She wants out

That B&W is actually just an acute intensity of impact due to everything being felt with greater sensitivity. From feelings to physical impact from our senses. 

The more she learns to protect / shield herself, create healthy boundaries and have tools to begin to anticipate the world around the better prepared she will be. It is more detailed knowledge, not less, which can help. This is the Bayesian Theory and difficulty with assuming/prediction causing great stress. Without knowledge, everything is always a surprise, and not a good one, thus the seemingly polar responses. 

Yes, I totally agree with you. We will enjoy it whilst it lasts. She is just amazing at the moment. Definitely black and white, always has been. 

I feel like I maybe even need that as an adult autistic...

Enjoy it while it lasts!

She appears to be displaying the classic autistic 'black and white', 'all or nothing' thinking. School is either entirely bad or entirely good with no middle ground. 

The trouble is that life doesn't work like that and there will be good and bad parts. The next time she has a bad day it could flip that switch again to 'school is bad'.

Does she keep a journal or diary? That might be an idea, to record everything that is good about school currently. You could use that as a resource to remind her that it isn't always like that when she is next in the 'school is bad' mode of thinking.

Yay! What caused the change?

Was all her school stuff rescued from the bin OK?

UPDATE: Now she is absolutely loving school, behaving and engaging above and beyond, really happy and chatty, communicating well verbally, has not asked for a staff change and is working really well. Absolutely loves it now. 

Aw! I don't know what to say. I hope posting about it here is making you feel a bit better.

Would a pen-friend called Mark help? That might help her feel less lonely.

She left school early today, after lunch, after school had my permission. She has been in tears this evening and said she didn't want to go back until Thursday, which is the day her friend said she will join her. But now she has calmed down, she wants to go in tomorrow and give it another go. She forgives and forgets so easily. I don't know what happened today, if it was school related or if she just wanted to see her friend. Staff said she was refusing work and wanted to go home. 

I understand one of the problems is she must feel really lonely all day. She gets the bus at 8, all by herself. Waits for school to open, all by herself. Deals with school and the issues around that, all by herself, staff sometimes help depending on who she likes that day. And getting the bus home, all by herself. All very anxiety provoking situations. I pick her up around 4 so that's a long day all alone, miles away. Both my other children's school are within a 5 minute drive of the house, hers is 25/30 minutes. And from where I work, she is 40 minute drive away. So I understand if she is lonely but don't know how to help as such. When she is on the bus, my other kids are getting ready for school or at school so they can't talk to her, I'm driving so I can't talk either. I feel really guilty now.

She has been mouthing off at me this afternoon. I explained I can't go to the meeting on Wednesday because I have my son with me and she is not happy because she doesn't want the meeting to happen at all and plus it means changing the day which is understandable. She's got so much anger and hate towards the school. Tonight my husband is out fishing, back in the morning so I've got 3 children which 2 have friends over. My middle, 15, has 3 over for the night, not in school tomorrow, my youngest is not in school next week at all, and my eldest, 17 has her friend round who is accompanying her to school. So a house full of 7 kids and a dog. WISH ME LUCK, LOL 

I agree with what you are saying. She gives too many chances. She always forgives and moves on even if they have done something that traumatised her. They've left her crying in a classroom, called the police on her, never follow through with what they say, always makes the same mistakes and pretty much makes her deal with emotions by herself. One day she came home battered and bruised, really bad, worst I've seen before, because she had a meltdown because she felt scared because she didn't like her staffing and didn't feel safe with them. She was held/restrained and staff did not tell me about this incident, it came from my own daughter who broke down infront on me. The next day they pretended that nothing happened and she pretty much keeps on forgiving them for everything. I've realised that now she's shifted her mindset, hating school, her anxiety is through the roof. I'm scared on how this will go because she is not taking her bag to school, which has her communication app, ear defenders, everything she needs to cope throughout the day. All she'll have now is a coat, phone, money, headphones and a vape. 

I agree about shifting focus to what’s next. 

in the last few years, it has sounded to me as though she’s felt her boundaries and personal agency violated one too many times. 

Something uniquely Autistic is we give one too many chances, because we find we need many retakes at a social thing- we tend to work hard to get these correct to our own detriment. 

But once frustration and cruelties add up they turn into resentment and at some point, like a snake shedding skin, weve crossed a threshold and our perspective impacts what appears like ann immediate change, when in fact one has simply had enough. 

It’s like any bad relationship. The one subjected to coerce and control simply needs to reach a breaking point. And once they snap, there is no return. 

Non-autistics don’t tend to see this coming. But due to a difference with language abd being more Left-Brain wired for social togetherness simply find other ways to dominate the offending party. We don’t work like this at all. 

Is she in her last year of school? If so that can be an extremely scary time, as autistic people struggle with transitions and life changes.

I wonder if there is an element of self sabotage here, in that she is deliberately rejecting school as a means to try and retain control of the situation? That could be the case particularly if your daughter has PDA tendencies.

I think the focus needs to be on what she is going to do next and how both you and the school can work together to support her with achieving that.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/transitions/england/leaving-school

How can we all, the family and school, help her transition from school to home. This is what she is struggling with overall. Any big changes around school is scary for her, both good and bad. I just fear the worst with her.

Yesterday, Thursday, she tidied and organised her bedroom. She chucked all her school stuff in the bin. She has always kept her school stuff for many years and would never throw it away but now she has. This is worrying too. Never in a million years would I think she'd do this. 

They used to write letters to eachother to communicate but now I think they've stopped doing that. She seems quite low at the moment since she knows school is starting again on Monday. I've said she doesn't need to go but she is adamant she is so that is that. During our conversation we had, she did mention that since they've stopped trying to help her, that she's not going to help them or herself anymore and see how they like that. She said they can deal with it because she's not playing games now. She's going to show her true colours now. This is slightly worrying and I will talk to the school about what she has communicated. I fear that not letting them help her, in the process she will damage herself even more. She's not taking her school bag anymore and that has her tablet/communication app, sensory toys, chew, ear defenders, safe foods, everything that will help. 

I do really fear how this is going to go. 

ParentingAutism said:

I think she prefers to do this way of communication, pretending to be someone else, than saying herself. 

Yes, because self-advocacy is only helpful for the individual but it doesn't mean anyone else will believe you. All humans have a way to calculate Trust. And too often self-advocacy is confused for someone indulging in self-victimisation. Humans don't like victims, they like underdogs. We like cheering for the next potential who will overthrow the powers that be. Internally, whole civilisations will distance themselves morally from the victims. There's a whole psychology to this. And Autistics don't use the secretly coded "symbolic language" of the day, so we're already not trusted or taken at our word. Here are some examples of why the self-advocate can fail: 

Referral Marketing works because it involves 'social proof'. Thus, every time you buy something, shops send an email asking you to fill out a survey. 

The entire Advertising and Branding industry works on this same principle. They'll tell you not to take my word for it but the millions of others who love us. And so on. It happens in every level of exchange. Social Proof is a powerful force. 

What I'm hearing is she's aware no one believes her when she tries to defend herself. Second, she's just aware enough she doesn't have the tools to embrace and work through change, but no idea how to or where to find them. If you'd like advice, it sounds like she's doing too much (work, school, helping you) and needs more blocked out uninterrupted alone time to focus on and explore a craft / discipline (art, music, mycology, physics - whatever she's interested in) or time to be exposed to something she can become successful in to a degree.

The only way to make this kind of substantial change is to envision a different structure of daily life with a set or specific goal in mind. We cannot let go of a thing if we have nothing to grab on to :) 

I'm sorry to hear your daughter is finding school so tough.

Have you spoken directly to staff at the school to find out how they view the situation? Presumably they are aware to treat any letters as not coming from you without checking first? There was a post on here a few weeks ago from a member of staff at a similar school, maybe even the same one. Direct communication between school staff and yourself is likely needed in this situation.

https://community.autism.org.uk/f/parents-and-carers/33848/struggling-to-engage-a-student

In theory it should be a supportive environment but I'm wondering if the staffing ratio means that your daughter is constantly the focus of attention and therefore constantly too overstimulated.

I went to mainstream school (my teachers did try to get me transferred to a special school but failed) and honestly most of it I just wanted to keep my head down and not get noticed. Many autistic people absolutely hate being the centre of attention and will do anything to avoid it. That's something that is much easier to achieve when class sizes are 30+ than when the staffing ratio is 2:1. It's worth reading up on exposure anxiety (not the same thing as exposure therapy).

https://stimpunks.org/glossary/exposure-anxiety/

ParentingAutism said:

writing letters on what will help her and things like that. I think she prefers to do this way of communication

Maybe it would be easier if staff allowed your daughter to communicate in writing more, if that is her natural communication style (as herself not as you). Communicating by speech can be very demanding for an autistic person and sometimes when we are stressed it is just too much. Being an autism specialist school they should be very aware and accepting of alternative methods of communication.