Feeling like a failure

I’ve had a difficult few months and recently I’ve felt like such a failure. I’ve been thinking about my life and all the struggles I’ve had just to cope with normal life - stuff that so many other people seem to breeze through and cope really well with - and I’ve just had this awful overwhelming feeling today of feeling like such a failure. I know now that much of my struggle with day to day life is due to me being autistic (and also my childhood with parents who were very flawed and emotionally distant) and most of the time I try to be positive. But these last couple of weeks I’ve found myself experiencing a lot of self hatred and feeling like such a failure.

I realise this sounds like self pity - and maybe it is! I don’t want to be thinking like this and I know it’s self destructive. 
But how do other autistic people come to terms with the fact that they’ve spent their lives struggling so much with day to day life, and living with a lot of anxiety etc? When I was younger I think I felt better about myself - I enjoyed being different and unique. But now I find myself looking at other people who have had more conventionally ‘successful’ lives and friendships and feeling like a failure in comparison. I think being autistic has made life very difficult for me. 

How do other people come to terms with being accepting of these sorts of thoughts and feelings? And how do you keep positive about the way being autistic has impacted on your ability to really engage with life and achieve things? 

I want to be more positive but am struggling today. Does anyone else sometimes feel this way? And how do you deal with it? 

Parents
  • I've got to admit to having similar feelings at times, and especially after a run of difficulties compounding it all.  But then underneath that I'm also very attached to being me, leastways when I feel I'm safe enough to be genuinely myself.  

    So I'm wondering about the various "conditions of worth" that are routinely placed upon us, via parental figures, educators, employers and yes, our culture as a whole, which often seems to judge people through a very narrow lens of economic productivity and fairly stereotypical ideas about "success".  We internalise all of this and then, I find, even collude with the subtle and not-so-subtle oppression which makes us feel "less than".  I do it myself on a regular basis.  Indeed, I think I've been programmed by all of the above influences to do that.

    In order to find a place of calm and self acceptance, I regularly need to sit with this for a while, allowing all the external stuff to subside or using a cognitive therapy approach to target and dismantle some of it.  It has deep roots so it's something I come back to every so often.  I need reminding.

    Once, while I was watching some YouTube videos by Emily and Amelia Nagoski on the subject of burnout one statement leapt out - "The game is rigged"!  Yes, it is!  And it's not my fault, it's not yours, and it's not that of our autistic community.  We're a minority, experiencing minority stress and we didn't create the game, although we're inevitably made aware of its relentless standards and the conventional path through life that goes with it. 

    I"m not sure whether any of this rings true or feels helpful.  I'm all too familiar with the struggles, as you'll see from my other, often desperate posts.  But I just wanted to emphasise that this "failure" can masquerade as an individual one whereas in reality we have lots of strengths and skills that are either devalued by society or not allowed to flourish more visibly because we seem to be "off the beaten track".

    In terms of living our lives, this is enormously difficult, we get tired and, when we're tired, the cultural standards that are all around us and even within us, come back to clobber us when we're least able to cope.  I may be getting too philosophical here but I like the quote from Nietzsche, ""When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago". And I think we get tired a LOT.  

    I think and hope, especially in the light of other responses here, that you know how many strengths and positive qualities radiate out from you, whenever you speak in these forums and no doubt in your life generally.  It does feel very much as though more is asked from us just to get by, but the development of such qualities and character is, I believe, what life is really all about and the true measure of "success".

    Can I push the boat out and add a little poem?  Again, it's another little touchstone to which I occasionally return to combat the programming.

    Success, D H Lawrence

    Success is a played out game, success, success!
    Because what have you got when youve got it?

    The young aren't vitally interested in it any more.
    Only third rate swabs are pushing to get on,
    nowadays.

    Getting the better of other people!  Who cares?-
    Getting the better of them!  Which better, what better, anyhow?

    Our poor old daddies got on,
    And then could never get off again.

    If only we could make life a bit more just
    so that we could all get along gaily
    instead of getting on and not being able to get off again. 

Reply
  • I've got to admit to having similar feelings at times, and especially after a run of difficulties compounding it all.  But then underneath that I'm also very attached to being me, leastways when I feel I'm safe enough to be genuinely myself.  

    So I'm wondering about the various "conditions of worth" that are routinely placed upon us, via parental figures, educators, employers and yes, our culture as a whole, which often seems to judge people through a very narrow lens of economic productivity and fairly stereotypical ideas about "success".  We internalise all of this and then, I find, even collude with the subtle and not-so-subtle oppression which makes us feel "less than".  I do it myself on a regular basis.  Indeed, I think I've been programmed by all of the above influences to do that.

    In order to find a place of calm and self acceptance, I regularly need to sit with this for a while, allowing all the external stuff to subside or using a cognitive therapy approach to target and dismantle some of it.  It has deep roots so it's something I come back to every so often.  I need reminding.

    Once, while I was watching some YouTube videos by Emily and Amelia Nagoski on the subject of burnout one statement leapt out - "The game is rigged"!  Yes, it is!  And it's not my fault, it's not yours, and it's not that of our autistic community.  We're a minority, experiencing minority stress and we didn't create the game, although we're inevitably made aware of its relentless standards and the conventional path through life that goes with it. 

    I"m not sure whether any of this rings true or feels helpful.  I'm all too familiar with the struggles, as you'll see from my other, often desperate posts.  But I just wanted to emphasise that this "failure" can masquerade as an individual one whereas in reality we have lots of strengths and skills that are either devalued by society or not allowed to flourish more visibly because we seem to be "off the beaten track".

    In terms of living our lives, this is enormously difficult, we get tired and, when we're tired, the cultural standards that are all around us and even within us, come back to clobber us when we're least able to cope.  I may be getting too philosophical here but I like the quote from Nietzsche, ""When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago". And I think we get tired a LOT.  

    I think and hope, especially in the light of other responses here, that you know how many strengths and positive qualities radiate out from you, whenever you speak in these forums and no doubt in your life generally.  It does feel very much as though more is asked from us just to get by, but the development of such qualities and character is, I believe, what life is really all about and the true measure of "success".

    Can I push the boat out and add a little poem?  Again, it's another little touchstone to which I occasionally return to combat the programming.

    Success, D H Lawrence

    Success is a played out game, success, success!
    Because what have you got when youve got it?

    The young aren't vitally interested in it any more.
    Only third rate swabs are pushing to get on,
    nowadays.

    Getting the better of other people!  Who cares?-
    Getting the better of them!  Which better, what better, anyhow?

    Our poor old daddies got on,
    And then could never get off again.

    If only we could make life a bit more just
    so that we could all get along gaily
    instead of getting on and not being able to get off again. 

Children
  • Oh Jenny - what a reply! It is filled with wisdom, compassion and kindness! I am so moved by what you’ve written here - you’ve expressed it so brilliantly, so eloquently. You should write a book! (Maybe you have!). It definitely does all ‘ring true’ - thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experience. Pray

    I’m always astonished on here at the degree of self awareness people have about their place in this world as an autistic person, and the way we have to work so hard to navigate the world on a day to day basis. And also how imaginative autistic people have to be to find ways to cope. I’ve had MUCH a better advice and support on here than I’ve ever from the many books I’ve read about autism or anxiety, or from any Doctor or Education professional. 


    You are so right about the impact of being tired. I feel I am always tired at the moment - from the moment I wake up I am tired. The Nietzsche quote is brilliant - thanks for including it - it’s exactly what my head is doing right now. I will check out the YouTube people you mention too. This is all so helpful Jenny! 
    The poem is wonderful (I studied DH Lawrence at A level). It’s a great poem - and I agree with him. 

    You refer to your other ‘desperate posts’ - I’m sorry you are sometimes feeling this way too. If it’s any comfort I think everyone’s posts on here - and perhaps especially the more desperate ones - are part of a wonderful support network that I think is genuinely quite extraordinary. The people in this community are doing something very special (in my humble opinion!) - they are helping to banish the loneliness and isolation that so often comes along with being autistic. That is no small achievement. When my youngest son was at school - struggling so much with isolation and loneliness - I could never understand why more people didn’t reach out to him and try to gently include him. He really wanted to connect with people but found it almost impossible to take steps toward that himself. 
    On here there is no shortage of the most friendly, kind, supportive and comforting support - all through the day, everyday. It’s wonderful - and everyone in this community deserves credit for creating this wonderful environment that every autistic person can turn to - for help, for company, or just to have a chat. It’s so special. 


    Thank you Jenny! I’ve found your words so moving and encouraging- you have really helped me. 

    You are a very wise woman :)