My autistic teenage son hates me

As this has been since he got the diagnosis specifically..... 

Do you have any sense about what it is about the diagnosis that may be hurting him? Is it the stigma, something about the way autism has been defined to him. that has upset him? Does he feel less of a 'man' because of it? Does he maybe feel that you now treat him differently, more as a disabled person because of it? Does he possibly now feel 'downgraded' with less value as a human being because of how he understands his diagnosis? 

Does he, however, unfairly, blame you because of perceived mistakes in his upbringing, or in terms of genes?

Those possibly are the issues that need to è addressed, along with any fears your son might have about his potentisl for becoming an independent adult. He is still the same boy he was  before he got the diagnosis, after all. 

Hi there. My son hasn't been diagnosed with ASD however he has ADHD and I'm certain he has this too.

All I can say is hold on in there. This sounds very very similar to my son at that age. He's 19 now and yes, goes downstairs and cooks food during the early hours, calls me all sorts like weak, beyond incompetent, etc. You may well worry for his safety, sending you hugs because it's so bloody hard. It should ease, over time, with baby steps. Yes, the behaviours remain but the ability to cope begins to develop so the dangerous element subsides. We've been up at a and e with his suicidal thoughts, school contacted us to contact papyrus. It's heartbreaking. 

If his mood dips, if you can try not to leave him alone, or at least not for long. But this may not be possible if you work.

How is his attending school? X

If you haven’t already could you try other ways of communicating? Writing a letter to him not a long emotional one just a few short sentences and giving him the paper & pen with the hope he may write one back to you? Or emailing each other?

Maybe your son can’t process his diagnosis? Was he fully on board with the process? He maybe struggling to accept being diagnosed? Maybe he’s angry that it wasn’t picked up earlier? 

I fully agree that seeing a psychiatrist once per month is not enough. I see my nhs CPN every month for 1 hour, it’s just not enough to be effective.

I hope your relationship with your son gets better. 

I'm doing my best to let him know I'm there ,he won't speak to me at the moment tells me he hates me and he wishes I was dead.He says I should have got rid of him says he shouldn't have been born its heartbreaking to hear, I feel helpless i just wish I could do more he only gets to see his psychiatrist once a month I just don't think that's enough he won't attend school he's completely isolated .

It's not you that he hates, it's the position he's found himself in. All of a sudden the world and his place in it look different. It's hard for any teenager to feel they fit in but even harder for him. If the aggression is verbal, I would say let him get it out without challenging it. Stay calm and don't take it personally. He's angry and needs to express it, so let him do it safely. If anything, the hatred you see is expressed towards you and the family because that is where he feels safe to express it. Have faith that he'll come back to you once he's gone through this. 

These are all good points. Sometimes our children need space and time before they are willing or able to accept help from us. If you’re anything like me you’ll be desperate to help your son - but sometimes we just have to leave them in peace and be patient. 

He's 15 and cooks for himself!! LOL you must be doing something right!! 

My son is 26 now, but at 15 he did appreciate cooking things on occasion. One new flavour profile or ingredient would slowly expand his palette. Most kids are going through something at this age, life is shocking enough. They're coming to terms with a maddening world around them. 

I would just make myself available to my son when he needed me. Make sure he was hydrated and fed. My father (undiagnosed autistic) would buy him the new and improved hand-held Nintendo device. We'd bond over going to the game shop or whatever he appeared interested in in the moment. Sometimes out for a walk with no requirement to talk. Sometimes just watching something together. 

Autism sets a whole new perimeter of values which can be complicated if you're not neurodivergent yourself. I can guess it would be a struggle. It's sometimes the knowledge of being different that bears down on the self and is reinforced with a sense of inability to survive a world which is already too much. 

I'm always a little hesitant to ask what another parent is implicating when they say their child is abusive. It's somewhat out of context. We have a role and responsibility toward them. And at 15, there's so much they don't understand. They might be acting on instinct, rather than having all the complexities of maturity and grounded education to allow Reason to temper the human-animal Instinct. So he might very well be reactive, responsive, impulsive. But an abuser is someone who would be better suited behind bars. Abuse is quite a weighted word, if said in public, it would be wise for the police to make a call round. At this age, he might be out of control. And when you add the autistic difference with communication, he will feel like a foreigner in his home land. He will have missed a great deal of important information on how to just get along in society. 

It may be that you buy him books or games and bottled water and make sure he's getting proper nourishment and then let him be. Allow him to emerge and come to you, who is a source and a safety he can depend on for now. If he were a wounded puppy, we'd leave things available for him to heal and feel safe, and let him hide under the sofa for a year until he felt safe again. Humans need healing and rest and when they find a sense of ground, they can actually emerge stronger.

He sounds overwhelmed and like he’s having trouble accepting and adjusting to this change. I had a burn out when I realised I was autistic, and it affected me badly for a year, and lasted about 3 years. I wouldn’t say I’m completely over it.

if he can’t talk right now, he needs more time. He might want to write something down, or record something for you, even if he just says he’s ok, but needs the time to himself without any stimulation.

He knows you’re there, but he’s 15. He might not want to ask for help. He probably thinks he can manage. 
Keep at it, slowly slowly. Seeing a psychiatrist is no quick fix, but in time, he might start to adjust to his new life.

That sounds awful for both of you - I’m so sorry.

The only thing I can say is to do all you can to let your son know that you are 100% on his side and are there for him whenever he feels he wants to talk.  Keep the channels of communication as open as you possibly can. It seems that at the moment he feels he cannot talk to you - and as parents we can’t do much about that, other than to make it clear that you are always there for him, and that when he feels he can accept any support that you are going to be there for him. Unconditional love - no matter what. 
If there are any little kind gestures you can make - small things like getting him his favourite food or something, just to show love and support - then it keeps that sense going that you are on his side and wanting to help. 
He’s obviously struggling as he’s seeing a psychiatrist - but I’m sure you’ll both get through this difficult time and be able to improve your relationship in time. Try to be patient and hopefully he’ll reach out to you when he’s ready.