"Coming Out"

I drafted a long post and then realised I just seem to be agreeing with itsme. The salient points are that it helped me to tell my management and anyone I consider a close friend at work (people I trust, and know they don't gossip), and that most people don't generally understand what it is, even if you find a good way of explaining to them. You have strengths, and you have weaknesses, so let your management know these, let them help support you, and remember that the people you describe as 'bigotted' probably shouldn't matter too much to you anyway. You don't need to let them in.

I'll include my original post below anyway.

One of the big problems with autism is other people. There can be a perception that people will treat you differently if they know; but also, if they understand what it means, it can mean they suddenly realise and treat you in a better, more supportive way. I'm not talking about 'haters' here, people who gossip and judge, I'm talking about kind people who just lacked the understanding. Other peoples' understanding of autism is probably the key thing here. If you're in a supportive environment, there should be no issue with you "coming out". If you're in a judgemental one, what will you gain by telling them? If they're the type of people who gossip, whisper and judge, they're probably not the type of people who will suddenly relent and treat you much better because of it. The 'bigots' aren't going to learn their lesson just because management told them so, they're going to continue on as they always do.

The other problem is that generally people just don't get what autism is - even after you explain it means you have "social difficulties", and give them some details or a video to watch, they don't fundamentally understand what it means.

There is another option: just tell the people it matters to. For me, this means my manager (where I need support, and so he can get the best out of me), and anyone I trust as a friend. I told my manager I have autism, so he could understand and help support me, and I've told a friend at work, because it felt right to - I knew I could trust him and it wouldn't affect our friendship.

When I discovered I had autism (it took another 2.5 years to get the formal diagnosis), I told both my manager and my team leader, and sent them some links to the NAS website including the "What is autism?" video, to help them understand. My team leader is a very social creature and it took over a year of monthly meetings with him for him to finally grasp what it meant, he just had no concept of it at all. I think he still forgets sometimes too, it's just so alien to him. My manager just accepts this is me, and relies on me to tell him what I need help with, and if I need anything in the workplace changing. I personally have decided there should be some "give and take" in this - I may need something changing, or need someone else in the team to do a particular task that I have no hope of doing (for me, anything to do with organising and scheduling), but in return I take on parts of their tasks that I truly excel at, giving a significantly better outcome, such as problem-solving.

It might help to see if you can find out what people's perceptions are of you. For me, I fit the 'geek' stereotype - great at computers with rubbish with people. People accept that I'm not conversational, that I get straight to the point, because they know they can rely on me for good technical results. I have a reputation in my area for solving complex problems that no-one else can - I even get people from other teams coming to me for help. When someone gets stuck with something they just can't solve, I think their manager whispers in their ear to come see me. But the key to all this is acceptance. I work for a very large company with a very accepting culture. We have gay pride groups and the like, with posters and events and corporate-wide acknowledgment and support. We have people here with depression, and people don't treat each other differently, it's just accepted. I realise not every workplace is like this.

My manager does take my autism into account now. The year prior to me discovering I have autism, I got no annual bonus and was seen to be "underperforming" because I don't join in in meetings, didn't speak up when other people expected me to, and other social-related things. After I disclosed to my manager, and explained to him what it meant, he suddenly understood and since then I've been seen as greatly overperforming, because management have realised they need to be looking at different "success criteria" that don't include the social stuff. I give real, measurable results which end up making considerable money for the company, or avoids costs by fixing things early. In meetings, he now addresses me before he speaks to me, so I know he's talking to me and I can join in, and he gets considerable benefit from doing that as the team does better with my input and insights. It no longer matters if I don't do small-talk with people, but get straight to the matter in hand. Instead of telling everyone I have autism - which I don't want to do, because I'm not close friends with lots of them and so I don't trust them - I let them think of me as the 'geek' stereotype and they can make up their own minds. Everyone will choose their own perception, and I have no control over that.

I know you don't want to use the autism card as an excuse and to explain to people that they should treat you differently. It's taken me 2.5 years to come to terms with my autism, and I now feel confident in my skin at work. It's my choice who I tell, no-one else's, and I'm happy to be very 'to the point' when communicating with people (this does not mean being rude, it means you just talk about the task), and to do my best at the tasks I'm given. It helps that I'm in a technical environment because there are lots of others here like me.

I like the idea of getting someone in to talk about autism to your whole team, without mentioning you. It's a subtle way of doing it and social convention may force the gossips to think twice if suddenly the whole team comes to their own conclusion that the trainer is describing you, and accepts this.

I drafted a long post and then realised I just seem to be agreeing with itsme. The salient points are that it helped me to tell my management and anyone I consider a close friend at work (people I trust, and know they don't gossip), and that most people don't generally understand what it is, even if you find a good way of explaining to them. You have strengths, and you have weaknesses, so let your management know these, let them help support you, and remember that the people you describe as 'bigotted' probably shouldn't matter too much to you anyway. You don't need to let them in.

I'll include my original post below anyway.

One of the big problems with autism is other people. There can be a perception that people will treat you differently if they know; but also, if they understand what it means, it can mean they suddenly realise and treat you in a better, more supportive way. I'm not talking about 'haters' here, people who gossip and judge, I'm talking about kind people who just lacked the understanding. Other peoples' understanding of autism is probably the key thing here. If you're in a supportive environment, there should be no issue with you "coming out". If you're in a judgemental one, what will you gain by telling them? If they're the type of people who gossip, whisper and judge, they're probably not the type of people who will suddenly relent and treat you much better because of it. The 'bigots' aren't going to learn their lesson just because management told them so, they're going to continue on as they always do.

The other problem is that generally people just don't get what autism is - even after you explain it means you have "social difficulties", and give them some details or a video to watch, they don't fundamentally understand what it means.

There is another option: just tell the people it matters to. For me, this means my manager (where I need support, and so he can get the best out of me), and anyone I trust as a friend. I told my manager I have autism, so he could understand and help support me, and I've told a friend at work, because it felt right to - I knew I could trust him and it wouldn't affect our friendship.

When I discovered I had autism (it took another 2.5 years to get the formal diagnosis), I told both my manager and my team leader, and sent them some links to the NAS website including the "What is autism?" video, to help them understand. My team leader is a very social creature and it took over a year of monthly meetings with him for him to finally grasp what it meant, he just had no concept of it at all. I think he still forgets sometimes too, it's just so alien to him. My manager just accepts this is me, and relies on me to tell him what I need help with, and if I need anything in the workplace changing. I personally have decided there should be some "give and take" in this - I may need something changing, or need someone else in the team to do a particular task that I have no hope of doing (for me, anything to do with organising and scheduling), but in return I take on parts of their tasks that I truly excel at, giving a significantly better outcome, such as problem-solving.

It might help to see if you can find out what people's perceptions are of you. For me, I fit the 'geek' stereotype - great at computers with rubbish with people. People accept that I'm not conversational, that I get straight to the point, because they know they can rely on me for good technical results. I have a reputation in my area for solving complex problems that no-one else can - I even get people from other teams coming to me for help. When someone gets stuck with something they just can't solve, I think their manager whispers in their ear to come see me. But the key to all this is acceptance. I work for a very large company with a very accepting culture. We have gay pride groups and the like, with posters and events and corporate-wide acknowledgment and support. We have people here with depression, and people don't treat each other differently, it's just accepted. I realise not every workplace is like this.

My manager does take my autism into account now. The year prior to me discovering I have autism, I got no annual bonus and was seen to be "underperforming" because I don't join in in meetings, didn't speak up when other people expected me to, and other social-related things. After I disclosed to my manager, and explained to him what it meant, he suddenly understood and since then I've been seen as greatly overperforming, because management have realised they need to be looking at different "success criteria" that don't include the social stuff. I give real, measurable results which end up making considerable money for the company, or avoids costs by fixing things early. In meetings, he now addresses me before he speaks to me, so I know he's talking to me and I can join in, and he gets considerable benefit from doing that as the team does better with my input and insights. It no longer matters if I don't do small-talk with people, but get straight to the matter in hand. Instead of telling everyone I have autism - which I don't want to do, because I'm not close friends with lots of them and so I don't trust them - I let them think of me as the 'geek' stereotype and they can make up their own minds. Everyone will choose their own perception, and I have no control over that.

I know you don't want to use the autism card as an excuse and to explain to people that they should treat you differently. It's taken me 2.5 years to come to terms with my autism, and I now feel confident in my skin at work. It's my choice who I tell, no-one else's, and I'm happy to be very 'to the point' when communicating with people (this does not mean being rude, it means you just talk about the task), and to do my best at the tasks I'm given. It helps that I'm in a technical environment because there are lots of others here like me.

I like the idea of getting someone in to talk about autism to your whole team, without mentioning you. It's a subtle way of doing it and social convention may force the gossips to think twice if suddenly the whole team comes to their own conclusion that the trainer is describing you, and accepts this.