Feeling like a failure

I’ve had a difficult few months and recently I’ve felt like such a failure. I’ve been thinking about my life and all the struggles I’ve had just to cope with normal life - stuff that so many other people seem to breeze through and cope really well with - and I’ve just had this awful overwhelming feeling today of feeling like such a failure. I know now that much of my struggle with day to day life is due to me being autistic (and also my childhood with parents who were very flawed and emotionally distant) and most of the time I try to be positive. But these last couple of weeks I’ve found myself experiencing a lot of self hatred and feeling like such a failure.

I realise this sounds like self pity - and maybe it is! I don’t want to be thinking like this and I know it’s self destructive. 
But how do other autistic people come to terms with the fact that they’ve spent their lives struggling so much with day to day life, and living with a lot of anxiety etc? When I was younger I think I felt better about myself - I enjoyed being different and unique. But now I find myself looking at other people who have had more conventionally ‘successful’ lives and friendships and feeling like a failure in comparison. I think being autistic has made life very difficult for me. 

How do other people come to terms with being accepting of these sorts of thoughts and feelings? And how do you keep positive about the way being autistic has impacted on your ability to really engage with life and achieve things? 

I want to be more positive but am struggling today. Does anyone else sometimes feel this way? And how do you deal with it? 

Parents
  • You might have had more to cope with than conventional people and in a different way because you are autistic. This probably means you are far more resilient than you realise. 

    I know, it's really difficult to not be hard on oneself.

  • Thank you - I really appreciate that.

    It’s been a tough year or so (and for all of us in different ways). It’s just got on top of me recently. You know how you can get to the point where you realise that you’ve actually forgotten what it feels like to be relaxed and happy? 
    I’ve got a couple of really stressful things coming up next week and I just feel completely overwhelmed. 

    I want to say to every autistic person on here that they deserve so much credit for all they do to manage the challenges of being autistic in a world that frankly gives them very little help or recognition. In the car today my son said: “one thing I’ve learnt over the past few years is that no one is going to come and help us - we just have to try to help ourselves”. It made me sad to hear him say that but I think he’s right. But what happens when we can’t help ourselves? When we really do need help - who do we turn to? 

  • I don't know how to help but maybe break the overwhelming things up into chunks or speak to your partner about them to get some perspective. Make sure you build time to decompress afterwards.

    It's hard to hear your son say that but I do think he's right. I've learned that there's only yourself who can help yourself, no one else can do it for you. That's not to say professionals can't play a helping hand, but I know you've said you are waiting for that.

  • thank you so much for your very kind words  Pray

    I agree with all your wider points about society and how we treat each other. We are a long way from that  now - but who knows, maybe one day?!  It’s not impossible that things could profoundly change. Looking at history though there is not a huge amount of evidence for it! I always think Buddhism gets part way there - but look at what happened to Tibet……

    I hope you enjoy the remainder of your weekend :)    X

  • I completely agree with your sentiments. I'm not going to get started on politics otherwise that will be me here till bedtime! Of course healthcare needs more investment but I think we need to start at the individual level. If we could build more understanding, acceptance, compassion and empathy for ourselves and each other this would be the starting point we need. Im talking about anyone and everyone for each other regardless of our differences. This is probably a very roses tinted view but it'll never happen while we have a society which chases wealth, status,  power and unrelenting quest for happiness. Because you have to tread over others to get there.

    So we need to teach others how to swim, find new ways to swim if you've only got one leg, or share armbands, or help the ones in the shallow end and be kind to the ones who just want to sit on the side with their toe in.

    In a kinder society we would look out for each other more and take care of each other better. People help the people. Of course there are others who'd need more significant help.

    We are totally disconnected from the world, nature and each other. 

    It's Sunday afternoon and I'm rambling but the bit you said about a good society set off this chain of thought. 

    This week sounds difficult...remind yourself you've probably had equally if not more difficult times before so you'll get through it. Quite often I get anxiety that I will induce more anxiety on myself. 

    For what it's worth, I really value your comments, kindness and insight on this forum.

  • Thank you out_of_step - I really appreciate that. I have a very difficult week ahead for a couple of reasons. If I can get through next week unscathed I think I will hopefully turn a corner. It is sad that my son feels that way - and I can see why. There really SHOULD be good and prompt help for people who need it - there’s no reason why that shouldn’t be available to people. In a good society that should be a given - but it isn’t. Autistic people (and a lot of people with disabilities) are often left to ‘sink or swim’ - when they should (if they need them) be given arm bands, or life-rafts, or even really lovely sailing boats that they can have fun in! 
    Things really could be better, society could be kinder, schools could do better, mental health services could be properly funded and have specialist services for autistic people. 

    sorry - bit of a rant! I just wish there was more support for those that need it. I’ve had a lifetime of trying to cope - I hit a wall this year (and not for the first time) and the help just isn’t there. I’m expected to wait eleven months for CBT and have been told that because my situation is more serious I need more support and that ‘more support’ has a longer waiting list! So the more in crisis you are, the longer you wait - that’s mad.

    Anyway. It won’t change anytime soon with this Government. I’m not even sure that a Labour Government with Starmer would be much better (though would probably be a bit better). What we need is a profound transformation - and I don’t see anyone is going to provide that anytime soon 

    So get swimming. 

Reply
  • Thank you out_of_step - I really appreciate that. I have a very difficult week ahead for a couple of reasons. If I can get through next week unscathed I think I will hopefully turn a corner. It is sad that my son feels that way - and I can see why. There really SHOULD be good and prompt help for people who need it - there’s no reason why that shouldn’t be available to people. In a good society that should be a given - but it isn’t. Autistic people (and a lot of people with disabilities) are often left to ‘sink or swim’ - when they should (if they need them) be given arm bands, or life-rafts, or even really lovely sailing boats that they can have fun in! 
    Things really could be better, society could be kinder, schools could do better, mental health services could be properly funded and have specialist services for autistic people. 

    sorry - bit of a rant! I just wish there was more support for those that need it. I’ve had a lifetime of trying to cope - I hit a wall this year (and not for the first time) and the help just isn’t there. I’m expected to wait eleven months for CBT and have been told that because my situation is more serious I need more support and that ‘more support’ has a longer waiting list! So the more in crisis you are, the longer you wait - that’s mad.

    Anyway. It won’t change anytime soon with this Government. I’m not even sure that a Labour Government with Starmer would be much better (though would probably be a bit better). What we need is a profound transformation - and I don’t see anyone is going to provide that anytime soon 

    So get swimming. 

Children
  • thank you so much for your very kind words  Pray

    I agree with all your wider points about society and how we treat each other. We are a long way from that  now - but who knows, maybe one day?!  It’s not impossible that things could profoundly change. Looking at history though there is not a huge amount of evidence for it! I always think Buddhism gets part way there - but look at what happened to Tibet……

    I hope you enjoy the remainder of your weekend :)    X

  • I completely agree with your sentiments. I'm not going to get started on politics otherwise that will be me here till bedtime! Of course healthcare needs more investment but I think we need to start at the individual level. If we could build more understanding, acceptance, compassion and empathy for ourselves and each other this would be the starting point we need. Im talking about anyone and everyone for each other regardless of our differences. This is probably a very roses tinted view but it'll never happen while we have a society which chases wealth, status,  power and unrelenting quest for happiness. Because you have to tread over others to get there.

    So we need to teach others how to swim, find new ways to swim if you've only got one leg, or share armbands, or help the ones in the shallow end and be kind to the ones who just want to sit on the side with their toe in.

    In a kinder society we would look out for each other more and take care of each other better. People help the people. Of course there are others who'd need more significant help.

    We are totally disconnected from the world, nature and each other. 

    It's Sunday afternoon and I'm rambling but the bit you said about a good society set off this chain of thought. 

    This week sounds difficult...remind yourself you've probably had equally if not more difficult times before so you'll get through it. Quite often I get anxiety that I will induce more anxiety on myself. 

    For what it's worth, I really value your comments, kindness and insight on this forum.