She wants out

My daughter has come up to me and said she wants out of school. I never thought I'd here her say that. She is in an autism specialist independent school, staffed 2:1. She struggles so much on a daily basis, something going wrong everyday. She is serious about leaving now because she has realised her mental health is not good when she goes and that staff no longer help or understand her. 

She is really scared that if she does leave, the huge change in routine will tip her over the edge, and she will end up doing something stupid. She said this is why she doesn't want to leave school. She also doesn't know what to do because if she leaves, her mental health will be really bad and she won't want to work or help me work or whatnot because she just won't cope. Also having a traumatising time at her last job, it has put her off altogether. I'm worried about how she will cope with her mental health. 

In the meantime she is due back to school next Monday. Her friend has said she will go with her to school on Monday. On Wednesday we have a meeting with the school but we don't know what about. She also said that in school she has pretended to be me, writing letters on what will help her and things like that. I think she prefers to do this way of communication, pretending to be someone else, than saying herself. 

What can help her because we are at a lost? Any ideas we are grateful for. I feel like it's a race against time now. 

Parents
  • I'm sorry to hear your daughter is finding school so tough.

    Have you spoken directly to staff at the school to find out how they view the situation? Presumably they are aware to treat any letters as not coming from you without checking first? There was a post on here a few weeks ago from a member of staff at a similar school, maybe even the same one. Direct communication between school staff and yourself is likely needed in this situation.

    https://community.autism.org.uk/f/parents-and-carers/33848/struggling-to-engage-a-student

    In theory it should be a supportive environment but I'm wondering if the staffing ratio means that your daughter is constantly the focus of attention and therefore constantly too overstimulated.

    I went to mainstream school (my teachers did try to get me transferred to a special school but failed) and honestly most of it I just wanted to keep my head down and not get noticed. Many autistic people absolutely hate being the centre of attention and will do anything to avoid it. That's something that is much easier to achieve when class sizes are 30+ than when the staffing ratio is 2:1. It's worth reading up on exposure anxiety (not the same thing as exposure therapy).

    https://stimpunks.org/glossary/exposure-anxiety/

    writing letters on what will help her and things like that. I think she prefers to do this way of communication

    Maybe it would be easier if staff allowed your daughter to communicate in writing more, if that is her natural communication style (as herself not as you). Communicating by speech can be very demanding for an autistic person and sometimes when we are stressed it is just too much. Being an autism specialist school they should be very aware and accepting of alternative methods of communication.

Reply
  • I'm sorry to hear your daughter is finding school so tough.

    Have you spoken directly to staff at the school to find out how they view the situation? Presumably they are aware to treat any letters as not coming from you without checking first? There was a post on here a few weeks ago from a member of staff at a similar school, maybe even the same one. Direct communication between school staff and yourself is likely needed in this situation.

    https://community.autism.org.uk/f/parents-and-carers/33848/struggling-to-engage-a-student

    In theory it should be a supportive environment but I'm wondering if the staffing ratio means that your daughter is constantly the focus of attention and therefore constantly too overstimulated.

    I went to mainstream school (my teachers did try to get me transferred to a special school but failed) and honestly most of it I just wanted to keep my head down and not get noticed. Many autistic people absolutely hate being the centre of attention and will do anything to avoid it. That's something that is much easier to achieve when class sizes are 30+ than when the staffing ratio is 2:1. It's worth reading up on exposure anxiety (not the same thing as exposure therapy).

    https://stimpunks.org/glossary/exposure-anxiety/

    writing letters on what will help her and things like that. I think she prefers to do this way of communication

    Maybe it would be easier if staff allowed your daughter to communicate in writing more, if that is her natural communication style (as herself not as you). Communicating by speech can be very demanding for an autistic person and sometimes when we are stressed it is just too much. Being an autism specialist school they should be very aware and accepting of alternative methods of communication.

Children
  • They used to write letters to eachother to communicate but now I think they've stopped doing that. She seems quite low at the moment since she knows school is starting again on Monday. I've said she doesn't need to go but she is adamant she is so that is that. During our conversation we had, she did mention that since they've stopped trying to help her, that she's not going to help them or herself anymore and see how they like that. She said they can deal with it because she's not playing games now. She's going to show her true colours now. This is slightly worrying and I will talk to the school about what she has communicated. I fear that not letting them help her, in the process she will damage herself even more. She's not taking her school bag anymore and that has her tablet/communication app, sensory toys, chew, ear defenders, safe foods, everything that will help. 

    I do really fear how this is going to go.