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She wants out

ParentingAutism

My daughter has come up to me and said she wants out of school. I never thought I'd here her say that. She is in an autism specialist independent school, staffed 2:1. She struggles so much on a daily basis, something going wrong everyday. She is serious about leaving now because she has realised her mental health is not good when she goes and that staff no longer help or understand her. 

She is really scared that if she does leave, the huge change in routine will tip her over the edge, and she will end up doing something stupid. She said this is why she doesn't want to leave school. She also doesn't know what to do because if she leaves, her mental health will be really bad and she won't want to work or help me work or whatnot because she just won't cope. Also having a traumatising time at her last job, it has put her off altogether. I'm worried about how she will cope with her mental health. 

In the meantime she is due back to school next Monday. Her friend has said she will go with her to school on Monday. On Wednesday we have a meeting with the school but we don't know what about. She also said that in school she has pretended to be me, writing letters on what will help her and things like that. I think she prefers to do this way of communication, pretending to be someone else, than saying herself. 

What can help her because we are at a lost? Any ideas we are grateful for. I feel like it's a race against time now. 

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  • ParentingAutism said:
    I think she prefers to do this way of communication, pretending to be someone else, than saying herself. 

    Yes, because self-advocacy is only helpful for the individual but it doesn't mean anyone else will believe you. All humans have a way to calculate Trust. And too often self-advocacy is confused for someone indulging in self-victimisation. Humans don't like victims, they like underdogs. We like cheering for the next potential who will overthrow the powers that be. Internally, whole civilisations will distance themselves morally from the victims. There's a whole psychology to this. And Autistics don't use the secretly coded "symbolic language" of the day, so we're already not trusted or taken at our word. Here are some examples of why the self-advocate can fail: 

    Referral Marketing works because it involves 'social proof'. Thus, every time you buy something, shops send an email asking you to fill out a survey. 

    The entire Advertising and Branding industry works on this same principle. They'll tell you not to take my word for it but the millions of others who love us. And so on. It happens in every level of exchange. Social Proof is a powerful force. 

    What I'm hearing is she's aware no one believes her when she tries to defend herself. Second, she's just aware enough she doesn't have the tools to embrace and work through change, but no idea how to or where to find them. If you'd like advice, it sounds like she's doing too much (work, school, helping you) and needs more blocked out uninterrupted alone time to focus on and explore a craft / discipline (art, music, mycology, physics - whatever she's interested in) or time to be exposed to something she can become successful in to a degree.

    The only way to make this kind of substantial change is to envision a different structure of daily life with a set or specific goal in mind. We cannot let go of a thing if we have nothing to grab on to :) 

Reply
  • ParentingAutism said:
    I think she prefers to do this way of communication, pretending to be someone else, than saying herself. 

    Yes, because self-advocacy is only helpful for the individual but it doesn't mean anyone else will believe you. All humans have a way to calculate Trust. And too often self-advocacy is confused for someone indulging in self-victimisation. Humans don't like victims, they like underdogs. We like cheering for the next potential who will overthrow the powers that be. Internally, whole civilisations will distance themselves morally from the victims. There's a whole psychology to this. And Autistics don't use the secretly coded "symbolic language" of the day, so we're already not trusted or taken at our word. Here are some examples of why the self-advocate can fail: 

    Referral Marketing works because it involves 'social proof'. Thus, every time you buy something, shops send an email asking you to fill out a survey. 

    The entire Advertising and Branding industry works on this same principle. They'll tell you not to take my word for it but the millions of others who love us. And so on. It happens in every level of exchange. Social Proof is a powerful force. 

    What I'm hearing is she's aware no one believes her when she tries to defend herself. Second, she's just aware enough she doesn't have the tools to embrace and work through change, but no idea how to or where to find them. If you'd like advice, it sounds like she's doing too much (work, school, helping you) and needs more blocked out uninterrupted alone time to focus on and explore a craft / discipline (art, music, mycology, physics - whatever she's interested in) or time to be exposed to something she can become successful in to a degree.

    The only way to make this kind of substantial change is to envision a different structure of daily life with a set or specific goal in mind. We cannot let go of a thing if we have nothing to grab on to :) 

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