I've posted before and I'm trying to do all the right thingsI. I have a 10-year-old who is on the way to being diagnosed. She spends every single day in her bedroom.she swears at me she won't wash her neck is absolutely dirty her hair is filthy she argues all the time. She will only eat what she wants to eat and chucks her food on the floor.
I went to social services for some help because she was attacking me when I was trying to get her to go to sleep without her phone or computer and they said to give it her for now. This is because of the violence towards me.I don't really see as a single parent going through a divorce from a controlling ex partner in the middle of a divorce how I can cope. No matter what I try with her she works against it.
I don't have a support system as I've been in a controlling marriage for 15 years.I'm now having to go through the courts to keep her father away from her because he threatened to kill himself in front of her 3 weeks ago and the police have been involved.l have a molestation order.
and I'm left dealing with her daily with no help even though I've asked for help from social services I've got cams involved and they have come round and when they visited she's been all lovely and everything and they've said all yes you're doing the right thing don't wworry.They said we won't get involved because we don't want to label her.you're doing the right thing with the diagnosis because we believe there some autistic traits there.
I think I'm very depressed because I've been in an abusive relationship for so long and I I'm thinking that maybe in 6 months time if I'm still in the same situation if I haven't gone completely mad and she's just going to have to go into care. That makes me sound like the mos un caring mother ever but what choice do I have to do when I have a child that won't leave her room chucks food around his violent won't listen to me.argues all the time is abusive to me and I can't seem to turn the control around. Im doing all the right things so that she'll listen to me and we can move forward with our lives.
I've been told that it could take up to 2 years for her to be diagnosed. The way things are going with the house and my life at the moment I can't see me be here in 2 years time if it carries on like this.
I'm so lonely and just being pushed from Piller to post by the NHS and doctor. The doctors is at the top of the road and they won't come and see her. She won't go out.
I'm in Derbyshire and lv just about had enough.
Sorry to hear that you are going through such a horrible time at the moment. You certainly have a lot to deal with and it is evident that you not only need additional support but also some respite yourself.
It seems that you are coping the best way that you can and that your children are processing such a challenging situation in their own way - both parties confused, hurt and uncertain about what the future may hold. Has your child always behaved this way or is that an increasingly deteriorating situation due to the fallout from your abusive relationship?
Do you have any family or friends that can support you? Being a single parent can feel highly isolating as it is, let alone with a wealth of issues to deal with at your doorstep. As a mum people can often assume that we innately have all the answers and all the skillset needed so just need to "get on with it" - reality is not often like that.... and most importantly, there is no shame in that and please don't give up flagging up the support you need to outside agencies!!!
Please don't think you may lose your children. Have you reached out to NAS and their phone line, or MIND or other such agencies? Have you spoken to your child's school and their SENCO department?
Thanks for your reply Ellie.
She has always found socializing difficult and has been through six schools. At school shes always finding reasons why people do not like her . Always on the edge of the group and has always ended up making friends with the people who then go on to bully her whilst the mums and the kids who want to be her friends are ignored.My attempts to do the right thing are always wrong. In one school she was happy and that was a small private school where there were only about 6 girls in the whole year. I thought that was it but then my husband pulled the plug on it although they bought the fees down to almost nothing and it broke her heart when she left. But she was getting to the same point on not wanting to go in a bit at that school as well.
She never crawled and straight to walking The lack of eye contact has become worse over the years. she has always been off with me from about the age of six and oppositional but that might be the environment.
More recently things have gotten worse. she constantly moves one part of her body and finds it hard to be cuddled. She wont go out which is driving me mad as I have towait until one trusted neighbour can look after her if I need to take a journey further than round the corner for some milk.
her father was very abusive to me it was like living in one of those domes. Everyones on the outside having a life and your in their with someone who changes from a barrister, to holier than thou, to raging and then being a victim. he would flip constantly and in the end I could hardly speak to him as I couldn't cope with him being so horrible and then laughing at me or ignoring me or putting me down infront of our daughter.
I took myself to see a psychologist a year ago as I couldn't take any more and wondered what on earth was wrong with me. I then learnt about narcissism and personality disorders and so on.
On the 15th of last month he did something that shocked me and has really made my daughter a lot worse. He had her at his house and told her he was going to kill himself and it was her fault and she had ruined his life. He then shut her in her room and said when she came out he would be dead and everyone would blame her. he then drove her home. She told me he did this in a fast and wiggly manner and it scared her. She said he said he was going to kill them both and if she lived everyone would blame her.
he then turned up at my house with her at 11pm. She came in upset and I told him to go as I would call the police. he did
So I calmed her and she told me what had gone on and I called the police ands services.
Since then shes been to school once and out once but now she wont. I have doctors surgery at the top of my road and they wont home visit. She is on a waiting list for assessment for autism but I have been told that it could take two years.
Social services have not helped and are now on Christmas break. The FRiday before Christmas CAMS came out as I had told them about her getting worse. They spoke to her on her own and then spoke to me. They said Im coping well and doing all the right things. They said that if I am making a hot chocolate I should offer her one ( as if I leave her up there and don't bother..really).
They are not bothered about her not being clean or hair filthy. Thay said that they would be looking to get her phased back into school and they would kick s services up the behind. I was told to see how 2019 goes..
so no counselling for whats happened with Dad to help her get back to school. She has always had issues about sleeping but we managed. But now I have an nocturnal child. If try and take her pc away or phone I get hit. She follows me downstairs and pushes me around.The last time she put her shoes on to kick me harder.
because we have moved so much..so I could not get settled and make friends I don't have a lot of friends. I have a lovely friend who comes round and looks after her when I was at court for the molestation order and she pops in for tea when she can. she has been giving me advice about getting the balance back as my daughter is copying some of her Dads mannerisms
Another friend has been helpful but has her own issues to deal with.
Iv been told by my daughters teacher that she has traits and behaviours other children on the spectrum have. Also that shes bright. She has written of for a referral as well. They have a high number of children on the spectrum at the school but are not a specialist school ans of course are struggling with money. They are the most helpful one so far. But I cant get her there. her school have a senco lined up and a school psychologist but if I cannot get her there then what do I do. shes missed most of this last half term and most of the half term before that.
I am worn down I think. I need to get the balance that I am in charge across to her and the event of the 15h has made things worse. I will get back to the NUS for there peer help.
I think what gets me the most is the lack of help.
I know Im going to have to go through the house being smashed up before I can get her to school as that will be her response when I turn the internet off. Social services told me to let her have her phone or pc if it meant I didn't get hurt and could sleep.
But to me its like Maslow and the dog- psychology. You are training her to use the pc as a safety blanket. At least whenit was books she would fall asleep.
Im absolutely shattered and shes in bed after being up all night and its like groundhog day. Why does
everyone understands apart from the people who should be helping but don't and patrionise me.
Sorry about the spelling and so on, Im just very tired.
No need to apologise for being tired. The first and foremost thing is for both you are your daughter to get support. You have both been through hell and you need some stable time, time to feel able to gather strength and move forward. Time also, to rebond and regroup yourselves and your relationships with each other.
It is a shame that Social Workers etc take time off during xmas as this can be certainly a fit pit in terms of raging angst, family trauma etc etc ..... You need a big hug and much more than that besides.
Is there ANYONE you can reach out to... family, friend, neighbour. This is a good community and will help also.
Im spoke to the support line here today and they gave me an idea. To write to my daughter instead of trying to talk. I need to get across to her that we are a team now and that we can go forward, that I love her very much and Im very sorry about Daddy. The thing is I don't want to communicate the wrong way.
I just don't have that support network. After we left London we constantly moved around and I lost friends details or it was too far and they moved and so on. My mum diedand my family are not close. It never bothered me before this all happened as I love meeting people and volunteering and so on. But it sometimes feels like Iv had the rug pulled from under me. Also I cannot go anywhere at the moment
Im trying to make her come down for every meal from
yesterday onwards. And tonight a small flannel wash.
If anyone has any tips on getting her motivated and getting her attention away from computers that would be great. I make a point of telling her I love her and none of it is her fault. She does talk on and on about computer games though. If she where a boy Im sure it would be Pokémon. She used to go on and on about books to the point that other people would just stare.
It is really isolating when you cant get out.
Hello,I am a single mum ,been through the hell of trying to do the 'right thing' regarding internet access,washing ,food...I know some folk in my life felt I was being 'irresponsible,neglectful...' when I decided the best thing to do was offer 24hr internet access,not make any 'fuss' about washing,give in to 'strange ' food requests...(It is a temporary measure-in my experience it does get better-my daughter was unable to describe what was going on her mind-so many things were causing extreme anxiety ,for me to take away her lifeline(Computer) was distressing,the bathroom light too bright...-so often she was experiencing sensory overload but could not express this(I had no idea back then but so much makes sense now),she felt 'different 'confused,frightened.I went through a period of 'talking' to my daughter using a notepad-it helped!,The past couple of years have been tough!(My daughter experiences suicidal ideation,self harm,anxiety,panic... but my daughter now has a diagnosis -upon reflection there has been exceptionally tough and challenging periods when I felt like I would lose my mind .(The 'rambling about special interests-my daughter is now aware of this and is able to respond well when I say 'okay,we can talk some more about that later..hint hint!!! )My daughter has stopped going to school-she is now a teenager-it is what it is ,her well being needs to be attened to.It is like you have to go against the 'norms' of what is deemed to be 'good' parenting-let them stay up,stay dirty ,don't leave the room,don;t go to school-(My social life mainly consists of a walk to local convenience store-woohoo!However,my connection with my daughter feels strengthened-we are getting to know each other again.Xxx
Thanks. That's really helpful. Now she's been told she will get home schooling and not seeing Dad she is calming down.
I'm also constantly trying to not stress her and thats works.
Did your daughter have shut downs.?
Hello NAS50003,yes my daughter has experienced 'shut downs'.Things seem to be better as she has time away from school and not seeing her dad is certainly helping too!-she has seen him on a few occasions over the past couple of months but only when I am there-he has not helped the situation as he has been adamant that our daughter could be 'fixed' if 'proper discipline' was enforced-on a couple of occasions he told my daughter that she needs to 'toughen up' and if she didn't try/go to school, she would live with him to make sure that she does!!!!!When it comes to school and her dad I have been left to pick up the pieces!School have listened to dad's views but not mine,(he has maintained that discipline is needed-I know he has his own issues to deal with-denial about this and our daughter is (putting it mildly) most unhelpful! It is highly likely that the current school provision is unsuitable-they claim to have a support base but it is clear to me that it is a 'dumping ground/baby sitting service-better that my daughter is at home than in an unwelcoming environment-I have had to push for everything-the school have not helped -I have requested ED Psych input,and have requested a CSP for my daughter-the only legally binding document relating to her education-I am fed up with pointless meetings with the school and will be keeping a paper trail from now on-I'll be taking the school to task and my daughter's dad (I have kept a record of events and have kept CAHMS informed of concerns about my daughter's dad too)-I have a few things up my sleeve should he persist in doing and saying things that send my daughter into a state of alarm and fear-he has many of his own issues to deal with-my daughter is not responsible for his happiness!!!! The school have had no leadership -this has very recently changed but time will tell how effective this could be,Ed Psych -first meeting seemed like a waste of time as the school ignored advice-(however,the first meeting was necessary as it can now lead to a multi agency meeting)It is a battle to get people to listen but I do believe that the health professionals are listening and DO want to help to advocate for my daughter-I have contacted 'Enquire' for advice regarding my daughter's rights /education- I have a long list of agencies to get in touch with-support as a single parent,contact for Advocacy worker-extra help to back up my daughter's voice in terms of school and her dad's unwelcome and unhelpful interference...Tough but all is so much better than it has been-my daughter and I are a team,things could be better but they certainly have been so much worse!We are getting there.Sounds like we share very similar experiences-when I first read your post it felt like I had written it! I've gone through the 'CAHMS' not wanting to 'label' my daughter prior to and during the assessment period-it makes sense now as they can not do this until diagnosis has occurred.It is all so tough going but it does get better-keep doing what you are doing,give yourself a pat on the back-do what feels right even if other folk tell you it is wrong-the professionals have been saying that you are doing right by your daughter and they are right!Our experiences are so similar-please know that you will look back and give yourself a huge pat on the back and think 'well done me!'-keep going,keep doing what you are doing.Wish there wasn't a substantial geographical difference -I'ld be attending the coffee morning-wishing you and your daughter all the best.Xxxx
I've just realised l missed your post.
Yes it's v similar and l would v much like to keep up to date with each other .
It's v difficult and stressful. I'm begining to get things done.
Her school are amazing and the head second to none. Just wish l had found them earlier.
Not sure ehere u are. I'm starting a autism parents group as l think it's needed locally.
Our life's are quite parallel.
I hadn't seen your post .It's just come through in an email now.
Hello,I live in Scotland but would be happy to stay in touch-don't feel that I've got to grips with the various settings on this forum but will check to make sure I have unlocked my private message setting-think it is currently locked but as soon as I have finished this reply I will endeavour to change my current settings.Please feel free to send a PM.Great to hear that the school is supportive.I feel like I am getting things done now too-I feel I need to pace myself in a bid to avoid being overwhelmed.Xxx
Hello,I have changed my setting so that I can receive private messages-I tried to send you a PM but I see that this is not currently possible, as previously stated ,please feel free to get in touch.In the meantime,thank you @NA S5003,it has offered comfort to identify with all that you have described-to share experiences with another who really knows how difficult and stressful this is ,it does help .Xxx
Yes it's v similar.
the one thing that has made my life different is my daughter started school locally where they have a high proportion of autistic children and this worked in her favour.
Because they have such a numbers they do with everyone the right way.
are there any schools local to you l that that she could possibly go to and then you will get the help because the teachers and the head will see her behaviour and know exactly what's going on.
My daughter is due to seei a Ed psychologist at home in 3 weeks time.
She will also be having up to 5 hours schooling at home.
but this is only come about because her head teacher is fully aware that she has always been autistic and other schools have never dealt with it and she is in a desperate situation now where she really needs a lot of help.
also the other thing I'd like to tell anyone reading this is I started my daughter on some Nordic pure dha fish oil gummies and literally from the first day she has been so much, it's been amazing.
it sounds as though your husband is quite totalitarian in his style of parroting if that's the right word to use.
The methods he is suggesting won't work and it will actually make her worse from my eexperience.
I am a firm believer that autistic children especially pick up on atmospheres i created by adults and if those adults are overbearing or negative then it can make a huge impact on the child's well being.
Do u belong tot the ADHD.ASD group on Facebook.? It's for carers and parents.
hopel l have not made too many spelling mistakes I have terrible problems with my eyes at the momen
Take Care of yourselves.x