Feeling like a failure

You are an artist - you’re just not a practicing artist at the moment :) 

I do feel fortunate to have spent all these years working as an artist - although since my illness last year I haven’t been able to work (due more to the mental health impact rather than the physical after effects). 
I’m hoping to return to it though - in time. 
It’s great that your a counsellor - that’s wonderful. 

Re. school - when we drove away from my youngest son’s last day at his Primary school we played ‘Strike Up the Band’ - we were so glad to leave that school behind! It had the most TERRIBLE misogynistic Headmaster who I swear got a kick out the power he had, and his ability to wind me up. Just horrible. 

anyway - all in the past. Let’s face it virtually everyone on here has a bucketload of awful stories to tell about school. I think it’s important to let it go if you can - because we can’t change the past. 

Yes, I used to revere teachers and hang on their every word.  Some lessons I absolutely loved but, given my hyperlexia and academic leanings, the teachers obviously thought I was OK.  I really wasn't.  And I went on to spend years in higher education and then at work just not being OK. 

I can see now how it all lined up for me.  Doing well in education and getting loads of qualifications seemed,on the face of it, to line me up for supposedly "good jobs".  The message was always that if you work hard you'll get a "good job".  But really what they meant by a good job and what I understood by it were two very different things.  My accountancy posts were all "good" but they ground me down and could have killed me if I'd stayed any longer.  So I actually worked hard at school to get a soul destroying nightmare of a job and I'd have been better off focussing on my art.  And my husband says he'd have preferred a life on benefits as he actually became suicidal. 

I've given up expecting places of education or healthcare to be supportive and inclusive, at least for now.  I hope it'll change in the future but I'll need to see some evidence before I trust them again.       

So yes, being "clever" can be problematic for an autistic person.  And I'm not feeling so clever now. 

I really like the sound of your prescription! I think I’d like the same! 
Bedtime Brownies - sounds wonderful. I’m really starting to envy you for these ‘treats’ Jenny! 
I’ve just googled Sapphire Clinic but it’s blocked - I think it might be the parental controls on my Broadband package! Ironic! 

I think I need to write myself a prescription too. It’s a good way of looking at it - I think I’ll get my son and husband to write one for themselves too. I’ve spent so much time running away from bad stuff recently that I’ve not had the mental strength or energy to start making positive plans for the future. I need to move away from ‘fight or flight’ and get into re-building my life mode. 

Oh, so so lucky to be an artist.  I've always felt that I'm meant to be an artist.  I might still be one in fact.  Just heavily disguised as an accountant, and more latterly (a better match) as a counsellor. 

And for us schools have simply been a place of trauma.  My old school is being knocked down soon and my sister and I were thinking of going to watch, perhaps with some champagne to hand! 

Ah, George Watts.  She used to be involved in the free Futurelearn course on autism, along with Damian Milton.  I think she still is.  I enjoyed chatting online with her on this course, a few years ago now.

www.futurelearn.com/.../autism  

What does it say about our society that jobs that help people have poor salaries? I think it says it all to be honest! 

I still haven't felt like smoking anything, or even vaping much, although my son does.  But the edibles were a revelation to me.  They seem to have the effect that I always hoped alcohol would.  Now that's not to say I don't enjoy sharing a bottle of wine.  It's much needed round here.  But the edibles, when started slow and low, have been excellent.  Bedtime brownies are great too and without these I often wouldn't sleep from all the worry and anxiety.  Sertraline and other drugs are now off the menu for me. 
 

We do seem to attract challenging experiences too.  I can't take HRT because I have a liver condition that's hormonally driven (it started during my pregancies and gets worse each year).  And being seriously ill definitely makes you reassess your priorities. 

My individually-tailored prescription is now cannabis, wine, gardening, good food and various relaxation and meditation techniques.  Oh, and avoiding psychiatrists!  We really need to get some pleasure back into our lives too and these people jsut add to our stress levels. 

I don't think anyone has ever had a good salary doing a job where they help people. But job satisfaction and good colleagues are more important to me.

‘Pretending to be an accountant’

As an artist working from hipbone I escaped having to ‘pretend’ at work - which was a huge plus! 

yes - schools not being ‘safe’ for many autistic people - that’s a good choice of word. 
When my eldest first started school he lost so much weight - do the extent that I took him to a doctor as I was so worried. Eventually we realised it was the stress that was causing it. Awful. And when my youngest started school he developed Selective Mutism. So both had serious signs of distress on starting school - and yet I kept being told that they would ‘get used to it and settle in’. They never really did - not without a huge cost to their health and well being. 

personally I think there should be more schools that are specifically designed to meet the needs of autistic children. Then they could really thrive, and make friends too. 

I bet it's nice to have people around you who think and communicate in a similar way

I think I've seen this kieran guy before and he's going to be at the national autism show near me this week as a speaker.

I don know if it's different now but when I was at school your career path was determined by how "clever" you were rather than taking a more holistic approach. So we were shuffled off to college and uni. I was offered progression at work into mgmt snd this was around the time I thought I could be autistic. Altho I could do it with my eyes closed, I declined as I knew I'd find the meetings difficult and the higher level of interaction with colleagues would be challenging.  I'm glad I stayed where I was. We don't have to endlessly be chasing the ladder.

I'm sorry your husband had a bad experience.  You'd think places of education would be much more supportive and inclusive.

Thank you

My children are such a blessing to me and I’m so lucky to have them. Our youngest still lives with us and I love his company - I know he’ll want to move out and get his own place one day - but I will miss him so much when he does! 

Not assessed as such but yes, we think so.  So our sons have a double dose of neurodivergence.  

When we first started our respective careers (I was pretending to be an accountant and holding up my end of being part of a young professional couple!) we both thought that we'd gradually get used to speaking in front of others, at meetings and more generally.  And dealing with conflict and change at work.  This didn't happen, and we just made ourselves miserable, coming back home in some very stressed states and probably affecting our sons too.  

Thinking about my husband, we maybe should have learnt something from our own experiences at school.  As children, we both got bullied at school.  But as a teacher my husband ended up feeling bullied by the management team and gradually edged out, no matter how hard he tried.  As things stand, we don't now believe that conventional schools are safe places for autistic kids, or autistic teachers for that matter.  

I think Kieran used to work in education too and he definitely has some thoughts on this!    

That sounds wonderful - and such important work. How excellent. My husband works in a place where he helps a lot of vulnerable people who need a lot of support and assistance, many of whom have language barriers, and barriers of other kinds too. He doesn’t earn much but we take comfort from the fact that in his job he is helping people, not exploiting people or trying to get people to buy stuff they don’t need. 
It’s good to do work that genuinely helps people

It's hard isn't it but it sounds like you were and still are doing your absolute best as a parent for your sons.  

There's also this video I came across today! I think it's just wonderful

https://youtu.be/Rg62Fp6RUZs

11 minutes

Yes - although I love a quiet beach too :) 

The key things for me are: beautiful nature, not many people, not too hot. I can’t stand really hot sweltering weather. 

I agree about the comparison with lgbtq rights - it’s a good point to make. 
Going to school actively damaged my son - we were cluelessly trying to make him ‘fit’ into it - when he was intrinsically unsuited to that environment. He deserved a learning environment that met his needs and did not traumatise him.  

That's kind of what I do but with disadvantaged people from abroad. It's quite fun and brings out the inner entertainer in me. It's just enough people interaction on my terms and without social commitment.

Years ago husband taught an evening class helping adults with basic literacy skills - he found it really fulfilling. 

There are so many teachers in my family: my parents were, all my maternal aunts and uncles and their partners. The stress it put them under was phenomenal. I could never have coped with it, a nervous breakdown would have been a certainty.