I cannot cope

I found a brill link to research regarding shutdown.

It's on autismawareness.com

Under shutdown and stress in autism. Miller and Hendricks.

Can shutdown hurt your child.

I've found the information in that v eye opening and useful and there's also some homework u can do from it with children.

Be great to get your view on that article

Hi, I’ve just rechecked your daughters age as I was thinking, based on what you said above, that the other complication you’ve got approaching is adolescence/puberty/being a teenager. From experience (the eldest of my 3 girls is 21) girls can start going into that phase about 10, even if not physically yet then at least hormonally. What you just described sounds very much like my own daughter became around the same age, suddenly doing arts and crafts with mum was no longer as appealing where as sitting in her bedroom was more so. I’m not saying that’s the only thing going on here as clearly there’s a few things in the pot but it is another angle to look at her behaviour from, to partly explain the behaviour and hopefully stop you from feeling guilty/responsible for the behaviour. It’s a fine balance to try to achieve though, to give her the space she needs while also simultaneously ensuring she is adequately supported emotionally. You can only do your best though, that’s all any of us can do. 

I’ve just had to google search shutdown as it’s not something that I think I suffer from myself, or if I do then it’s mild enough for me not to have categorised it as such. I did find this link about shut down though which I hope you find helpful 

unstrangemind.com/.../

Yes..l go through to her to much sometimes. I really miss what she used to be like and how we would do sewing and free art and she would build lots of textured layered 3d pictures. Also she doesn't want to cook any more. I've also had success with having her bedroom door open so she can hear me buzzing about doing stuff.  But l do get told to go away mum..your doing my head in and aover askedis if she's ok or needs anyrhing.oh well

It's great having your experiences as l can then see how l can help her.

Everything is too much for her at the mo.

The other thing on interested in are shutdowns. These where happening every two weeks and where a reaction to stress and she does have a very low stress freshold. Even the dog wanting to be around or so on. 

We have had a good weekend .

Aw that’s a shame about the counselling. I’m glad you now have an anti molestation order in place though, hopefully you can both relax a bit more now. 

It sounds like you’re starting to make some positive inroads. I feel like it may be a case of slowly slowly catchy monkey, so to speak, but you will get through it in the end.

i just wanted to reassure you, as an AS sufferer myself. That needing time on our own for long periods is normal. I need a lot of time on my own. To get ‘in the zone’ aka obsessing about my current special interest, because that is the most calm and comfortable head space for me to be in. It’s nothing personal against anyone else, I just need that headspace, we all do. 

That said. When it concerns a minor, do check in with her reasonably frequently just so she knows that you are there if she needs you. I tend to need to escape into the zone more if I am stressed, a child would probably do the same but not necessary be aware of the reasons why.

im glad that she is responding well to you texting her or just popping in quickly, you are letting her know you care about and love her.

Hi. I've tried to get her counseling. Firstly with a private one but they won't come to the house. It's amazing as if l could work l could then afford to bring help to her but of course that's impossible in my current situation.

I think she has truama ontop of the autism .Do autistic children react more to negative atmosphere's.. she has grown up in one where we have been treated with contempt and coldness,rage and then pity for my ex who in his mind was a victim of the world

Since getting a anti molestation order she has calmed down a lot as she is terrified of being forced to see him.

I managed to get her in the bath last week and lm goingI'to aim on one a week for now..that's better than none. She is eating more..ISH and l have some good quality vitamins a n jelly form. Still only eaten certain types of foods though. 

I've calmed down a bit. I have a friend who had offered to child sit occasionally and my neighbours come in if l need to pop out.

I'm gonna to contact a carers charity to see if I can get any other help.

I managed to get a meeting with Cams.ss. head teacher and feel we are inching forward. The school have offered teaching att home for up to 5 hours a week.

the one thing I do find hard is that my daughter really loves being alone and I know this can be part of aspergers.so I want to go up and be with her and play with her and read books and all the things we used to do but she's regressed and she just doesn't want the company and actually tells me to go away.so after years of living with someone who was cold and never doing anything and being in an unloving relationship I suppose I feel a bit sad because now I have a daughter who although I know she loves me and I absolutely worship her finds it hard to find interact so we cannot do the things others do. We did not have a chriChris and l found out who my friends where as they deserted us. There's better ones to be found on sure.

I have found though that if I text her and send a messages with lots of love hearts in that she finds that just as rewarding and more acceptable and n a way than a hug.

also if I quickly go in and ask if she's ok and make sure she's got everything she's need and she's occupied or if she's hungry and then I just give her a quick peck on the head that seems to be fine.

Thanks. That's really helpful. Now she's been told she will get home schooling and not seeing Dad she is calming down.

I'm also constantly trying to not stress her and thats works.

Did your daughter have shut downs.?

Hi, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through what sounds like an extremely complex situation. There’s quite a lot of factors here so I’m going to try to address one at a time.

Firstly, there’s you. You’re trying to recover from an extremely abusive relationship and deal with ongoing leftover issues from that. On top of that you’re also having to deal with a daughter who, regardless of the reason, is behaving in an extremely abusive way towards you. You also mention that you don’t have a support network. I think it might be wise for you to see your GP to discuss your situation as they maybe able to help you or refer you on to someone who can. If you get to the point where you have had enough and you are at risk of harming yourself then please contact the 24/7 mental health crisis team who will assess you ASAP. There are also services such as the Samaritans that you can phone to talk to, just to sound off if you need to do that. Sorry I don’t mean to seem condescending at all, I just think it’s important that your needs are addressed as well as those of your daughter

http://www.derbyshirehealthcareft.nhs.uk/services/mental-health/crisis-teams/

Secondly, waiting for a diagnosis is frustrating in any circumstances, I suspect it is more frustrating for you as it’s a hurdle that you need to get past before you can access certain services and support for your daughter and yourself. Your GP would know which assessment centre she has been referred to for assessment, why not ask your GP for the number then you could call the centre direct to find out where she is on the waiting list and how long it might take until assessment. It might also help to update the GP about the situation with your daughter and ask them to chase the assessment centre themselves.

Thirdly, your daughter is also traumatised by your ex’s behaviour. I have to say that I’m very disappointed that neither social services or CAMS were prepared to help. Has she been given access to any counselling at all?

Hello,I am a single mum ,been through the hell of trying to do the 'right thing' regarding internet access,washing ,food...I know some folk in my life felt I was being 'irresponsible,neglectful...' when I decided the best thing to do was offer 24hr internet access,not make any 'fuss' about washing,give in to 'strange ' food requests...(It is a temporary measure-in my experience it does get better-my daughter was unable to describe what was going on her mind-so many things were causing extreme anxiety ,for me to take away her lifeline(Computer) was distressing,the bathroom light too bright...-so often she was experiencing sensory overload but could not express this(I had no idea back then but so much makes sense now),she felt 'different 'confused,frightened.I went through a period of 'talking' to my daughter using a notepad-it helped!,The past couple of years have been tough!(My daughter experiences suicidal ideation,self harm,anxiety,panic... but my daughter now has a diagnosis -upon reflection there has been exceptionally tough and challenging periods when I felt like I would lose my mind .(The 'rambling about special interests-my daughter is now aware of this and is able to respond well when I say 'okay,we can talk some more about that later..hint hint!!! )My daughter has stopped going to school-she is now a teenager-it is what it is ,her well being needs to be attened to.It is like you have to go against  the 'norms' of what is deemed to be 'good' parenting-let them stay up,stay dirty ,don't leave the room,don;t go to school-(My social life mainly consists of a walk to local convenience store-woohoo!However,my connection with my daughter feels strengthened-we are getting to know each other again.Xxx

Hi Ellie

Im spoke to the support line here today and they gave me an idea. To write to my daughter instead of trying to talk. I need to get across to her that we are a team now and that we can go forward, that I love her very much and Im very sorry about Daddy. The thing is I don't want to communicate the wrong way.

I just don't have that support network. After we left London we constantly moved around and I lost friends details or it was too far and they moved and so on. My mum diedand my family are not close. It never bothered me before this all happened as I love meeting people and volunteering and so on. But it sometimes feels like Iv had the rug pulled from under me. Also I cannot go anywhere at the moment

Im trying to make her come down for every meal from

yesterday onwards. And tonight a small flannel wash.

If anyone has any tips on getting her motivated and getting her attention away from computers that would be great. I make a point of telling her I love her and none of it is her fault. She does talk on and on about computer games though. If she where a boy Im sure it would be Pokémon. She used to go on and on about books to the point that other people would just stare.

It is really isolating when you cant get out.

No need to apologise for being tired.  The first and foremost thing is for both you are your daughter to get support. You have both been through hell and you need some stable time, time to feel able to gather strength and move forward. Time also, to rebond and regroup yourselves and your relationships with each other.

It is a shame that Social Workers etc take time off during xmas as this can be certainly a fit pit in terms of raging angst, family trauma etc etc ..... You need a big hug and much more than that besides.

Is there ANYONE you can reach out to... family, friend, neighbour.  This is a good community and will help also.

Ellie

x

Thanks for your reply Ellie.

She has always found socializing difficult and has been through six schools. At school shes always finding reasons why people do not like her . Always on the edge of the group and has always ended up making friends with the people who then go on to bully her whilst the mums and the kids who want to be her friends are ignored.My attempts to do the right thing are always wrong. In one school she was happy and that was a small private school where there were only about 6 girls in the whole year. I thought that was it but then my husband pulled the plug on it although they bought the fees down to almost nothing and it broke her heart when she left. But she was getting to the same point on not wanting to go in a bit at that school as well.

She never crawled and straight to walking The lack of eye contact has become  worse over the years. she has always been off with me from about the age of six and oppositional but that might be the environment.

More recently things have gotten worse. she constantly moves one part of her body and finds it hard to be cuddled. She wont go out which is driving me mad as I have towait until one trusted neighbour can look after her if I need to take a journey further than round the corner for some milk.

her father was very abusive to me it was like living in one of those domes. Everyones on the outside having a life and your in their with someone who changes from a barrister, to holier than thou, to raging and then being a victim. he would flip constantly and in the end I could hardly speak to him as I couldn't cope with him being so horrible and then laughing at me or ignoring me or putting me down infront of our daughter.

I took myself to see a psychologist a year ago as I couldn't take any more and wondered what on earth was wrong with me. I then learnt about narcissism and personality disorders and so on.

On the 15th of last month he did something that shocked me and has really made my daughter a lot worse. He had her at his house and told her he was going to kill himself and it was her fault and she had ruined his life. He then shut her in her room and said when she came out he would be dead and everyone would blame her. he then drove her home. She told me he did this in a fast and wiggly manner and it scared her. She said he said he was going to kill them both and if she lived everyone would blame her.

he then turned up at my house with her at 11pm. She came in upset and I told him to go as I would call the police. he did

So I calmed her and she told me what had gone on and I called the police ands services.

Since then shes been to school once and out once but now she wont. I have doctors surgery at the top of my road and they wont home visit. She is on a waiting list for assessment for autism but I have been told that it could take two years.

Social services have not helped and are now on Christmas break. The FRiday before Christmas CAMS came out as I had told them about her getting worse. They spoke to her on her own and then spoke to me. They said Im coping well and doing all the right things. They said that if I am making a hot chocolate I should offer her one ( as if I leave her up there and don't bother..really).

They are not bothered about her not being clean or hair filthy. Thay said that they would be looking to get her phased back into school and they would kick s services up the behind. I was told to see how 2019 goes..

so no counselling for whats happened with Dad to help her get back to school. She has always had issues about sleeping but we managed. But now I have an nocturnal child. If try and take her pc away or phone I get hit. She follows me downstairs and pushes me around.The last time she put her shoes on to kick me harder.

because we have moved so much..so I could not get settled and make friends I don't have a lot of friends. I have a lovely friend who comes round and looks after her when I was at court for the molestation order and she pops in for tea when she can. she has been giving me advice about getting the balance back as my daughter is copying some of her Dads mannerisms

Another friend has been helpful but has her own issues to deal with.

Iv been told by my daughters  teacher that she has traits and behaviours other children on the spectrum have. Also that shes bright. She has written of for a referral as well. They have a high number of children on the spectrum at the school but are not a specialist school ans of course are struggling with money. They are the most helpful one so far. But I cant get her there. her school have a senco lined up and a school psychologist but if I cannot get her there then what do I do. shes missed most of this last half term and most of the half term before that.

I am worn down I think. I need to get the balance that I am in charge across to her and the event of the 15h has made things worse. I will get back to the NUS for there peer help.

I think what gets me the most is the lack of help.

I know Im going to have to go through the house being smashed up before I can get her to school as that will be her response when I turn the internet off. Social services told me to let her have her phone or pc if it meant I didn't get hurt and could sleep.

But to me its like Maslow and the dog- psychology. You are training her to use the pc as a safety blanket. At least whenit was books she would fall asleep.

Im absolutely shattered and shes in bed after being up all night and its like groundhog day. Why does

everyone understands apart from the people who should be helping but don't and patrionise me.

Sorry about the spelling and so on, Im just very tired.

Thanks x

Hi

Sorry to hear that you are going through such a horrible time at the moment. You certainly have a lot to deal with and it is evident that you not only need additional support but also some respite yourself. 

It seems that you are coping the best way that you can and that your children are processing such a challenging situation in their own way - both parties confused, hurt and uncertain about what the future may hold. Has your child always behaved this way or is that an increasingly deteriorating situation due to the fallout from your abusive relationship?

Do you have any family or friends that can support you?  Being a single parent can feel highly isolating as it is, let alone with a wealth of issues to deal with at your doorstep. As a mum people can often assume that we innately have all the answers and all the skillset needed so just need to "get on with it" - reality is not often like that.... and most importantly, there is no shame in that and please don't give up flagging up the support you need to outside agencies!!!

Please don't think you may lose your children.  Have you reached out to NAS and their phone line, or MIND or other such agencies?  Have you spoken to your child's school and their SENCO department?

best wishes

Ellie