow vehicle, you can drive those at slow speeds without annoying people. I bought a huge van which I found I was happy to drive slowly in, but the tiny car I usually drive is terryfying to drive at the posted speed limits in some situations. 

I have come to believe that vehicle insurance has morphed into a covert means of controlling the motorists behaviour and even selection of vehicle type, overall, probably to help push us all onto electric vehicles. Not that I mind electric vehicles per-se but curently they are powered by a really nasty and (technically speaking) perfidious lithium battery technolgy, AND becuase of teh way they delievr their power, apparenltly they are hard on their tyres and thus produce more of that environmental impact. 

ParentingAutism said:

I personally do not know what to do anymore.

On a practical note:

If she has any mechanical ability then she could consider a classic car - these tend to have lower insurance costs, plenty of street cred and are typically easier to maintain than more modern cars.

On a parentine note:

I would use the situation as a learning lesson with her - teach her that it doesn't matter her opinion of the rules - they are there and need to be followed or there are likely to be consequences. If she didn't follow the speed limit then she knew the black box would alert so it was a stupid choice to make and she needs to pay the price now.

Without consequences people will not follow the rules. We don't get to make them so the choices are typically fairly black and white.

You break a traffic law, you get a fine and possibly points

You break a criminal law, expect prosecution by the police.

You break a social rule (eg calling a trans man "he") then expect repercissions (in this case from social media, your community or whatever social group you mix in)

ParentingAutism said:

She says she wants a bmw because they "rule the roads

I don't believe for a minute she thinks that they "rule" when driven slowly. They are typically performance cars so will make her want to go fast.

My opinion here is that she has clearly not learned her lesson.

All that said, the best thing is probably to let her make her own mistakes and she may eventually learn from them - all in my opinion of course.