How challenging is small talk for you?

I know, ridiculous. While being treated for cancer, I was continually told by doctors that I looked so well. Yeah, on the outside only. I once had a comment that I looked "very lively for a cancer patient". 

Yeah, I can never 'read the room'. I don't know which topic to bring up a I'm afraid they may be inappropriate.

I know that feeling. Even with the two friends who’ve stayed the course with me longest, I can sense when we meet over a meal their slight irritation when I try to replicate their more naturally innate ability to initiate a new topic in the conversation. Somehow I nearly always mistime it or choose something not quite right, or that covers ground already felt adequately mined, etc. I tend to get talked over in those moments too by a simultaneous question that invariably becomes the dominant one. And, pathetically, I usually feel relief not annoyance about it - as it feels like I was saved from myself. 

Very, I find myself asking prescribed questions and then the chat seems to fizzle out.

I get annoyed with the "How are you?" from the doctor too, particularly when I was really depressed and they could see that from my demeanour.

Like others mentioned, I follow a script in my head. Being asked how I am is pointless. I have numerous health problems but I don't have energy to discuss them and the person just wants me to say "I'm fine, thank you. How are you?" My favourite is seeing a doctor and he/she asks how I am. Obviously I'm not well, otherwise I wouldn't be there. Perhaps asking "what's causing you problems?" would be better.

Small talk makes me go into comedy improv. I seem to say funny things. Strangers would describe me as bubbly and friendly, which doesn't match my real self underneath the masking.

However, I have verbal communication problems, stumbling over my words and concepts, not being able to comprehend lengthy verbal communication, forgetting what's said to me, losing the ability to focus, becoming bored, interrupting people to get my verbal contribution out. I also easily go out of synch and lose the rhythm of conversations - the other person and I speaking at the same time, especially on the phone when I can't see visual cues. I have lost so-called "friends" because I wouldn't ring them or want to talk if they rang me. I asked 2 of them to do WhatsApp or email and they eventually completely stopped contacting me.

When I went out to meet friends I preferred meeting just one to one. The chatter of groups is too difficult and I couldn't figure out how or why I should join in the conversation. 

At home, I can go into a monologue and go on for ages, getting annoyed if my boyfriend tries to speak. I now recognise this and try to stop myself - or at least come up for air.

That reminds me of a work colleague I had. He'd ask me how my weekend was. I'd say it was good (with no further info). Others would describe the boring details of their weekend, but not me. After the second time this happened, he stopped asking me. Problem solved!

Thank you for writing about hating dishonesty. You made me realise the cause of some of my communication behaviour (I'm a newly realised Autistic person). I have had meltdowns when people have obviously lied to me. Plus, it does indeed anger me if the person thinks I'm stupid enough to believe it.

I just saw what you wrote and you captured exactly how I feel. Thank you.

i'm so bad at small talk/general conversations, i'm always on edge and i feel like i need to perform/try my best to fit in even though i am struggling with the convo to begin with. it's very frustrating.

Your utopian aspirations are laudable....but in my experience...rarely meet with success.  It would be nice to navigate to common ground with other humans (or at least be able to discuss uncommon ground without undue tensions) but I note an increasing inability, or unwillingness to do so - irrespective of one's chosen or assigned designation as NT or ND.  This is saddening to me.

Today, the best conversations I have had are with animals who "talk" with such honesty, acceptance and clarity that it restores my faith in the world of sentience.

Number.

Maybe we should say what we are thinking. After all, we are free to express ourselves our way. It's our planet too - we all belong here! It's not like we have to conform to some "approved means of communication" known as chit-chat. Perhaps we should tell people, in a nice way of course, that we prefer talking about things we find meaningful. Perhaps then we could ask what they find menaingful and have a proper conversation which could lead to friendship. Maybe this would be a nice way to steer the person onto common ground, rather than talking about how bad the traffic was and how long it took to get through the lights.

Small talk was difficult for me anyway but since realizing i'm autistic i seem to have unconsciously given up trying. Fortunately i don't see that many people (just my parents and CPN this week) so it's not a major issue 

Hard really hard. I'm a PA and at work last Friday I had Raine in with me. I prayed she wouldn't make small talk but she did, disaster from the start for me.

She starts talking and then stops and says are you okay because I look in pain. Literally just me trying to think and process what she's saying and what I need to say and how I need to react. 

Thankfully I'm back on my own in the office again. 

NAS81850 said:

I now have little to no desire for small talk. In that sense it isn't challenging per se, it is challenging to muster the desire.

Nicely expressed - and exactly how I feel.

I used to like being chatted to because I enjoyed sharing my perspective, but probably due to a bit of learned helplessness following the autism spectrum diagnosis, there are a lot fewer people who I small talk comfortably with. Even those who I feel comfortable to small talk with, I frequently reel the topic back to the practical matter at hand, as practical stuff is a lot more interesting than generating irrelevant subject matters to talk about with the other person, presumably as a fun tangent to go on. I think that causes awkward pauses in my conversations due to the other person being taken aback by the sharp direction changes to bring the topic around to something I'm comfortable with. Whilst I do see the plus side in that hardly anybody talks to me now, I do kind of miss when I was more outgoing and believed in myself more. I now have little to no desire for small talk. In that sense it isn't challenging per se, it is challenging to muster the desire. And the challenge comes from beating myself up that I must come across as insular and rude. Depends how lonely and appreciative of others' company I feel, according to how much I engage in small talk. But I CBA with the 'what did you get up to on the weekend' stuff.

Really hard & I don't do it, if I try, I'll tie myself up in all sorts of knots & 'run away' - my term for 'I'll get my coat'.

If a small talk conversation starts lasting more than 10 seconds, I know I'm going to fall over, that in itself makes it worse, so I try & leave the best way I can.

I do like a beer & when I pop to my local, there's quite a few in there, most I know, I'll still grab my beer (maybe after saying hello, how are you etc) & go sit outside on my own.

Don't think so. But I've certainly heard it's a country that doesn't really do small talk. 

I'm not a talker. Small talk or even long talk are beyond me. Both cause me a great deal of stress and unnecessary fatigue. I much more prefer being alone and watching Doctor Who - and let's be honest, any sane man, or woman, would be the same

Nexus11 said:

the 'best' place for a non small talk zone is Finland

Finland keeps popping up?!  Askimet ?