"Coming Out"

Kant said:

I just asked myself the same question. What is going to happen if I "come out" as an aspie at my workplace? Any experiences welcome!

I had a terrible time at my new job last year. I started the end of April and around my six month mark, things were unraveling fast. The boss was and had always been happy with my work and technical ability, but coworkers said I was rude amonst other things. I felt compelled to 'come out'. Since doing so, life at work has been so much better! I don't have to have so much communication with the company as awhole, only to the necessary parties, and poof, no more issues! FYI, I was MISERABLE before that.

Hi Trainspotter

Your experiences sound very familiar to mine. It does sound like you are getting it together. Take as much time as you need to get what you need and enjoy the process of discovery that awaits you. Thanks for starting your discussion. It has been interesting to see what you and others have had to say.

All the best.

Hi Trainspotter

I'm pleased that you have found coming out to be positive. I came out in the firm (A) where the problems first really reared their heads. I left that firm (things had gone beyond the point of return) and joined another (B) and am now in another firm (C). Firm A should have been a good environment but management was fundamentally bad. Firm B was the wrong environment for me - the management were supportive but the job and the timescales/mix of work was bad for me so I walked away after 12 months. Firm C, after 5 months in role, has a supportive management and the mix of work is ideal for me. They have allowed me time to settle in and they are not chasing me constantly so I get on and start and finish things in a sensible (to me!) order.

I came out and told everyone in Firm A - my collegues were really good (a few said they thought they were on the spectrum and others had relatives or friends with diagnoses) but there was one manager who just did not get it and ultimately the town was two small for the both of us so I left. Firm B was told when I joined as I had to do a medical screening first. My immediate manager was good but the work mix and support for the work was not compatible with me. I told a few colleagues but did not broadcast it widely. I picked the people I told and that worked well. Firm C was told after I had been offered the job. My manager is really good although he doesn't know much about it - he is just a good manager and allows people enough space to get on (or hang themselves!) without being on their shoulders constantly.

I went to Access to Work too and found them supportive and knowledgable (the relevant work was outsourced to The British Legion who do a line in helping people and organisations to get on with each other.) but they couldn't fix a really broken or incompatible situation.

I also had help from Bristol's autism support service who were excellent but, again, were unable to fix broken companies. They really helped me understand myself and what autism is all about.

Your mileage may vary! Coming out can be really good but it is best done with care! My main point is that we, and the organisations we find ourselves in, are all different and one may find that moving organisations may be part of the solution. Coming out can have positive results but also negative so I would urge any newcomers to err on the side of caution - do tell some people but not necessarily everyone.

NAS18906 said:

. I wonder if your manager may fall into the category of not being capable of doing something useful with the information? Some managers are really not good at dealing with other people (some managers are psychopaths, some are autistic, some are clueless, only a few are really good).

My manager already knew.  After an extended period off with anxiety and depression, management were too insistant on getting me back to the very duties that, with my autism, I was most unsuited for.  I have gone into the TUPE and the resulting change of procedures in previous posts so I will not bore anyone with this here.

Regarding management, no they did not understand pre diagnosis.  I had disclosed to the manager I was going for an assessment and I think she simply thought it was an excuse to avoid doing some work which I did not want to do = as distinct fromunable to do.  Being referred to Occupational Health pre diagnosis they simply did not take any notice at all of the fact I might be autistic and were most unhelpful, just adding fuel to the manager's fire that I was 'suitable for all duties'.

My diagnosis soon after led me to referring my self to Access to Work and a further referral from management to the Occupational Health service.  Access to Work could not have been more helpful, even though the work is contracted to Capita and all their baggage.  Then in the same week I saw Occupational Health, this time accompanied by my union representative.  And he having read my diagnosis report and after a period said 'anyone could tell I was autistic, it is so obvious'. 

So after this, I am to get support from my local autism specialist support organisation, who are assessing the workplace.  I have been excused duties that I could not do.  I am being offered a quieter area to work. Before I disclosed my autism to some people I was getting far more adverse reaction from others, they thought I was just refusing to do certain things and getting my way.  'Coming out' has been a far more positive experience and now I am able to get on with things, even though all the adjustmentts are not yet in place.  Management move slowly, but I am pretty sure things will move to the direction I require.

As I said in my original post, 'coming out' may not suit everyone.  I was very apprehensive about it.  But now it is me who feels in control of the situation, I'm autistic, others are going to have to accept and live with that. 

And I must say, so far it seems as though they have in a far more positive way than I ever thought possible.

I would advise some caution and some consideration for the particular workplace. Some people will take the news very well, some won't. Some will treat you worse because they don't have a clue about it. I wonder if your manager may fall into the category of not being capable of doing something useful with the information? Some managers are really not good at dealing with other people (some managers are psychopaths, some are autistic, some are clueless, only a few are really good).

A lot of people with autism have a great urge to disclose (non autistic people might be more careful with handling this sort of personal information). If you disclose too soon after diagnosis you may not have worked out a really good strategy of deciding who to tell.

That's really great to hear! I guess we're not really the best judges of what people are thinking and how they will react. That's a really positive result, I wish you all the best and hope it continues changing things for the better.

I am now going through the office telling people.  I must say that so far I have had nothing but support.

The biggest surprise I had though was by telling someone who I was sure would just make some stupid remark, who I was sure would just think it was an excuse.  I could not have been more wrong.  She was very supportive and even apologised for some of the things she had said about me before she knew.  She said that it all fits into place about how I was and asked why I had not told her before.

I am not going down the 'big announcement' route.  Rather I am telling peple one by one, and if they choose to tell others I am not bothered.  I am finding that people are not so bigoted as I thought they may be and that I am getting very genuine helpful reactions.  My workplace may be the exception but perhaps we tend to misjudge people on the basis of how we think they are. 

But so far it has been a very positive thng

I think there is a big difference between letting people know you are an autistic person and getting them to understand what it actually means and how it affects you. I am having an extremely tough time since my diagnosis educating the two non-autistic people closest to me. They really have no willingness to even try to understand.

I recognise all the positives about me and so do they, but the minute I explain what I'm not so good at they switch off, block me from elaborating, tell me everyone has my experiences, I mustn't worry and worst of all, that I must change when they have no sense at all that they need to change and listen. It's so frustrating when people you care about and who care about you seem unable to accept we have have terrible social anxiety at times and they deny it when we show it. We must do more to get over it. Aaargh!

So, whilst I still fundamentally believe it is a good thing to help the non-autistic world to be more inclusive for us, this week, infact the whole of January, has been an awful time for me. I now think that I should just clam and not even mention my problems, because they just make it worse for me. I'm sure this is just a bad phase and I will have many more goes. I will find a way, but for now, I'm with the view that caution is needed over who you tell, what you tell and how you tell about yourself, because it can make you incredibly vulnerable. I hope to feel better soon.

I think it is a brave thing to disclose autism - it's not easy. All in all I think disclosing is a good thing, and the more people there are who do disclose and are open about it, the easier it will be for other autistics who follow in their wake. After all, it is good to talk about these things as this reduces ignorance and the idea that autism is a 'hush hush' subject that must be ignored and treated as a pariah. 

Continuing the thread I started .....

Like you, Disbeliever, I don't think I would have bothered about considering telling anyone apart from the problems I have been facing latterly at work.  Work was not a problem to me until the TUPE timebomb was primed and all the attendant issues that threw up.

I saw my employers Occupational Health providers last week.  This time it was a far more positive experience for me than previously, at least I thought someone understood.  I was told by the doctor at Occupational Health that my ASD was obvious and even if I hadn't had a diagnosis he would still have thought that I was on the spectrum.  Strange why the previous occupational health doctor wasn't as convinced before my diagnosis.

With the 'adjustments' recommended by Access to Work and by Occupational Health, and the support of my local Autism support organisation at work, it will be well nigh impossible to keep it secret anyway. Most people think I am very strange anyway.  So I think it will be better if people are comfortable mentioning my autism, not pretending as if it doesn't exist.  It is a normal part of my life, it is me, and I am it.

But however many times I keep saying that to myself, however much I try convincing myself, I feel as apprehensive and potentially embarrassed about it as I would about turning up to work naked.  Everyone can imagine what 'parts' I have under my clothes but that would not stop the embarrassment if it actually happened.

In reality, I imagine when the time comes to reveal my condition that most others would not care less about it.

Interesting thread.

I only got confirmation of AS a couple of weeks ago and so far told no one other than my parents. I have no specific problems at work, I have things that are stressful and I find hard to do (meetings and engagements with customers specifically) but everyone has hard stuff to do now and then. The thing I dread most actually is lunch and meeting someone I know in the canteen and having to eat with a bunch of people I barely know. I usually grab and eat at my desk.

I currently do not intend to tell anyone at work, if I start to see problems occurring Ill probably explain the issue (not the underlying cause) and work around it, "it's just me, I don't do/handle xyz well". However, if someone asks me a direct question regarding autism I see no reason not to tell them. I'm not going to hide it, just not advertise it.

I also do not intend to mention it on any medical form unless explicitly asked and it has some relevance. As far as I'm concerned I'm me and I'm trying to be happy with that as I can't change it.

I haven't worked out what to do with friends and family yet though.

StephenHarris said:

I do wonder if people, considering my behaviour - namely my very odd sense of humour (I often pretend not to get a reference or a joke) - may have guessed anyway.

I think more astute people with an experience of such things can have a good idea.

After my diagnosis in December, I was referred to Occupational Health at work by my manager, who does not appear to understand about the autism spectrum condition at all.  All she is interested in is the job role and how I can fulfil my 'full duties'.

Despite my earlier experiences with Occupational Health, this time I must say it was very much more positive.  Even though I had my diagnosis, the doctor said I was so affected with autistic tendencies that he would have thought that was the problem even without a diagnosis.  And at last I thought someone with some authority at work was listening to me.

I am telling more people at work every day, sooner or later I will tell someone who cannot keep their mouth shut.  But when I have my autism support in the workplace I have decided that at that point I will let them let everyone know.

And at that point I have a feeling that I will have found some sort of inner peace.

I do wonder if people, considering my behaviour - namely my very odd sense of humour (I often pretend not to get a reference or a joke) - may have guessed anyway.

I drafted a long post and then realised I just seem to be agreeing with itsme. The salient points are that it helped me to tell my management and anyone I consider a close friend at work (people I trust, and know they don't gossip), and that most people don't generally understand what it is, even if you find a good way of explaining to them. You have strengths, and you have weaknesses, so let your management know these, let them help support you, and remember that the people you describe as 'bigotted' probably shouldn't matter too much to you anyway. You don't need to let them in.

I'll include my original post below anyway.

One of the big problems with autism is other people. There can be a perception that people will treat you differently if they know; but also, if they understand what it means, it can mean they suddenly realise and treat you in a better, more supportive way. I'm not talking about 'haters' here, people who gossip and judge, I'm talking about kind people who just lacked the understanding. Other peoples' understanding of autism is probably the key thing here. If you're in a supportive environment, there should be no issue with you "coming out". If you're in a judgemental one, what will you gain by telling them? If they're the type of people who gossip, whisper and judge, they're probably not the type of people who will suddenly relent and treat you much better because of it. The 'bigots' aren't going to learn their lesson just because management told them so, they're going to continue on as they always do.

The other problem is that generally people just don't get what autism is - even after you explain it means you have "social difficulties", and give them some details or a video to watch, they don't fundamentally understand what it means.

There is another option: just tell the people it matters to. For me, this means my manager (where I need support, and so he can get the best out of me), and anyone I trust as a friend. I told my manager I have autism, so he could understand and help support me, and I've told a friend at work, because it felt right to - I knew I could trust him and it wouldn't affect our friendship.

When I discovered I had autism (it took another 2.5 years to get the formal diagnosis), I told both my manager and my team leader, and sent them some links to the NAS website including the "What is autism?" video, to help them understand. My team leader is a very social creature and it took over a year of monthly meetings with him for him to finally grasp what it meant, he just had no concept of it at all. I think he still forgets sometimes too, it's just so alien to him. My manager just accepts this is me, and relies on me to tell him what I need help with, and if I need anything in the workplace changing. I personally have decided there should be some "give and take" in this - I may need something changing, or need someone else in the team to do a particular task that I have no hope of doing (for me, anything to do with organising and scheduling), but in return I take on parts of their tasks that I truly excel at, giving a significantly better outcome, such as problem-solving.

It might help to see if you can find out what people's perceptions are of you. For me, I fit the 'geek' stereotype - great at computers with rubbish with people. People accept that I'm not conversational, that I get straight to the point, because they know they can rely on me for good technical results. I have a reputation in my area for solving complex problems that no-one else can - I even get people from other teams coming to me for help. When someone gets stuck with something they just can't solve, I think their manager whispers in their ear to come see me. But the key to all this is acceptance. I work for a very large company with a very accepting culture. We have gay pride groups and the like, with posters and events and corporate-wide acknowledgment and support. We have people here with depression, and people don't treat each other differently, it's just accepted. I realise not every workplace is like this.

My manager does take my autism into account now. The year prior to me discovering I have autism, I got no annual bonus and was seen to be "underperforming" because I don't join in in meetings, didn't speak up when other people expected me to, and other social-related things. After I disclosed to my manager, and explained to him what it meant, he suddenly understood and since then I've been seen as greatly overperforming, because management have realised they need to be looking at different "success criteria" that don't include the social stuff. I give real, measurable results which end up making considerable money for the company, or avoids costs by fixing things early. In meetings, he now addresses me before he speaks to me, so I know he's talking to me and I can join in, and he gets considerable benefit from doing that as the team does better with my input and insights. It no longer matters if I don't do small-talk with people, but get straight to the matter in hand. Instead of telling everyone I have autism - which I don't want to do, because I'm not close friends with lots of them and so I don't trust them - I let them think of me as the 'geek' stereotype and they can make up their own minds. Everyone will choose their own perception, and I have no control over that.

I know you don't want to use the autism card as an excuse and to explain to people that they should treat you differently. It's taken me 2.5 years to come to terms with my autism, and I now feel confident in my skin at work. It's my choice who I tell, no-one else's, and I'm happy to be very 'to the point' when communicating with people (this does not mean being rude, it means you just talk about the task), and to do my best at the tasks I'm given. It helps that I'm in a technical environment because there are lots of others here like me.

I like the idea of getting someone in to talk about autism to your whole team, without mentioning you. It's a subtle way of doing it and social convention may force the gossips to think twice if suddenly the whole team comes to their own conclusion that the trainer is describing you, and accepts this.

Hi trainspotter

I saw your posting and decided to register, as I have had to address similar issues.

I think it's a good idea to help your manager understand your needs before spreading the word wider. Focus on what you can do and what you think you need to help you do the other tasks as your employer would like.

Reasonable adjustments are your right, although it may take time to get the correct package for your needs.

It took me a year before I explained to colleagues that I was autistic and I don't think it meant much to them, or to my closer people. They accept me for who I am and don't understand much when I try to explain.

My only need to extend wider is to spread general word about autism. If anyone reacted negatively they would not be part of my life. I shield myself quite well. It takes something strong inside to reveal your real self and I think good people respect that. If you're not ready, or need help, your manager could broker this for you.

Kant said:

I just asked myself the same question. What is going to happen if I "come out" as an aspie at my workplace? Any experiences welcome!

Hi Kant,

I will let you know what happens when I let the word out  I have several meetings with management/access to work/my local support group/my union officer over the next couple of weeks which 'should' end up with some adjustments for me if everything goes well. 

Provided I get the funding from Access to Work, for training for the staff to cope with a colleague on the spectrum (I chose the word 'cope' by the way!) it will be then that I will let it be common knowledge.  I think the more astute of them will guess its me they are talking about anyway and a lot of them will not be surprised. 

Just the odd one or two I think who will find it very difficult to keep their bigoted remarks to themselves. I think I will leave it to the manager to tell them though, rather than make some formal announcement myself.  And I know the office gossips who I'm sure will make sure everyone knows at lightning speed.

I am just of the opinion that it is nothing to be ashamed of, and by letting people know it will help educate them that they shouldn't make judgements about people. Everyone has their quirks, whether they have an autism condition or not.

I will just add that those trusted souls I have told at work (with the exception of one of the managers) have offered nothing but kind words and support.

I just asked myself the same question. What is going to happen if I "come out" as an aspie at my workplace? Any experiences welcome!

I personally don't volunteer it to colleagues; however I will put it on a health form.