How challenging is small talk for you?

I think people might describe me as being well-mannered. Though I try to be, it's not the flattering opinion it might seem but, instead, testament to my restricted behaviour in company - I have to follow conversational conventions, and politeness is such a convention. 

If someone asks "How are you?", then I can answer briefly or (far too) extensively; both might be viewed as autistic habits. None of this means I'm at ease in conversations, as cues and subtleties don't always make their presences felt. Most importantly, I have to remind myself to ask "And how are you?" in return; not because I don't care but because *making the conversational transition is a hard, slow process for me and doesn't spring to my mind immediately*. And all the while I'm conscious that mine is a limited life, one which limits fluent and interesting conversation. 

How difficult or easy do you find small talk and general conversation?

Parents
  • Small talk is one of the hardest things I try to navigate, it’s absolutely draining, I can script most of it and have learnt by watching others how to act. If I’ve been out with my wife and have to chat with anyone, I will normally not be able to talk for the rest of the night. We went to the village pub on Friday early evening, a person of about my age has started chatting over the last few weeks. I came out with, “ I’m quite happy to talk to you and that’s all, I don’t want you coming to my house for dinner.” No point in giving someone expectations I can’t keep up with. Chris Packham explained well with Flo, the whole, “ hi how are you?” It’s a dance I find is pointless, I sometimes think to myself, “Do you really want to know what’s going on in my head at the moment? I think not. Sorry not feeling good today.

  • It’s a dance I find is pointless

    I find it incredibly difficult to lie but I am aware of social conventions, so I have adapted my definition of certain responses to fit social norms. For example, fine: I have my health, food and a bed - my head is currently a whirlwind of various stresses that I couldn't make you understand even if either of us wanted that. So I'm fine, the answer to your question is I'm fine.

    However, it does still annoy me that an honest answer is not wanted, why ask if you don't want to know? Makes no sense to me...

  • I wonder if autistic people do just prefer straight honest talk. What I find is, I’m trying to answer, anxiety starts and words are piling up in my head, the words I want can’t get to the front, I then freeze and it can look like I’ve been switched off for a short while. As someone else said, if it’s someone I’ve met before I remember their children’s names or normally with men, the are you busy at work?

  • Thank you for writing about hating dishonesty. You made me realise the cause of some of my communication behaviour (I'm a newly realised Autistic person). I have had meltdowns when people have obviously lied to me. Plus, it does indeed anger me if the person thinks I'm stupid enough to believe it.

  • Follow away! I have been known to set an example, but there are all sorts of risks involved in being me so on your head be it! Joy

    I'm sorry your estate agent is being a pain, I tend to imagine how horrible people's lives must be if they feel like it's necessary to treat others so badly. And then I end up feeling sorry for them because I'm an idiot Grin

  • I'm 36. I believe age is beginning to do things to me hehehe

  • Or I remmeber something quite innocuous that they told me in passing. But then it seems a bit weird to bring it up, and experience has told me exactly that. Maybe because other people wouldn't remember ithese sorts of things. You have to judge it carefully haha

  • Ha, is it safe to come out from under the table? You are right, My wife rang our estate agent on Friday, she asked to speak to the relevant person and waited, a few seconds later was told, “lm sorry she’s just gone out.” They only work in one room, why the delay?Do they actually think we are stupid? I get told by them that they have left messages on my phone, my phone seems to show all other missed calls and messages apart from theirs. The agent then starts a conversation, “with due respect,” so basically you are now calling me an ar*e hole. At the end of all this, they expect us to pay them £6,000.  Sorry starting to follow your fine example.  Stuck out tongue winking eye

  • Alice - I remember being/feel like you but I'm in my 50's now - age does things to you!

    May I ask roughly your age?

  • I certainly do. I hate dishonesty with a passion. I see absolutely no benefit to anyone when lies are told (I assume there is a benefit that I don't see lol), it makes life unnecessarily difficult because people are working with false information. Why would anyone want that?

    This loathing has spread to excusing oneself too. If you don't want to do something, tell me. Don't make up some dull excuse that insults my intelligence and lessens both my respect for and trust in you.

    Dishonesty in all its forms feels like gaslighting to me, and I shutdown immediately. I just don't have time for it.

    *Sorry Flushed Rant over now, I promise hehe

Reply
  • I certainly do. I hate dishonesty with a passion. I see absolutely no benefit to anyone when lies are told (I assume there is a benefit that I don't see lol), it makes life unnecessarily difficult because people are working with false information. Why would anyone want that?

    This loathing has spread to excusing oneself too. If you don't want to do something, tell me. Don't make up some dull excuse that insults my intelligence and lessens both my respect for and trust in you.

    Dishonesty in all its forms feels like gaslighting to me, and I shutdown immediately. I just don't have time for it.

    *Sorry Flushed Rant over now, I promise hehe

Children
  • Thank you for writing about hating dishonesty. You made me realise the cause of some of my communication behaviour (I'm a newly realised Autistic person). I have had meltdowns when people have obviously lied to me. Plus, it does indeed anger me if the person thinks I'm stupid enough to believe it.

  • Follow away! I have been known to set an example, but there are all sorts of risks involved in being me so on your head be it! Joy

    I'm sorry your estate agent is being a pain, I tend to imagine how horrible people's lives must be if they feel like it's necessary to treat others so badly. And then I end up feeling sorry for them because I'm an idiot Grin

  • I'm 36. I believe age is beginning to do things to me hehehe

  • Ha, is it safe to come out from under the table? You are right, My wife rang our estate agent on Friday, she asked to speak to the relevant person and waited, a few seconds later was told, “lm sorry she’s just gone out.” They only work in one room, why the delay?Do they actually think we are stupid? I get told by them that they have left messages on my phone, my phone seems to show all other missed calls and messages apart from theirs. The agent then starts a conversation, “with due respect,” so basically you are now calling me an ar*e hole. At the end of all this, they expect us to pay them £6,000.  Sorry starting to follow your fine example.  Stuck out tongue winking eye

  • Alice - I remember being/feel like you but I'm in my 50's now - age does things to you!

    May I ask roughly your age?