False memories

Communication between neurotypical and autistic people can be difficult, due to differences in perception, cultural beliefs, emotional reaction and communication styles.

Consider these two statements:

1. You don't look autistic

2. When I heard that (person x) was autistic, I wasn't surprised, but I would not have known it with you.

Are there any differences in meaning? Do either statements prompt any particular feelings?

To me, both say exactly the same thing and neither have any emotion attached.

But...recently a colleague said statement 2 when we were having a conversation about autism. A week or so later, I was referring to the fact that she had said I didn't look autistic and she replied "I didn't say that!" -  she only seemed to remember the conversation when I re-worded it to statement 2. Further dicussion revealed that she seemed to think that statement 1. would be rude, so she wouldn't say that.

Also, Neurotypical people see the "big picture" - the overarching idea, but can miss details, whereas Autistic people see lots of detail but can sometimes miss the "big picture".

Most of the time nobody is trying to deceive other people, so it's useful to understand that we all experience the world differently.

I have incredibly realistic dreams, and these store themselves in my brain in such a way as it can be difficult to distinguish from reality. This did have affects on my life as well, in one case I was certain I had completed homework when I had in fact not. 

This may be something that is happening? Or may not

Peoples memories of events vary so much, what can seem vitally important to one can be forgotten by another. I don't think this is an autistic thing, just how memory works. That he remembers things differently to you is unsurprising, that he's able to express how he feels about things from the past is good, but maybe some ground rules need to be set, like owning your feelings, not blaming another or calling them liars when memories and the feelings they bring differ. Maybe seeing a family therapist could help as they will set boundaries and allow you both space to say what you need to say in a safe space.

Without wishing to be accusatory, how do you know some of his memories are false? Were you there for each memory he says he has?

All children want to feel connected (seen, heard, understood, loved) which helps them feel grounded. As an adult now with a son who is hyper critical, I would always let him vent his frustration and try to embrace it. Allow the perspective even if it's a misinterpretation of events and ask how I can do better. In fact, allowing him to respond closer to the event can help immediately troubleshoot any miscommunication or further disaster. I learned this from my own parents.

One parent couldn't bare ever being wrong. There was no room for my voice. This may be part of how this parent was raised, if you were guilty, there were consequences and never forgiveness. Sadly, this one continued to make unreasonable demands into adulthood and severed all connexion the moment I asserted a few boundaries. 

The other parent was always open to being wrong or not thinking in the moment. This parent was a physicist. They would simply say "oh I'm so sorry, I certainly didn't mean that, but I can see how you'd think this. Just tell me next time if you can and I'll try to not do this".  Even this invitation eased all hurt. Both of these parents have been expressive and volatile and depressed and messy, but this one isn't afraid of being human and just trying again. We have a close relationship.

Many autistics tend to have quite strong long-term memories. There will always be miscommunication and it will come with a difficulty using linguistics. With my son, I tried to always remind him to evaluate things not people: examine the action so to not judge the person. Everything is mendable. And we're all growing and learning. Children can only make us better humans :) 

Exactly! When I see my mom doing it it’s hmmm suspicious but when others or people outside of the family are same then it makes me overthink everything 

i think it doesnt help that people try to do subtle snide remarks to try speak down to you in a subtle way at times so they try swipe at you without it being a open conflict... or at least i see it alot of times like that. or people do that so much that its hard to tell when people are not doing it.

Same here. I was told so many times, that I got it wrong and that it was not the intention of that other person. Mostly in family. 

Hi

I can’t say that I have ever completely fabricated something as it doesn’t come naturally to me but I can and have exaggerated things to please others. This is not for my personal benefit, this I think is to make others happy and ultimately I thought it would help me to fit in. It is more of a twisting of the truth really. This is one thing I have stopped doing as I would feel really uncomfortable with it. Most my life has been spent trying to please others, these days I try to be better to myself and not put myself in such a vulnerable position (which fawning does). As Caelus said I can perceive things wrongly a lot of the time and often can look at things in a negative way. 
I guess dreaming can be a very powerful experience in some cases, I’m sure lots of individuals have woken asking themselves if something really happened. 
I am no expert nor do I take any form of medication so not fit to advise but does he take medication and if so could side effects cause anything like that?

Sorry I am not able to offer much advice and I hope you manage to resolve this situation.

Good luck

depends what it was.... if its based on judging a persons intent behind words or actions and perceiving that then yeah he could perceive things very differently to the point what he perceived didnt happen, such as read words or intent wrong and saw it as a attack and his mind perhaps ramped up hostility due to misreading or misunderstanding. i think i do that alot and see things as more hostile than they actually are, sometimes i read back and realise i was wrong and i overreacted to a thing that i percieved as hostile at the time but wasnt hostile at all.

but yeah if its a whole physical event that didnt happen... perhaps he dreamed it and the dream became a vague memory and he thinks its real but it was actually a old dream he remembered? 

Do you have any examples?

I will admit myself that I can slightly fabricate things when my emotions are high and I'm upset/angry with someone.

I might say that someone who I've fallen out with wishes I was dead - I know that's not true but when I'm upset and angry, I'd come out with something like that.