Feeling like a failure

I’ve had a difficult few months and recently I’ve felt like such a failure. I’ve been thinking about my life and all the struggles I’ve had just to cope with normal life - stuff that so many other people seem to breeze through and cope really well with - and I’ve just had this awful overwhelming feeling today of feeling like such a failure. I know now that much of my struggle with day to day life is due to me being autistic (and also my childhood with parents who were very flawed and emotionally distant) and most of the time I try to be positive. But these last couple of weeks I’ve found myself experiencing a lot of self hatred and feeling like such a failure.

I realise this sounds like self pity - and maybe it is! I don’t want to be thinking like this and I know it’s self destructive. 
But how do other autistic people come to terms with the fact that they’ve spent their lives struggling so much with day to day life, and living with a lot of anxiety etc? When I was younger I think I felt better about myself - I enjoyed being different and unique. But now I find myself looking at other people who have had more conventionally ‘successful’ lives and friendships and feeling like a failure in comparison. I think being autistic has made life very difficult for me. 

How do other people come to terms with being accepting of these sorts of thoughts and feelings? And how do you keep positive about the way being autistic has impacted on your ability to really engage with life and achieve things? 

I want to be more positive but am struggling today. Does anyone else sometimes feel this way? And how do you deal with it? 

  • Thank you out_of_step - I really appreciate that. I have a very difficult week ahead for a couple of reasons. If I can get through next week unscathed I think I will hopefully turn a corner. It is sad that my son feels that way - and I can see why. There really SHOULD be good and prompt help for people who need it - there’s no reason why that shouldn’t be available to people. In a good society that should be a given - but it isn’t. Autistic people (and a lot of people with disabilities) are often left to ‘sink or swim’ - when they should (if they need them) be given arm bands, or life-rafts, or even really lovely sailing boats that they can have fun in! 
    Things really could be better, society could be kinder, schools could do better, mental health services could be properly funded and have specialist services for autistic people. 

    sorry - bit of a rant! I just wish there was more support for those that need it. I’ve had a lifetime of trying to cope - I hit a wall this year (and not for the first time) and the help just isn’t there. I’m expected to wait eleven months for CBT and have been told that because my situation is more serious I need more support and that ‘more support’ has a longer waiting list! So the more in crisis you are, the longer you wait - that’s mad.

    Anyway. It won’t change anytime soon with this Government. I’m not even sure that a Labour Government with Starmer would be much better (though would probably be a bit better). What we need is a profound transformation - and I don’t see anyone is going to provide that anytime soon 

    So get swimming. 

  • Oh Jenny! You have bought tears to my eyes! I recognise every word you say! Your Oyster metaphor is just so appropriate - it’s the most wonderful way to describe it. 

    The term ‘unhelpful help’ - that is EXACTLY what my son has had from school etc all through his life. As a result he’s often felt like such a failure, and been left feeling so hopeless about his future. I really think this inadequate ‘help’ did much more harm than good. 

    And the Ugly Duckling? Gosh. That’s so interesting. You give me so much food for thought. 
    I think you ARE a Swan Jenny

    And as well as finding pearls - you are gifting them to others Pray

  • I don't know how to help but maybe break the overwhelming things up into chunks or speak to your partner about them to get some perspective. Make sure you build time to decompress afterwards.

    It's hard to hear your son say that but I do think he's right. I've learned that there's only yourself who can help yourself, no one else can do it for you. That's not to say professionals can't play a helping hand, but I know you've said you are waiting for that.

  • I need to return the thank you because, although I'm quite often just swinging by and don't comment, I definitely appreciate your posts.  And the contributions of the group often help to lift my spirits too.

    I’m always astonished on here at the degree of self awareness people have about their place in this world as an autistic person, and the way we have to work so hard to navigate the world on a day to day basis. And also how imaginative autistic people have to be to find ways to cope. I’ve had MUCH a better advice and support on here than I’ve ever from the many books I’ve read about autism or anxiety, or from any Doctor or Education professional. 

    And yes, I am very often astonished too, having been badly led down by a whole host of "experts", especially those in mental health services who failed to recognise autism at all.  And their "unhelpful help" is my idea of a significant failure because so many of those turning to services are autistic people who've been bashed about by life and basically measured by non autistic standards then "helped" in their one-size-fits-all, non autistic ways of helping.  Their ideas of success, recovery or rehabilitation never helped me much because I would always still be left with the feeling that I was somehow defective and falling short of the various goals or outcomes discussed.  And life just didn't become any easier.  In other words, I still felt as though I was being assisted in my misguided efforts to fit in and become a successful neurotypical person when that was basically an impossible task for me!  As I might have mentioned before, the Hans Christian Anderson tale of the Ugly Duckling resonates strongly with me because I suspect that, in the right environment with the right support, we may very well turn out to be swans!

    I think that, as an autistic community, we are our own best advocates because we come from a position of understanding and empathy.  And these qualities have often been honed by our difficulties.  We are a bit like the unfortunate oyster creating a pearl (from which it individually can't benefit) under the pressure of having to cope with a piece of grit thrown in by its watery environment, with the notable difference that we can and do benefit.  So I sort of come here fishing for pearls.  :)                   

  • Oh Jenny - what a reply! It is filled with wisdom, compassion and kindness! I am so moved by what you’ve written here - you’ve expressed it so brilliantly, so eloquently. You should write a book! (Maybe you have!). It definitely does all ‘ring true’ - thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experience. Pray

    I’m always astonished on here at the degree of self awareness people have about their place in this world as an autistic person, and the way we have to work so hard to navigate the world on a day to day basis. And also how imaginative autistic people have to be to find ways to cope. I’ve had MUCH a better advice and support on here than I’ve ever from the many books I’ve read about autism or anxiety, or from any Doctor or Education professional. 


    You are so right about the impact of being tired. I feel I am always tired at the moment - from the moment I wake up I am tired. The Nietzsche quote is brilliant - thanks for including it - it’s exactly what my head is doing right now. I will check out the YouTube people you mention too. This is all so helpful Jenny! 
    The poem is wonderful (I studied DH Lawrence at A level). It’s a great poem - and I agree with him. 

    You refer to your other ‘desperate posts’ - I’m sorry you are sometimes feeling this way too. If it’s any comfort I think everyone’s posts on here - and perhaps especially the more desperate ones - are part of a wonderful support network that I think is genuinely quite extraordinary. The people in this community are doing something very special (in my humble opinion!) - they are helping to banish the loneliness and isolation that so often comes along with being autistic. That is no small achievement. When my youngest son was at school - struggling so much with isolation and loneliness - I could never understand why more people didn’t reach out to him and try to gently include him. He really wanted to connect with people but found it almost impossible to take steps toward that himself. 
    On here there is no shortage of the most friendly, kind, supportive and comforting support - all through the day, everyday. It’s wonderful - and everyone in this community deserves credit for creating this wonderful environment that every autistic person can turn to - for help, for company, or just to have a chat. It’s so special. 


    Thank you Jenny! I’ve found your words so moving and encouraging- you have really helped me. 

    You are a very wise woman :) 

  • I've got to admit to having similar feelings at times, and especially after a run of difficulties compounding it all.  But then underneath that I'm also very attached to being me, leastways when I feel I'm safe enough to be genuinely myself.  

    So I'm wondering about the various "conditions of worth" that are routinely placed upon us, via parental figures, educators, employers and yes, our culture as a whole, which often seems to judge people through a very narrow lens of economic productivity and fairly stereotypical ideas about "success".  We internalise all of this and then, I find, even collude with the subtle and not-so-subtle oppression which makes us feel "less than".  I do it myself on a regular basis.  Indeed, I think I've been programmed by all of the above influences to do that.

    In order to find a place of calm and self acceptance, I regularly need to sit with this for a while, allowing all the external stuff to subside or using a cognitive therapy approach to target and dismantle some of it.  It has deep roots so it's something I come back to every so often.  I need reminding.

    Once, while I was watching some YouTube videos by Emily and Amelia Nagoski on the subject of burnout one statement leapt out - "The game is rigged"!  Yes, it is!  And it's not my fault, it's not yours, and it's not that of our autistic community.  We're a minority, experiencing minority stress and we didn't create the game, although we're inevitably made aware of its relentless standards and the conventional path through life that goes with it. 

    I"m not sure whether any of this rings true or feels helpful.  I'm all too familiar with the struggles, as you'll see from my other, often desperate posts.  But I just wanted to emphasise that this "failure" can masquerade as an individual one whereas in reality we have lots of strengths and skills that are either devalued by society or not allowed to flourish more visibly because we seem to be "off the beaten track".

    In terms of living our lives, this is enormously difficult, we get tired and, when we're tired, the cultural standards that are all around us and even within us, come back to clobber us when we're least able to cope.  I may be getting too philosophical here but I like the quote from Nietzsche, ""When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago". And I think we get tired a LOT.  

    I think and hope, especially in the light of other responses here, that you know how many strengths and positive qualities radiate out from you, whenever you speak in these forums and no doubt in your life generally.  It does feel very much as though more is asked from us just to get by, but the development of such qualities and character is, I believe, what life is really all about and the true measure of "success".

    Can I push the boat out and add a little poem?  Again, it's another little touchstone to which I occasionally return to combat the programming.

    Success, D H Lawrence

    Success is a played out game, success, success!
    Because what have you got when youve got it?

    The young aren't vitally interested in it any more.
    Only third rate swabs are pushing to get on,
    nowadays.

    Getting the better of other people!  Who cares?-
    Getting the better of them!  Which better, what better, anyhow?

    Our poor old daddies got on,
    And then could never get off again.

    If only we could make life a bit more just
    so that we could all get along gaily
    instead of getting on and not being able to get off again. 

  • Thank you Ann - your very kind words mean so much to me - truly. 
    I can relate to what you say here. 
    I think many autistic people have a particular ability - such as being strong academically (for me it was drawing and painting) - and they can build their self esteem by being really really good at something - which makes their other struggles due to being autistic less troubling. At school I was always know as the girl who was really ‘good at art’ and I built my self esteem on that one ability, But I’m not great at so many aspects of normal life - and that seems to bother me more and more as I get older. When I was young I was more content to be different, and a bit ‘weird’ - I think I was proud of it really. Now I just feel a bit useless much of the time! And very tired! 
    Inagree with you that confidence is powerful - I think it can get people a very long way - and people are attracted to confident people. To be honest I have always liked shy people! 
    I think your idea about ticking off even small achievements on a list is a great idea. I’m going to try that. 

    I really appreciate your friendship and support Ann - it really does help. I know you’re going through so much yourself at the moment so it’s so lovely of you to to be so thoughtful and kind -  to me and to others on here too.

    It makes such a difference to come on here and realise that we are not alone, and that others are experiencing similar challenges. It’s wonderful and such a comfort. x 

  • Hi Kate, I can relate to so much of what you say- I feel like a huge failure myself at the moment and I am currently not really dealing so well with these feelings. It's a vicious cycle for me- I feel like a failure, I loose confidence in myself, which sets me up for 'more failure' and it also puts me in a negative mindset where everything looks like a failure, mistakes/glitches seem magnified and little successes are ignored. When I was a child, I was proud of being different, but this passed quite soon as I grew older and as the differences between me and my peers became more and more apparent. I have long suffered from low self-esteem but I used to have this firm belief that I could do anything if only I tried hard enough and I think this actually helped me a lot at the time: I had confidence in myself and I was confident that I could do things and achieve things if I worked for it- it was a positive feedback cycle back then where I would achieve something (usually academically), which made me more confident so that I could do even better for the next goal etc. Unfortunately I lost the belief that I can do anything if only I try hard enough... thanks to a therapist that tried very hard to convince me otherwise... I think she was worried this belief was stopping me from accepting help/ recognising my limitations, but I really regret that I lost this inner confidence. Of course it is true that it is important to recognise our limits (I mean even in my best times I could not have flown to Pluto even if I had tried super hard.... I probably also could not have made friends at my school... ), but I think having confidence in yourself can be so powerful... I just have no idea how to get that confidence back again... but I think it probably helps to try and see the little successes and to break down tasks into tiny pieces to make it easier to see progress and be successful- I worked with todo lists for a while where I even put very simple tasks like 'do laundry', ' take out bins' , ' shower' etc. so that no matter what happened I could always tick off something and feel like at least I achieved something. 

    Also what drags me down I think is comparing myself to my previous self and then getting frustrated and feeling like a failure when I have the impression that I am so much less functional and efficient than previously... this is very unhelpful as circumstances change and we change... also I think with time we might actually forget some of the more negative and difficult aspects of the past, so that we also see our past selves in a more positive light. I also compare myself to others sometimes which also usually results in me feeling like an even worse failure... but I try to tell myself that these comparisons are not useful and also not really possible as there are so many variables and factors that are different for other people... so really it is not possible to compare things at all. But unfortunately I also haven't really found the way yet to remedy my own feelings of failure. 

    I think you are successful in so many ways- You are an extremely kind and caring person. You've raised 2 children and are providing them with a lot of support. You are doing a lot of walking at the moment and you have created a lot of beautiful art. And all this despite the added difficulties of the past year.  And you are also providing so much support and help to other people on this forum. 

  • Thank you - I really appreciate that.

    It’s been a tough year or so (and for all of us in different ways). It’s just got on top of me recently. You know how you can get to the point where you realise that you’ve actually forgotten what it feels like to be relaxed and happy? 
    I’ve got a couple of really stressful things coming up next week and I just feel completely overwhelmed. 

    I want to say to every autistic person on here that they deserve so much credit for all they do to manage the challenges of being autistic in a world that frankly gives them very little help or recognition. In the car today my son said: “one thing I’ve learnt over the past few years is that no one is going to come and help us - we just have to try to help ourselves”. It made me sad to hear him say that but I think he’s right. But what happens when we can’t help ourselves? When we really do need help - who do we turn to? 

  • Yes - I love the way Erigeron grows along the steps and stone walls in Cornwall - it’s gorgeous. The first time I took my children to Cornwall they thought it was so exotic because there were so many Cordyline trees and palm trees - they loved that as they had never been abroad so it was really new for them. And the lovely turquoise sea at Porthcurno too - so nice! 

  • You might have had more to cope with than conventional people and in a different way because you are autistic. This probably means you are far more resilient than you realise. 

    I know, it's really difficult to not be hard on oneself.

  • Sounds a lovely garden Kate. It reminded me of my childhood holidays with my grandparents in Cornwall who had a lovely rockery garden. Thanks

  • Thank you Shardovan - I relate to every word you’ve written here. ‘Effortless conventionality and life progression in other people’ - yes. 
    i think I’m just exhausted that everything is sometimes so damn difficult. Sometimes it’s hard not to blame yourself. Sometimes it can spill over in to self hatred on a bad day. But definitely it chips away at your self esteem. And you write about ‘that’s for them, not me’ - yes, exactly. I realise that I don’t even EXPECT things to go well for me and my youngest son anymore. 
    I know I have to lift myself out of this feeling if I can. I feel so stupid much of the time. Then I start feeling like I’m a bad mother because of my failings…..and it’s just a downward and very sad spiral.

    I know I’ve be done my absolute best, I’ve worked so hard to cope with life and achieve what few things I have. But it’s seems like such a contrast to other peoples lives sometimes. They seem to just know what to DO. 
    And you’re right - there is shame too. 

    I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced breakdowns and dark times. I’ve been there too. Solidarity my friend! 
    I’ve also come out of those too - and felt better eventually. That’s what I’m hoping for now. 


    Your reply has really helped me - thank you so much x

    i hope you’re doing ok at the moment? I’m always here for you if you want to talk. 

    best wishes to you Shardovan x 

  • Same. And I’m very grateful to Kate for raising the question, as I feel So anomalous at times in a way I seemed to care about much less in my more distant past. But there’s embarrassment in that too. Having waded through decades always feeling anxious but also somehow looking at all that effortless conventionality and life progression  in other people with a kind of abstracted ‘that’s for them, not me’ neutral and unquestioned understanding. And then one day(ish) I had a dark epiphany about it all and several breakdowns have followed. I suppose I had smaller ones in the past too, but had a little more (not much) energy to get through with less mental and emotional damage. But that thing of, why haven’t I thought about these comparisons adequately in the past, leaving the world to tilt in its axis now to catch up, and feel shame about being even less functional/normal than I realised. 

  • Thank you Roy - it is so kind of you to send these lovely, supportive words Pray

    I totally agree with what you say : ‘we have had a lifetime of battling on with no or little help, it does leave scars’ - you are so right, that’s exactly how it feels. 

    I’m sorry that you’ve experience this feeling too. I’m so glad that gardening is helping you - I have sometimes found this too. Nature is so soothing and gives a sense of peace in a way few other things do. I find being indoors is a problem for me at the moment - my mind just goes round and round in circles. Getting outside really helps. It’s a shame because being in my home used to feel like such a safe place for me. 

    Thanks again for your reply - it helps massively to speak to people who really understand. 

    I bet you have a beautiful garden! At the moment in my garden all my Erigeron plants are covered in flowers and it’s reminding me of lovely holidays we’ve had in Cornwall. 


    best wishes to you Roy x 

  • Sorry that your feeling low at the moment, I often have thoughts of what if?  I think we beat ourselves up wondering when  younger if  the system would of just caught us falling, would our lives have been different. I know I shudder at some of my life past experiences. I too watch the other people in the world who make it look so easy when all I’m trying to do is just get through another day. I find time totally on my own with nothing stimulating a big help, I have returned to gardening and love the peace. just listening to and answering people is becoming harder, they don’t see how much energy this requires. Remember we aren’t failures, we have had a lifetime of battling on with no or little help, it does leave scars. Really hope you are feeling better soon.

  • Thank you for your very kind and wise words - it really does make a difference Pray
    A storm is a good analogy and it’s helpful to think of it like that. 



  • Sometimes we have no option but to ride the storm and wait for negative thoughts and feelings to pass. It sounds like you've been through a lot, so whilst I know it's easier said than done, try not to be too hard on yourself. It is quite likely that it is the exhaustion of it all taking its toll on you. 

  • Thank you so much Sparkly - I really appreciate that. I like your name by the way :) 

    I’ve been struggling for many months now - but I hope that things will turn around in time. My mental health has been impacted by a severe physical illness that I had last year and I am dealing with PTSD as a result. I think I’m just very exhausted from it all. 

    i so appreciate everyone’s kindness on here - it means so much. 

  • For what it's worth, I definitely don't think you're a failure Kate. However, I can relate to what you have stated in your post. Instead of focusing on our strengths, I think we can sometimes get stuck in a negative loop of focusing on things we may struggle with (or believe we struggle with) and comparing ourselves with other people who we perceive to be more 'successful'.

    When I find myself stuck in that negative loop, I try to remind myself that tomorrow is a new day and cross my fingers that I'll be in a more positive frame of mind.

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