Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi All.
Our daughter left sixth form after about half a term in mental health crisis. She’s been out of education since last Christmas In June she was diagnosed autistic. She’s under CAMHS for therapy. She enrolled at college, attended induction (2hours) and now won’t return. She’s stayed off this week, saying she’ll start on Monday. Today she said she didn’t want to go at all. Anxiety is through the roof. This morning she self harmed (hadn’t done this since last Feb). We had a zoom therapy meeting where the therapist wanted me to stay (I never have before). She expressed her worries about daughters relationship with her boyfriend who suffers with anxiety and to us seems controlling. Therapist said this too based on more info than we’ve had from daughter. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve tried low demand for months and she stays in bed and gets ready to see boyfriend and sees him. She does work part time about 14 hours a week to get money for Ubers to see him or pay for him to see her. I’m scared for her. She is vulnerable and I’m frightened if I make it harder for her to see him she’ll just take off, or run away, if I facilitate it she’s going down a spiral of obsessive relationship and nothing else. I don’t know if her actions and thoughts are because she’s autistic or just teenage. I don’t know if I should push her to go to college (therapist says she should push through her anxiety to give it a chance) or if I’m just escalating her mental earth problems by doing that. At hone she has no responsibilities (basically she won’t do anything). Is this acceptable if she’s autistic? I’ve gone with this so far to keep a calm environment for her MH needs, but am I just facilitating behaviour that’s not acceptable, or is it acceptable. If I’ve used the wrong language in this post I’m sorry. Everything is new and I’m desperate to know how to support my daughter so she can see a happy future for herself. I’ve read lots of books btw, but many seem more for younger kids. No information on negotiating with an adolescent. thanks for any help or support anyone can give
There’s no right answer. As someone who’s autistic and sheltered I moved to London, to get away from my family, and had all sorts of inappropriate people hitting on me, I sort of figured it out without really knowing what was going on. If the relationship your daughter is in is terrible, it will probably end relatively quickly, and you really need to ask yourself if you want to be there when it disintegrates or if you want her to hate you so much that it will be impossible for her to speak to you.
In terms of lazy, useless, barely functional behaviour that is just getting you daughter by but not really putting her on the ladder to success or a career, I would say let it be, but not with any certainty - I am living that life at the age of 50+ because I wasn’t allowed to do it at the age of 17, I don’t know how it all works out, I’m still there dealing with my panic attacks and wishing I could be more normal, but one thing I can tell you is that I am infinitely more happy with myself than I was 3 years ago when I started this journey, and I know so much more about what makes me tick as a human being, because I have given myself that space and time just to be, and not do anything else, just allow myself to be weird, to have panic attacks, to figure out in a roundabout way what the causes of the panic attacks are and how to understand them and process them - and I also have to say that some of that has come from taking drugs and alcohol, in a controlled environment, alone, and for specific purposes, but nevertheless not exactly what would be recommended by your local women’s institute - I can’t give any infallible advise, but love is more important than anything else, if you still love your child then hold that close to you, if she still loves you then its a minor miracle worth celebrating. I think the one piece of advice I can give is to encourage your daughter to find out about, and honour, herself, at all costs, to really try to investigate how she is feeling and to support her explorations that facilitate her getting to know herself better, there are probably things she has learned while being with this inappropriate boyfriend that she has never thought even existed, like real revelations! And there will be things she will learn when it all turns to dust and she feels like the world has collapsed, probably better to be there, rather than wondering what is happening at a distance of many hundreds of miles. Best Wishes.