Being ignored by friends

I have two friends (who I assume are neurotypical) and I'm always the one contacting them and trying to organise things to do, it's never the other way round. I've spent a lot of time wondering if I'm too pushy, but I tend to leave it at least a month or so apart before I contact them again, so I don't think I am, and I always try and make messages sound casual. Occasionally I find it frustrating, but overall I've just come to accept that this is the way it is and they are not malicious about it, because when we do talk they do seem genuinely happy to see me.

All the time, it’s like most things I talk about especially if there’s more than one person present is not interesting enough and I don’t get a response. I’ve given up trying and stay quiet unless prompted but even then I’m 5 minutes behind the conversation and embarrass myself by being off topic.

Who needs friends when they make you feel invisible. 

Did you ask them why they’re not answering? As someone who also struggles to reply and text, I just want to give some perspective on why that might be the case.

The first reason is simple. I’m disorganised and very visual. So, I might get a text and think “I’ll get back to it as soon as I’ve got time” but I’ll then forget to to exactly that and after a while it’s just awkward and I don’t know what to answer so I procrastinate. I also tend to forget that people exist if I don’t see them regularly and therefore forget to initiate contact. For instance, my best friend lives quite a bit away from me and I sometimes forget to check in with her for days/weeks at a time. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about her, not at all. In fact, I love and appreciate her deeply. She’s one of the most important people in my life.

Another factor that increases those struggles is poor mental health, stress or just feeling burnt out. During difficult periods of time, I can feel overwhelmed even by small things such as reading, processing and answering to a message. 

It might help to understand the reason behind your friends behaviour. Maybe they’re struggling with their mental health or they might just be disorganised.

This, of course, doesn’t mean that your feelings aren’t valid. It is very understandable why you’re feeling frustrated, rejected, sad or even a bit angry. It’s okay to feel this way, no matter what!

My brother struggled with the same. He could not find himself a partner as well, so he signed for this app - The Cognity. It was very helpful. Now he has a girlfriend. They have a purple logo. I know their waitlist is currently open. My brother had the most amazing results.

First and foremost one must cultivate a true feeling of love and kinship with oneself FIRST. if one does not feel this how can another for them? That would be unfair and pathological bond. Also it leaves one open to the flattering of predators.  

It is going to sounds trite, but, friends really are like plants in our friendship gardens. Some plants need to left alone more than others, some need more water than others. some, indeed will drown or rut if we water them too much.

How I have come to handle this. I write emails. I write a nice long email about all the things that are interesting in my life and  then I edit it down to half the original size. I take the time and energy for them.

If there are friends who just do text I will write the same but in even more edited format for text. again, taking the time and energy for them. I keep things positive and reassuring. there is nothing so good at getting others to run from us as dumping our baggage at their feet. Everyone has their own baggage and that is enough to manage.

Once I've sent these I let it set. leave them alone. let them find me if they feel a resonance and if they don't that is valuable info to know. if 2 months go by I may, just may drop a "hello there.How are you?" just that one line. know when to stop.

Social media is to be avoided if one wishes to have real friends. people on social are NOT our friends. Until youve made a personal connection it is just social media. _STEP AWAY FROM THE 'LIKES'_

More importantly - find real people in the real world and look at them and interact with them. this is a skill that need to be relearned by many people. It is the real, live people in our world that will be the ones saving us from ourselves in the end. Cultivate real friends and water that garden!

I can relate to that fully, I was ALWAYS the one that was reaching out first, this was way before my recent autism diagnosis which I got on the 13th August 2024.

I have ZERO friends in Scotland, tell a lie, I have 2 but they are English and live in a wee village not far from Callander, my other friends are English and from Bristol and Bath.

We mostly speak on social media but, we have spent time together, this weekend I will be seeing my friend and his wife both from Bristol, as they are coming to Scotland and everytime they come to Scotland, they always invite me up so we can spend some time.

My other friend lives in Bath and I've known him via a trash metal band that he was a founding member of, it is a World wide known band, they have done numerous tours around the World and we've been good friends for 13 years, he and his wife attended my 50th Birthday party last September, he actually turned down a gig when they were asked to perform in the same city as my party.

He felt that being invited to my party was more important than doing a gig, that is what you call a true friend, we did get "guest listed" for the gig, most of the other bands were surprised to see them there and most said to him "Thought you turned down this gig" and he pointed at me and said "I was up for his 50th and will be spending the entire weekend in Scotland". Never had so many Birthday pints given to me that night.

They now know of my Autism and believe it or not, they all delighted for me as they feel that I now have answers and whilst they are correct, I've lost 48 years of my life as I was struggling all those years not knowing and why I couldn't cope.

This group I find are very supportive, so I will say, don't lose hope, if they want to be your friend then they will be, I'm very lucky, albeit it's more on Messenger than face to face but that is what makes it great, less stress of having to meet every week or something like that and let me tell you, I love it.

You will "learn" to take a step back, I had to myself, it was the only way to see who was interested in communicating with me, it's hard not to reach out first but you will eventually overcome that itch as I called it.

I kind of feel like Sheldon Cooper, 5 friend is enough, 6 is doable but more than 6, it's too much.

I wish you strength and good luck.

When I had friends I was ignored by them.  I think part of the problem is Autists clinginess and desperate need for friendships to mean everything.  Your average NT doesn't see friendship that way.

I am in a similar boat as you, and understand how much it hurts. One friend I have known for 20+ years, and who I thought was my best friend, but over the years realised not. 95% of contact is initiated by me and she used to take about a day to reply. But lately it's been a few days up to a week. I'm not messaging her constantly, just maybe once a week to say hi. I feel the same way as you, a response doesn't take 30 seconds. The double-whammy is she replies almost immediately to other people in our shared group chats. I don't get it  but blame myself because I'm not NT so social issues are usually my fault xx

I have a few times cut everyone from my phone contact list and only added those who actually wanted to text or ring me if they actually text or rang me. I ended up with one offline friend and my Mum and one online friend. My phone actually has more numbers associated with the 02 mobile network than people!

It is hard to spot. But sometimes I have had friend requests from people who have never ever posted, and are still just NASnumber with no picture.

You can check their points/activity by clicking on their profile,

I am more cautious still and like to see several posts from them and get a feel for what they are like and what their values are.

I don't think that you need to say any of this on your profile, though (just my opinion!)

SpikeyMark said:

robot or fishing accounts

What are the signs of robot or fishing accounts? 

SpikeyMark said:

never give away private information unless you are sure they are real and ok.

I'll make it clear on my profile. 

My advice for friends on here is to see if they have been around here and don't connect until you get a feel for what they are like from other messages. Don't dive in with a new person straight away to avoid the robot or fishing accounts. And never give away private information unless you are sure they are real and ok.

That sounds like the story of my life! It used to upset me quite a lot. I've got more used to it now, after many decades.

On reflection, and speaking only for myself, there are a couple of things which may explain what goes on for me.

1) I don't provide people with the usual social cues which indicate "friendliness" so that I don't fit the definition of a friend as it is often understood by neurotypical people. Many, or maybe most, people in my experience look for a crowd they can go out with, have drinks, banter, gossip... That'll never really be me. If I do try to join that group I'll always be on the periphery. That's not through choice, but it may seem like that to others. So, I don't register as someone who is "friendly" and open to friendship. My definition is very different. I guess I see a friend as an individual I can share interests with and communicate with one to one. I think that's quite rare for "them" as well as for "us". But, they have at least these two levels of friendship (it seems to me), while I really only have one.

2) Partly because of that, I have often been socially isolated. This was particularly true during my 20s when I didn't really have any established friendships at all. It takes me an age to get to know someone, and probably still longer for them to really know me. I think this isolation has meant that I have been desperate for friendship at times, and I think people may get the idea that I am "latching on" to them. I think that can be as off-putting as being distant. Again, thinking of the two levels of friendship, I only have one that
 I can offer, so that the friendship can mean more to me than it does to them.

Now, as I said, this used to upset me a lot. I realise now that it's probably inevitable because of my difference. I'm lucky now to have just a handful of friends who know me unmasked and who do not reject me for my difference.

Anyway, finally, for me I've come to realise that people want different things out of friendship. Mostly their ideas don't coincide with mine. There have been SO MANY misunderstandings along the way, which I understand now, because it's different for them.

I'm reluctant to give advice in case it's taken the wrong way, but I would suggest that you don't exactly give up, but don't expect too much from friends who perhaps don't see you as you would have them see you. It's OK to have different categories of "friend" - those who don't respond much, and those who do (probably very few). Some of the friends in the first category may eventually disappear from my life, but I just have to be OK with that; it's their right not to engage. Some may eventually get to know me better, and become more responsive to me.

Far too many words from me! And apologies if I am "wide of the mark".

Ive got a scatty friend who moved back to my town. The problem is that she wants to meet me all the time and said let's meet up and go for a walk. Promised to text me, but never did. One year i was out most of the day and scatty friend decided to knock on my door to see if I was in. Family member tried to explain that I was out most of the day. 

Had a massive clear out out of my phone contacts. I may write a message saying ive restricted myself to give out my number to people. Please can you delete my number? Is thsa

 ok to write?

2006-2022 I was on Facebook and decided to delete my account (got out of control and had problems); approximately 2023 I'd started again and restricted myself (maybe maximum of 5 people); I try not to accept local people.

When I first joined the community forum, members vanishes after a few messages, asking for my Facebook/Instagram etc. Had to start again on multiple times. 

Snail mail postage has gone up and my previous one vanished. Oh wish didn't do this in the first place. Polite way to send a letter saying can't be in touch anymore.

From the NHS website:

Do not rely on technology or social media alone to build relationships. It's easy to get into the habit of only ever texting, messaging or emailing people.

 penguin 

It seems so many of us neurodivergent folk are being ignored by friends. It's either we are thinking too deeply into it or they truly are choosing to not speak with us. I feel like such a burden for needing reassurance from my friends.

Are you sure you are not me? Seems the story of my life!  

Does it not make you feel sad to have to cut certain people out of your life? This friend has been in my life since high school. I need to find a way with being okay no longer speaking to them, and just being happy whenever we do manage to speak.

I had the same thing with most of the friends I've had over my lifetime, and family members too. I don't bother with anyone who doesn't bother with me now.

It must be a gut punch if it seems that someone's ignoring your messages but still posting on social media. I've had that before - sometimes it can be an object permanence thing but communication is really important with that.

In an ideal world, your friends would be understanding of the fact that you may tend to worry with things like this.

I'm sorry you're also in this situation but your perspective has definitely given me something to think about so thank you for that. I wouldn't know how to start making friends on here.. Maybe if I make a new post with my age and interests?