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Being ignored by friends

Freckles

Does anybody else feel completely ignored by their friends? I have certain friends that never reach out to me first, it will always be me who has to start the conversations. Whilst I do understand that the majority of people I speak to are neurotypical and have busy work lives I feel that if they truly wanted to be my friend they would try and connect? One friend in particular tends to very rarely post on social media or message people so I tend to try sending messages when they've recently posted things as I know they'll be on their phone, but it can go days or even weeks before I'll even get a response. 
It breaks my heart because it takes two minutes to check in with someone and say hi or to let them know you can't talk right now, and this friend is someone I have known for at least 8 years and they were my best friend in high school. Now I have an odd thing with relationships, I know I can be overwhelming and honestly I feel entitled to be responded to but I've worked on that and rarely message them anymore. I don't push people to respond to me but I really really struggle internally when they don't. 
I don't work myself due to extreme social phobia and mutism, so I think it's hard for me to understand their point of view about being busy. Do I give up on the friendship? Do I try and salvage it? I think it's worth noting that I have told them multiple times how I feel about them not responding and they've apologised and said they will try and be better with it but then there is just no change?

Parents

  • That sounds like the story of my life! It used to upset me quite a lot. I've got more used to it now, after many decades.

    On reflection, and speaking only for myself, there are a couple of things which may explain what goes on for me.

    1) I don't provide people with the usual social cues which indicate "friendliness" so that I don't fit the definition of a friend as it is often understood by neurotypical people. Many, or maybe most, people in my experience look for a crowd they can go out with, have drinks, banter, gossip... That'll never really be me. If I do try to join that group I'll always be on the periphery. That's not through choice, but it may seem like that to others. So, I don't register as someone who is "friendly" and open to friendship. My definition is very different. I guess I see a friend as an individual I can share interests with and communicate with one to one. I think that's quite rare for "them" as well as for "us". But, they have at least these two levels of friendship (it seems to me), while I really only have one.

    2) Partly because of that, I have often been socially isolated. This was particularly true during my 20s when I didn't really have any established friendships at all. It takes me an age to get to know someone, and probably still longer for them to really know me. I think this isolation has meant that I have been desperate for friendship at times, and I think people may get the idea that I am "latching on" to them. I think that can be as off-putting as being distant. Again, thinking of the two levels of friendship, I only have one that
     I can offer, so that the friendship can mean more to me than it does to them.

    Now, as I said, this used to upset me a lot. I realise now that it's probably inevitable because of my difference. I'm lucky now to have just a handful of friends who know me unmasked and who do not reject me for my difference.

    Anyway, finally, for me I've come to realise that people want different things out of friendship. Mostly their ideas don't coincide with mine. There have been SO MANY misunderstandings along the way, which I understand now, because it's different for them.

    I'm reluctant to give advice in case it's taken the wrong way, but I would suggest that you don't exactly give up, but don't expect too much from friends who perhaps don't see you as you would have them see you. It's OK to have different categories of "friend" - those who don't respond much, and those who do (probably very few). Some of the friends in the first category may eventually disappear from my life, but I just have to be OK with that; it's their right not to engage. Some may eventually get to know me better, and become more responsive to me.

    Far too many words from me! And apologies if I am "wide of the mark".

Reply

  • That sounds like the story of my life! It used to upset me quite a lot. I've got more used to it now, after many decades.

    On reflection, and speaking only for myself, there are a couple of things which may explain what goes on for me.

    1) I don't provide people with the usual social cues which indicate "friendliness" so that I don't fit the definition of a friend as it is often understood by neurotypical people. Many, or maybe most, people in my experience look for a crowd they can go out with, have drinks, banter, gossip... That'll never really be me. If I do try to join that group I'll always be on the periphery. That's not through choice, but it may seem like that to others. So, I don't register as someone who is "friendly" and open to friendship. My definition is very different. I guess I see a friend as an individual I can share interests with and communicate with one to one. I think that's quite rare for "them" as well as for "us". But, they have at least these two levels of friendship (it seems to me), while I really only have one.

    2) Partly because of that, I have often been socially isolated. This was particularly true during my 20s when I didn't really have any established friendships at all. It takes me an age to get to know someone, and probably still longer for them to really know me. I think this isolation has meant that I have been desperate for friendship at times, and I think people may get the idea that I am "latching on" to them. I think that can be as off-putting as being distant. Again, thinking of the two levels of friendship, I only have one that
     I can offer, so that the friendship can mean more to me than it does to them.

    Now, as I said, this used to upset me a lot. I realise now that it's probably inevitable because of my difference. I'm lucky now to have just a handful of friends who know me unmasked and who do not reject me for my difference.

    Anyway, finally, for me I've come to realise that people want different things out of friendship. Mostly their ideas don't coincide with mine. There have been SO MANY misunderstandings along the way, which I understand now, because it's different for them.

    I'm reluctant to give advice in case it's taken the wrong way, but I would suggest that you don't exactly give up, but don't expect too much from friends who perhaps don't see you as you would have them see you. It's OK to have different categories of "friend" - those who don't respond much, and those who do (probably very few). Some of the friends in the first category may eventually disappear from my life, but I just have to be OK with that; it's their right not to engage. Some may eventually get to know me better, and become more responsive to me.

    Far too many words from me! And apologies if I am "wide of the mark".

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