Help with late teen

There’s no right answer.  As someone who’s autistic and sheltered I moved to London, to get away from my family, and had all sorts of inappropriate people hitting on me, I sort of figured it out without really knowing what was going on.  If the relationship your daughter is in is terrible, it will probably end relatively quickly, and you really need to ask yourself if you want to be there when it disintegrates or if you want her to hate you so much that it will be impossible for her to speak to you.

In terms of lazy, useless, barely functional behaviour that is just getting you daughter by but not really putting her on the ladder to success or a career, I would say let it be, but not with any certainty - I am living that life at the age of 50+ because I wasn’t allowed to do it at the age of 17, I don’t know how it all works out, I’m still there dealing with my panic attacks and wishing I could be more normal, but one thing I can tell you is that I am infinitely more happy with myself than I was 3 years ago when I started this journey, and I know so much more about what makes me tick as a human being, because I have given myself that space and time just to be, and not do anything else, just allow myself to be weird, to have panic attacks, to figure out in a roundabout way what the causes of the panic attacks are and how to understand them and process them - and I also have to say that some of that has come from taking drugs and alcohol, in a controlled environment, alone, and for specific purposes, but nevertheless not exactly what would be recommended by your local women’s institute - I can’t give any infallible advise, but love is more important than anything else, if you still love your child then hold that close to you, if she still loves you then its a minor miracle worth celebrating.  I think the one piece of advice I can give is to encourage your daughter to find out about, and honour, herself, at all costs, to really try to investigate how she is feeling and to support her explorations that facilitate her getting to know herself better, there are probably things she has learned while being with this inappropriate boyfriend that she has never thought even existed, like real revelations!  And there will be things she will learn when it all turns to dust and she feels like the world has collapsed, probably better to be there, rather than wondering what is happening at a distance of many hundreds of miles.  Best Wishes.

I will suggest a Nootropics blend, which is like eating a foraging feast of healthy mushrooms every day. I have a compound with Reishi and Lions Mane and several others. These can boost morale, help with focus, they're also incredibly helpful for the immune system and digestion. 

If she needs help getting out of bed, fix the biology, then give her one task (watering the plants, sorting the garden, a walk - something to connect with nature and do regardless of how we 'feel' - feed the soul). 

Hopefully these are a start! 

This is tough.

There is new medical evidence as of 2020 Autistics and ADHD (who share similar fundamental values), have lower GABA, which is the gut-brain axis affecting digestion and Anxiety. The solution is NEVER anti-depressants which will make it worse as they target something completely different in the brain, actually lowering GABA even further. 

An analogy for GABA is this: they're like a little resistance squad, which shut down hyper-brain waves accelerating out of control. In an anthropological setting, coupled with a hyper-sensory ability (which would've most likely been well-calibrated) and also the ability to make connexions in unique ways autistics can, circumnavigating social nuance/expectations, Lower GABA would help the small percent of the tribe be able to problem-solve impending danger, or stay alert when the collective were bored with or didn't know how to face a problem. This Autistic type of "human design" is well suited for finding solutions no one else might see/want to see, and appear 'driven' to not sleep until a solution is found. 

This obviously works against us when society is a complete mismatch: Lights are too brilliant and lack IR, so we're loosing the ability to see with clarity and its messing with ecology. Sound levels and frequencies are causing deafness, VOCs are silently causing cancer. There are so many elements Autistics can sense and are overwhelmed by interfering with how we might thrive. 

Then we throw human stuff in the mix: biological defaults. Most young women cannot get past this interference, as we start to biologically mature (not necessarily psychologically), we can't seem to see past these default modes. For young Autistics, because our senses are intensely impacted more than our peers, and because we often experience not connecting with others, when we do find someone we feel a chemistry with, it's extremely intense. I would prepare for the break up and start finding a GP who will prescribe a small dose of anti-anxiety medication, which will help ease the blow and allow her to think with clarity finally. Anti-depressants will never help with clarity of thought for autistics, and might actually sever our ability to better reflect. 

The other big difference between Autistic and not has to do with how we mature, how we become into ourselves. While we all can be thrown into survival mechanisms, Autistics do not create defence mechanisms, which is part of non-autistic social 'growth'. This is important because defence mechanisms are how humans typically mature, by suppressing and repressing "desires" or instincts and replacing those with acceptable behaviour. It's apparently something which is learned from all the social nuance we don't pick up. Autistics, rather, need wisdom, direct lessons, we need the core fundamentals ethics are built on, the social understandings morals are built on (and these might shift depending on economic and culture), and learned 'disciplines' which help us grow into reasonable, grounded adults. But we need one lesson at a time. 

Have you read any of Caitlin Moran's books? On being a woman and raising women, they're amazing. 

NAS88959 said:

She does work part time about 14 hours a week to get money for Ubers to see him or pay for him to see her

This is unacceptable to me. You may not be able to turn off the chemistry, but she needs exposure to men who go out of their way to care for and do their due diligence for their partner (perhaps movie night?). No one spelled out to me when I was young why money matters. Why investment matters and how we can tell a great deal about someone by where they invest their resources. This to me is the equivalent of being drained by a vampire. She needs to dream bigger, essentially. Once we have a vision, it is difficult to shake unless clarity and wisdom interfere, and a vision we better resonate with replaces it. 

Unfortunately your daughter will be vulnerable to controlling people as mine was. I got her on an antidepressant which helped her cope with her changes in mood and it calmed her down to the extent I can ask her to do things for herself like keep her room tidy and I take her out and encourage her to pick clothes she likes which is a big thing as I usually get I don't know response. It takes patience and hard work to communicate and they will realize u have their best interests at heart 

Hi, I’m afraid I can’t offer any advice as such, I have 2 daughters 16 and 20, both in this last year diagnosed with autism. 
my 20 year old has tried to start Uni for 2 years in a row and has had to return after a day of being away from home. Her anxiety and distress with being away from home was just too much. So she has decided it’s not for her, I didn’t feel able to insist she gave it a go. 
With my daughter’s I feel they have to make their own decisions re relationships, I know you say the therapist feels your daughter’s boyfriend is controlling, he may well be, but I don’t see how you could lay down the law and prevent her from seeing him. Perhaps try and chat with her about him and being inquisitive about how she feels he treats her? Let her know that you are always there to support her. If it’s an unhealthy relationship it’ll probably run its course. 
With regard to pushing your daughter to go to college, do you think if you did she would enjoy it? I know some things I have been able to push my daughters with and other times it’s just too distressing. 
I do think autism or not , it’s not an excuse for certain behaviour. I guess some of what you see with your daughter is normal teen stuff but with autism it does make things tough, it’s another thing they have to get their head around. 
x