Some Friend

Pleased to have been of help. 

Reading through this thread again, I started to think about how some relatives and friends find it difficult to accept that a person they know is an Aspie / Autie.

I had an experience recently where someone tried to encourage me to go to a social event I had already turned down and didn't want to go to. This person has since opened up more about their own issues and I now think that what I misinterpreted as possible manipulation and a lack of understanding of my problems, was actually genuine encouragement to join in with something because they believed it would help me. Possibly they also weren't sure if they would enjoy it and wanted me to be there to talk to.

I don't actually know what their motivation was, but since learning more about Aspie and NT behaviour, I've started to be able to imagine other scenarios than the conclusion that I immediately jump to, although it may take a while! 

Also it's important to remember that the NT /Aspie traits are not mutually exclusive. Some people would score mid twenties on the AQ test and have some Aspie traits, maybe some mild anxiety issues in certain situations or one or two sensory issues like not liking a lot of noise or having a keen sense of smell. Maybe these people recognise these traits in themselves when they learn about AS and don't want to recognise this, because their NT side fears it.

If you want to discuss your AS issues, feel free to post on here any time.  Discussion helps the learning process. 

I think you've all been very helpful - thank you very much...

I can certainly see your point, Aspergerix, that I am struggling to process it from an emotional perspective. That makes a lot of sense.

And thank you for your words of diplomacy, Pixiefox. That sounds like an acceptable approach to the subject, and I absolutely do get too drawn into an "autism" discussion when I probably shouldn't.

Clovis, your response is pretty much how I felt initially - that she was being completely ignorant to how diificult I can sometimes find it just to "function". I didn't feel I could just dump that sort of response on her, though, as she just wouldn't have got it. It had to be more nuanced for her silly little NT brain  So I came and asked the wise folks here!

Thanks guys, you've made me feel a lot better about it xx 

Normalish said:

My head is mashed!

Argh, my head!  

The problem you may be having with your head may be that you are trying to process your friends remarks rationally, logically, cognitively. You can't. Your friends remarks are emotional, she is making an emotional statement, she is expressing her feelings of displeasure with your behaviour. You cannot compute that, you have to accept it, she feels bad. She is giving you feedback. Its not about who is right and who is wrong, its about feelings and emotions. And you may have difficulty processing emotions , other people's emotions as well as your own. I personally have this problem and I can relate to your comments about your head.

Hi Dan 

NTs use language for other reasons than to convey information in the form of facts. They use it to bully, encourage, cajole, mend hurt feelings, the list goes on. Hierarchy is important to them, as well as feeling part of a group which gives them an identity. Perhaps your friend is having problems with your diagnosis because she subconsciously identifies you as being part of a different group, although she wants to be loyal, so wants you to act more NT. Or maybe she is just trying to help you "fit in" because that is how she views success. Whichever it is she can't help being the way she is and neither can you. 

I would suggest that you tell her that you've been thinking about what she said and you acknowledge that sometimes you can be stubborn and not accept another perspective, and that you'll try to be more diplomatic in future. That will make her feel that you value her judgement. Then I would say that it upset you when she called you a *** and you hope she will be more patient with you in the future and less judgmental. I wouldn't get into discussing autism - if she tries to I would remind her that although you need to be aware of the issues it may cause, it doesn't define you. You are an individual with strengths and weaknesses like everyone else and you hope she will accept that.

The book Paul recommended is very good. 

You can't change but you can learn strategies. I did not intend to come across that you needed to change, I was just to trying to encourage you to accept the shortcomings of a muggle.

Yes, your friend probably needs to back off. They are probably in the mistaken belief you can change. We can't change the way our brains are wired anymore than a leopard can change its spots.

Over the years I've tried to take situations like this on board as a leaning excercise in what upsets 'normal' people so as to at least try to avoid these kinds of situations.

Don't beat yourself up about it.

Have a look at this: www.afieldguidetoearthlings.com/AFGTE_web_p7-30.pdf It might help.

More info at: www.afieldguidetoearthlings.com/

That was the sort of response I feared - though absolutely thank you for your response at all.

I suppose in some way it's encouraging to think that I can change, and learn a different strategy, but god knows I don't want to. In my opinion I already hold my tongue a lot, especially with this particular person! It upsets me to think I must try harder still!

And couldn't an argument be made that this is a suitable example of where we, as a group, should be asking the world around us to understand? To learn, understand and adapt?

That's how I feel, anyway. And I think how I intend to treat the rude person I consider a friend. To my mind, she needs to accept that a lot of the time, I'm simply not able to "let it go" - whereas it is theoretically easier for her to.

Argh, my head!  

Another thought...your friend could actually be trying to help you by pointing out behaviours that others will find difficult to deal with. It will not feel like that though.

We can find some things that muggles will say and do difficult but it goes both ways. We ask them to make allowances and room for us but maybe sometimes we need to do the same for them. My example is asking a woman her age, especially a mature woman. I think "why the hell not?" and "what's that about?" but I know not to because they don't like it. Just because I think (or I actually know) that it should not be a problem does not give me the right to just blurt out "How old are you?" to a woman.

Navigating all of this can be really tiresome I know and I still have a heck of an ability to plant both feet firmly in my mouth but I do it less as I get older. I'm 52 and still learning this stuff by the way.

Paul

Right. I think I understand you.

I also have strong opinions sometimes and will have to bite my tongue as I also learned to understand others have a right to their opinions. I've had to learn that over the years though as behaving like a *** did not go down well at all. Even when 'I knew' I was right.

Thing is I, and probably you, see things as black or white, it's either true or false, right or wrong etc and I know I can get quite heated but I've learned to let these things go...as really it's not worth the stress. Unless there's serious consequences to something it really does not matter what people believe. It took me a long time to get my head around that even though it seems obvious to a muggle.

Paul

Well really, whether I do or don't wasn't the relevant point in the post - it was more the person's appropriateness in saying such a thing.

For the record, though, yes, I do struggle terribly to waver from the belief in my own opinion to be able to understand someone else's, and I'm led to believe that's a typical autistic trait. Which is what I was trying to explain to her. 

I'm not sure that I understand this post.

Are you saying that you do behave like this (because of your autism) or that you don't?