Feeling like a failure

Or perhaps successful people are aware of both their strengths and weaknesses, but learn to play to their strengths?  That is why as teachers, youth workers and parents we need to teach kids resilience. Recognise the small successes and it will motivate them to seek out further success; punish failure and it will teach them learned helplessness. Recognise effort, even if the outcome is not what you hoped for - it will empower them to try again.

Our insides NEVER match the outsides of others.

Some of the 'Successful' are in denial of their weak spots.

Workaholics are, quite possibly, dependent on Cocaine to remain functional.

We're just more open to our failings.

Love the person you are.

That’s typically kind and compassionate of you Kate. much appreciated. Technically it’s darkest at the exact midpoint between sunset and sunrise, but where’s the poetry in that?! And transcendental truths (or hopes) are more important than literal ones of course! 

I had no idea NAS even made videos. Thank you for sharing this with us :) 

I like the message. It gives me hope.

I had no idea NAS made a video like this one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JlnX2Opjag

message is (I would say):

stay strong, by whatever means necessary, because after darkness comes the light

You are welcome I hope I helped you feel a bit more positive today. Just remember and tell you it will get better and these feelings and thought will not be forever. Everything passes it just takes time.

I leave this with you I hope it brighten you up :) 

That’s really kind of you Alice - thank you. Your words mean a lot

I really do hope it passes. For anyone else on here who is struggling very much at the moment: you are not alone. I wish things were easier for all of us that are having dark days at the moment. They say that ‘the darkest hours come just before the dawn’ - I hope it’s true. xxxx 

Hello, I hope you are feeling brighter and more positive now? Unfortunately negative thoughts and feelings can often creep in and leave us feeling this way. This happens to me a lot of the time. It can be overwhelming and exhausting. I think all you can do is tell yourself you are not a failure and that these thoughts and feelings are 100% wrong!

When I feel this way I put on my favourite upbeat song or play a fun song on my guitar or piano. Or I look through my positive journal which is basically a book about all the positive things I've done and have happened to me. Doing that helps me ever so much. It could be something good for you to do also possible. 

Life with autism and anxiety is difficult and people without autism have no idea. I wish more understood the difficulties we face. We obsess a lot and I find myself obsessing over my flaws and noticing others who aren't as flawed. 

But like all things this passes. Sometimes it takes a while but it will always pass.

I hope things pass and get easier for you. I am thinking of you and wishing you the best.

Thank you Ian - I appreciate this :) 

" You want to know the difference between a Master and a Beginner? The Master has failed more times than the Beginner has tried." Attributed to Yoda.   May the Force be with you!

Thomas Edison was probably autistic - he certainly had neurodivergent traits. He tried hundreds, if not thousands, of materials before he found a filament for his light bulb. He realised that failure is not necessarily a bad thing; it is whether you can learn from it. He knew that if something does not work, you put it aside and try something else.

Maybe that day was just an off day? Are you feeling a bit brighter now? I don't think your a failure. You sound resilient and strong to me. 

It's easy to look at others and see their successes. It highlights things. But that's easy to do! But just think they probably look at you and think the same thing. Like, look how resilient and strong Kate is I wish I was like that.

My mum was a really good baker. Every cake and bun she made was mouth watering like heaven!

I watched her bake, followed everything you do and my cakes sank and it all tasted rubbish. I still can't bake and I find that annoying and sad. Feel ashamed that I can't do it right.

Your not a failure. It's just we're all good at different things. I look around see people getting married, having children and lots of friends and those are all things I'd love to have in my life, but I seriously don't see that ever happening because I just don't think I'm compatible with people. I feel sad and ashamed if I think about it too much.

But maybe that will improve and one day I will have that? Life is full of surprises. Sometimes it just takes time and practice.

Some days it's easier to notice these things so hopefully now you're not noticing it as much. 

One thing for sure is you are not a failure. I see a lot of quality and niceness in you and I'm jealous 

Be kind to yourself.

I hope it goes really well for you both - you must be so excited about it all! It’s great to have something wonderful like that to look forward to

Thanks!  Yes, I plan to keep my part-time job even if I build a writing career so that I have a steady income.

My fiancee is currently in the USA.  We're just beginning to engage with the immigration bureaucracy...

That's fascinating. I must admit I can't relate to that feeling of... is it OK to call it 'grandeur'?  I'm the exact other side of the coin perhaps. But I do wonder about inherent qualitative differences in how the neurotypical feel. What for them is sufficient to be given descriptors like profound, or intense, or lasting. I was asked recently by a therapist to define 'love' and struggled to articulate the complexity and depth and continuity of how I experience it. Outwardly, it probably seemed like I didn't understand a key human emotion, but I have a suspicion that I understand it almost 'too' well, experientlially. It doesn't have an on/off switch or a volume control that I can manipulate at will as many others in society seem to be able to do when a circumstance no ,longer suits them. Anyway, it occurred to me to look up a dictionary definition of 'love' last night, and was surprised at how slight is sounded - basically 'to like someone very much, or have lots of affection for them'. I mean I suppose it is that on a very basic level, and maybe all it proves is that its true depths remain inexpressible. I don't know. That feeing of disconnect (and a suspicion that I've wrongly overestimated most people's capacity to feel with the same consistent intensity I do) is growing in me of late, but I don't want it to get too 'us [autists] and them' (in your case it sounds more like 'me and them') in case I lose the balance of what's healthy.

 I identify.  I remember this feeling from early childhood.  I didn’t have the necessary power to make things different to the way I thought they should be.   Therefore, in my case, the problem is I somehow feel I have a responsibility to make life be the way it ought to be.  I have a problem which is lack of acceptance that there are forces in control of the Universe going right back to its beginning but I see myself as the main force and am baffled at my lack of power over everything.  Surely if I’m the only feeling being I should be able to control all?

I wonder if Autism is an illusion that I am the only feeling being?  Because I do not intuitively know that all other people feel equally real to themselves as I do to me I assume I have special powers.  Neurology makes me feel alone in the universe.  My neurological condition allows me factual information but it is not telling the truth about this one fact: I am not alone.  That is why it is a disorder. 

The need to make money so often gets in the way of people doing what they love. I hope you’re able to continue with your writing and find ways to make it a career. My husband is a writer - but doesn’t make money from it. He also has a ‘regular’ paid job - and this means he doesn’t have as much time as he’d like for creative projects.

Congratulations on your engagement - how exciting that you’re getting married next year - I’m really happy for you!

lots of people live with their parents for longer now - especially with rents etc being so high. I’m sure it’ll be wonderful though when you and your partner get a place together :) 

What country is she moving from? I hope the process goes smoothly for her when the time comes. My eldest is living abroad at the moment with his girlfriend and getting the paperwork to enable him to work there has been a nightmare. 

sending you all my best wishes and thanks for your very kind and supportive words :) 

I agree about trying to follow what you love, and that autistic people do really love the things we love.  I’m trying to do that more in my life, but it’s not easy.  Hopefully I will get there eventually.  I don’t have a job I love (actually it’s boring and occasionally difficult from an autistic and socially anxious point of view), but my boss is understanding so it mostly doesn’t feel too pressured, even if I feel I’m struggling a lot of the time.  I’m trying to build a second career as a writer and proof-reader alongside it (as I mentioned, I only work part-time), which would hopefully increase my income while allowing me to work from home.  Writing would potentially be a job which is also a hobby.  And my fiancée and I hope to get married next year, immigration bureaucracy-permitting, which I think will make my life a lot better (I currently live with my parents, which is not ideal at thirty-eight!).  I hope  you and your son find a way to make your lives work better too.

I agree, Jenny has put that so well! Luftmentsch too. It's such a relief to read and completely identify with testimony and inner defiance/resolve that maps so exactly to my - to our - experience(s).

I love this Jenny - so true. We can only truly thrive if we are true to ourselves. Totally agree :)

I'd not actually heard that saying but, as Kate also says, it's hugely helpful.

Luftmentsch said:

it is important not to compare our insides with other people's outsides, as the saying goes.

I really need to remind myself of this more often. 

And the other thing I still need to remind myself of (and maybe others will too?) is that often, what I perceive as failure, is me, having been saturated with outsiders views and priorities, ineffectively faking it as a neurotypical.  I can fake it for a while, no doubt, but ultimately I will fail.  I get "shaken out" for one reason or another.  What I'm really good at though, is being the neurodivergent person I was always supposed to be (before the world, peer groups, educators and employers got to me with their version of how things ought to be) and I need to free the real Jenny up from all the crud that's built up over the years.  

Authentic autistic living, however we define it.  I bet we'll be good at that!