Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi.
I've posted before and I'm trying to do all the right thingsI. I have a 10-year-old who is on the way to being diagnosed. She spends every single day in her bedroom.she swears at me she won't wash her neck is absolutely dirty her hair is filthy she argues all the time. She will only eat what she wants to eat and chucks her food on the floor.
I went to social services for some help because she was attacking me when I was trying to get her to go to sleep without her phone or computer and they said to give it her for now. This is because of the violence towards me.I don't really see as a single parent going through a divorce from a controlling ex partner in the middle of a divorce how I can cope. No matter what I try with her she works against it.
I don't have a support system as I've been in a controlling marriage for 15 years.I'm now having to go through the courts to keep her father away from her because he threatened to kill himself in front of her 3 weeks ago and the police have been involved.l have a molestation order.
and I'm left dealing with her daily with no help even though I've asked for help from social services I've got cams involved and they have come round and when they visited she's been all lovely and everything and they've said all yes you're doing the right thing don't wworry.They said we won't get involved because we don't want to label her.you're doing the right thing with the diagnosis because we believe there some autistic traits there.
I think I'm very depressed because I've been in an abusive relationship for so long and I I'm thinking that maybe in 6 months time if I'm still in the same situation if I haven't gone completely mad and she's just going to have to go into care. That makes me sound like the mos un caring mother ever but what choice do I have to do when I have a child that won't leave her room chucks food around his violent won't listen to me.argues all the time is abusive to me and I can't seem to turn the control around. Im doing all the right things so that she'll listen to me and we can move forward with our lives.
I've been told that it could take up to 2 years for her to be diagnosed. The way things are going with the house and my life at the moment I can't see me be here in 2 years time if it carries on like this.
I'm so lonely and just being pushed from Piller to post by the NHS and doctor. The doctors is at the top of the road and they won't come and see her. She won't go out.
I'm in Derbyshire and lv just about had enough.
Hi, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through what sounds like an extremely complex situation. There’s quite a lot of factors here so I’m going to try to address one at a time.
Firstly, there’s you. You’re trying to recover from an extremely abusive relationship and deal with ongoing leftover issues from that. On top of that you’re also having to deal with a daughter who, regardless of the reason, is behaving in an extremely abusive way towards you. You also mention that you don’t have a support network. I think it might be wise for you to see your GP to discuss your situation as they maybe able to help you or refer you on to someone who can. If you get to the point where you have had enough and you are at risk of harming yourself then please contact the 24/7 mental health crisis team who will assess you ASAP. There are also services such as the Samaritans that you can phone to talk to, just to sound off if you need to do that. Sorry I don’t mean to seem condescending at all, I just think it’s important that your needs are addressed as well as those of your daughter
http://www.derbyshirehealthcareft.nhs.uk/services/mental-health/crisis-teams/
Secondly, waiting for a diagnosis is frustrating in any circumstances, I suspect it is more frustrating for you as it’s a hurdle that you need to get past before you can access certain services and support for your daughter and yourself. Your GP would know which assessment centre she has been referred to for assessment, why not ask your GP for the number then you could call the centre direct to find out where she is on the waiting list and how long it might take until assessment. It might also help to update the GP about the situation with your daughter and ask them to chase the assessment centre themselves.
Thirdly, your daughter is also traumatised by your ex’s behaviour. I have to say that I’m very disappointed that neither social services or CAMS were prepared to help. Has she been given access to any counselling at all?
Hi. I've tried to get her counseling. Firstly with a private one but they won't come to the house. It's amazing as if l could work l could then afford to bring help to her but of course that's impossible in my current situation.
I think she has truama ontop of the autism .Do autistic children react more to negative atmosphere's.. she has grown up in one where we have been treated with contempt and coldness,rage and then pity for my ex who in his mind was a victim of the world
Since getting a anti molestation order she has calmed down a lot as she is terrified of being forced to see him.
I managed to get her in the bath last week and lm goingI'to aim on one a week for now..that's better than none. She is eating more..ISH and l have some good quality vitamins a n jelly form. Still only eaten certain types of foods though.
I've calmed down a bit. I have a friend who had offered to child sit occasionally and my neighbours come in if l need to pop out.
I'm gonna to contact a carers charity to see if I can get any other help.
I managed to get a meeting with Cams.ss. head teacher and feel we are inching forward. The school have offered teaching att home for up to 5 hours a week.
the one thing I do find hard is that my daughter really loves being alone and I know this can be part of aspergers.so I want to go up and be with her and play with her and read books and all the things we used to do but she's regressed and she just doesn't want the company and actually tells me to go away.so after years of living with someone who was cold and never doing anything and being in an unloving relationship I suppose I feel a bit sad because now I have a daughter who although I know she loves me and I absolutely worship her finds it hard to find interact so we cannot do the things others do. We did not have a chriChris and l found out who my friends where as they deserted us. There's better ones to be found on sure.
I have found though that if I text her and send a messages with lots of love hearts in that she finds that just as rewarding and more acceptable and n a way than a hug.
also if I quickly go in and ask if she's ok and make sure she's got everything she's need and she's occupied or if she's hungry and then I just give her a quick peck on the head that seems to be fine.
Aw that’s a shame about the counselling. I’m glad you now have an anti molestation order in place though, hopefully you can both relax a bit more now.
It sounds like you’re starting to make some positive inroads. I feel like it may be a case of slowly slowly catchy monkey, so to speak, but you will get through it in the end.
i just wanted to reassure you, as an AS sufferer myself. That needing time on our own for long periods is normal. I need a lot of time on my own. To get ‘in the zone’ aka obsessing about my current special interest, because that is the most calm and comfortable head space for me to be in. It’s nothing personal against anyone else, I just need that headspace, we all do.
That said. When it concerns a minor, do check in with her reasonably frequently just so she knows that you are there if she needs you. I tend to need to escape into the zone more if I am stressed, a child would probably do the same but not necessary be aware of the reasons why.
im glad that she is responding well to you texting her or just popping in quickly, you are letting her know you care about and love her.
It sounds like that diagnosis can't come soon enough.
I'm glad that you had a lovely evening yesterday, it sounds like slowly things are starting to improve, hopefully that continues
A coffee morning for parents of autistic children sounds like a fantastic idea. good luck and let me know how it goes
The shut downs seem to happen a lot. To me l have to work out what in her environment or maybe something l have done or said that seems totally irrelevant.
Yes they are aware. I'm hoping to get the official diagnoses soon.
Had a lovely evening yesterday.
Im going to speak to my doctor's about using there facilities for a coffee morning for parents who have autistic children.
Making it a positive thing and see if l can get speakers to attend. Fingers crossed.
Hi, sorry for delay in replying, been busy with the children and housework!! I’m just reading the full article as I type and adding comments here every so often.
Shutdowns are not something that I’ve ever suffered from. It sounds like a stressful situation causes the mind to be exhausted enough that it needs to shut down for a period of time to enable it to recover.
I also found this study which explains the effect of stress hormones on the brain:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-athletes-way/201402/chronic-stress-can-damage-brain-structure-and-connectivity
Rather worrying if you ask me!
The Miller and Hendricks article does give some good advice at the end on managing shut downs. How often does your daughter have shut downs? Have you discussed them with her care provider?
I found the article. I'll try to read it all tonight once the younger children are in bed and let you know what i think of it.
I found a brill link to research regarding shutdown.
It's on autismawareness.com
Under shutdown and stress in autism. Miller and Hendricks.
Can shutdown hurt your child.
I've found the information in that v eye opening and useful and there's also some homework u can do from it with children.
Be great to get your view on that article
Hi, I’ve just rechecked your daughters age as I was thinking, based on what you said above, that the other complication you’ve got approaching is adolescence/puberty/being a teenager. From experience (the eldest of my 3 girls is 21) girls can start going into that phase about 10, even if not physically yet then at least hormonally. What you just described sounds very much like my own daughter became around the same age, suddenly doing arts and crafts with mum was no longer as appealing where as sitting in her bedroom was more so. I’m not saying that’s the only thing going on here as clearly there’s a few things in the pot but it is another angle to look at her behaviour from, to partly explain the behaviour and hopefully stop you from feeling guilty/responsible for the behaviour. It’s a fine balance to try to achieve though, to give her the space she needs while also simultaneously ensuring she is adequately supported emotionally. You can only do your best though, that’s all any of us can do.
I’ve just had to google search shutdown as it’s not something that I think I suffer from myself, or if I do then it’s mild enough for me not to have categorised it as such. I did find this link about shut down though which I hope you find helpful
unstrangemind.com/.../
Yes..l go through to her to much sometimes. I really miss what she used to be like and how we would do sewing and free art and she would build lots of textured layered 3d pictures. Also she doesn't want to cook any more. I've also had success with having her bedroom door open so she can hear me buzzing about doing stuff. But l do get told to go away mum..your doing my head in and aover askedis if she's ok or needs anyrhing.oh well
It's great having your experiences as l can then see how l can help her.
Everything is too much for her at the mo.
The other thing on interested in are shutdowns. These where happening every two weeks and where a reaction to stress and she does have a very low stress freshold. Even the dog wanting to be around or so on.
We have had a good weekend .