Feeling like a failure

Thank you - this is really helpful. I like your advice: ‘it’s important not to compare our insides with other peoples outsides’ - that’s such a great way to express that. I’m sure your right. Even at my worst if someone passed me walking down the street they probably would realise anything was wrong (although I probably look exhausted and tired - but not much more than that). 
I'm sorry that you also sometimes blame yourself and feel like a failure. We autistic people are too hard on ourselves - I see it in my own family and also on here. We have to try so hard all the time, I think that’s very tiring and when we’re tired our spirits get low. Before we know it we have very little resilience, and on it goes. 
I saw a quote yesterday that said ‘Find what you love and go there’. I think one of the strengths autistic people have is that when we love something we REALLY love it - and in my experience this is what often keeps us alive (both emotionally and literally). 

In recent months I’ve so often felt what you describe: just getting through the day is an achievement. Same for my son - just keeping going is an achievement. But sometimes it’s hard to feel good about an achievement like THAT - even though it definitely is a huge achievement sometimes. 
I feel autistic people are being let down in society. I think that school - and the fact that is not a very harmonious environment for us - sets up all sorts of issues for us long term that can take years to unravel and heal from. 
I feel my son needs therapy BECAUSE of school - not because of some inherent failing use to being autistic. School can be a truly hostile environment for many children (and not just autistic children) - it covers most of our most formative years and it can take years to recover from all the unpleasant lessons we learn from not being able to be happy in all that noise and with all those people. I feel my son has scars from that. And when you LEAVE - it’s just another heap of things that can often feel just as hostile. 

I feel I’m being hugely negative - I’m sorry! 
I genuinely believe that autistic people can have wonderful, happy, fulfilled lives - if they can live the kind of lives they want to. A big part of that as an adult is finding a job you love (or at least like!). Having enough money that your not constantly worrying about money. Having at least one or two people (preferably more)  in your life that you love and trust. Having interests or hobbies that you are passionate about and get joy from (it’s doesn’t matter what they are). Being kind to ourselves and forgiving ourselves for the fact that sometimes the simplest things are very difficult for us. Not comparing ourselves to others - as you pointed out so brilliantly in your reply. 

It really can be ok. 
It’s great that you’ve helped so many people with your blog. I’ve realised from coming on here that autistic people communicating with each other online is a wonderfully positive and encouraging thing. I wish I’d realised that much sooner. I realise now that I’m part of a tribe - and didn’t realise it.  It’s an excellent tribe too - full of interesting, courageous, caring and imaginative people who show huge amounts of initiative in trying to find solutions to the many problems they face. Pretty damn amazing. 

You write : ‘I’m extremely bad at following this advice though!’ - yes! I know all about the positives and much about how I SHOULD be approaching this - but I still feel pretty dreadful a lot of the time! It’s easier said than done isn’t it?!

But everyone on here helps - so much - with their kindness, understanding and support. It makes such a difference.  

I have only just seen this (been off the forum a lot lately).  I'm sorry you feel this way.  Do you still feel like this?  I don't think you're a failure.  You seem to support people a lot on this forum, which must count for something!

The feelings you describe are very familiar to me, particularly at work.  I only work two days a week, but I still feel like I mess up a lot of things there.  I can't tell how much is e.g. my executive function issues and social interaction issues and how much my own incompetence.  On bad days, I blame myself a lot and come home feeling a failure, thinking of people I was at school or university with who have gone on to better things.

Some days I think just getting through the day is an achievement and should be celebrated as such.  I'm also trying to focus on my other achievements, even if they're not things I've been paid for or which society sees as important.

I also think it is important not to compare our insides with other people's outsides, as the saying goes.  I've been a mental health blogger for years and "met" many people struggling with issues, sometimes autism and neurological issues, sometimes mental health issues.  Many of them are putting up a brave face in public and on social media, but admitting to real struggles, self-doubt, depression, anxiety, etc. on anonymous blogs.  Then there are people whose relationships are secretly falling apart and so on.  We can't tell what other people are really feeling and experiencing and it's counter-productive to try to compare ourselves.  We need to find things about ourselves that we can take pride in, not necessarily what society/the media considers successful, but things that matter to us and make us feel worthwhile.  I am extremely bad at following this advice though!

Thank you so much Charlotte - I hugely appreciate your very kind words x 

It really does mean a lot to read your message - it’s really comforting to read your reassuring perspective. You certainly are kind and caring - that’s clear from what you’ve written here

I’m so sorry that you have lost both your parents, that must be incredibly hard to cope with. My husband lost his Mum in March (his dad died many years ago) - coming to terms with this is a very long process isn’t it? I hope you are getting the love and support you need to deal with your grieving process? 

I’m sending you love and hugs too - and gratitude for your lovely, heartwarming reply,

Kate x 

Coincidentally I have just made a list with my husband making a persuasive argument for me to do something that I really need to do but which I’m having panic attacks about doing. Lists really can help :) 

I like your approach. At the moment I tend to just get swept up in negative emotions and fears - I really need to approach improving my life in a more methodical and rational way. I have PTSD and I ink this is really getting in the way of me taking a more productive approach. I am taking inspiration from you though Mariusz - thank you x

Absolutely.  I have a couple of notepads and post it pads around the house and use them for what I call my "Lists to live by".  One of them is just a rolling shopping list for me and mine, but I also have 2 next to my computer, one for autism-related thoughts and resources and one for any useful webinar notes.  And a post it pad next to my side of the bed so's I can jot down those notes to self that always seem to occur when I'm lying there and too tired to get back up again.  

But the most important lists are very private ones I keep on my mobile and these include little reminders of positives and pep talks to myself, so that my more uplifting, cheerful states of mind can be there to draw upon when I'm feeling low. 

Aw I'm sorry you've been feeling this way. No matter what though it's important to remind yourself that you are not a failure. Life often throws things in our direction and it can be hard not to get knocked down or back. It's easy to look at the things which aren't great at the moment but it's important to look at the things you've done, I imagine you have done lots of amazing things! Look at what you have done already and feel proud of that. It will show you you're not a failure and that you can achieve again. You're probably just feeling a bit meh at the moment, but it doesn't last. So be kind to yourself and hang in there. Ride this out. Because for sure your will definitely pick up again and start feeling better and more positive. We all get low negative moments in life but they soon pass.

I've been feeling low and negative since my parents died and often feel like a failure and let down, lots of self hatred sometimes but I try to think back, remember the things I've done and achieved and that I'm a person unique who may not be able to engage like others but I'm kind and caring - I hope! - and those are qualities I'm proud to have.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way at the moment. But I promise it isn't forever. I send you hugs and love xx

I had been struggling with depression for a couple years, and losing the structure of highschool, having just graduated, sent me right off the deep end. I tried medications and therapies and nothing was working because I was doing nothing to create long-term happiness, only short-term bursts. Creating a habit for yourself; something you do every day that gives you that little umph of accomplishment is the best advice. For me it was exercise; a friend of mine just makes her bed every morning and tiddies up around her place so she comes home to a clean space (she has a very stressful job). Whatever works :)

Everyday struggle isn't going anywhere, we live in a neurotypical society, where showing autistic traits in public is a bad thing, and met with scorn. 

Positivity comes and goes, depending on how focused I'm on something interesting. New interests are usually totally absorbing for a while

I reached conclusion, that ''achieving'' in a neurotypical sense of it is outside of my reach, so I came up with another way to have more or less meaningful life.

I slowed down pace of my life,

I don't work more than 30h a week, short shifts only to avoid getting physially tired at work,

I'm writing poetry, and  sort of a blog, 

I'm trying to write my first sci-fi book, it's hard work, and requires a right mental aptitude to do anything in that direction, if it happens once a month, I manage to write down 10 pages on such a day, though the book is in my head already.

I restricted socialising to my 3 friends only, once a month a dinner with each of them, never all together

I'm browsing youtube on regular basis looking for new videos by autistic for autistic about autistic..

Todays winner orionkelly.com.au/.../why-people-dont-think-my-child-is-autistic

I think making a list is a good idea - unless when you try to write one the list is worryingly short! I think when you’re feeling overwhelmed in this way it’s often quite hard to see the positives - but you’re right that making a list might help you to focus on that and shift your perspective. Thanks :) 

If I feel like a failure I can deliberately write down any conceivable ways in which I’m not a failure.  Then I’m less likely to feel paranoid about being picked upon by the Universe.  I’m no more likely to be chosen as a victim than any other in the past, present or future. 

Hiya matie, how you feeling? 

Yes, I always felt like a two headed alien, and somehow as if my brain was melting so this sounds like a similar experience to your son's.  And I now know that I'm almost allergic to the corporate world. 

And I agree, maybe developing a few small streams of income online would be a good way out.  Like yourselves, I don't think we'd be looking for great riches, just an alternative that makes life more enjoyable for us and keeps us afloat. 

Go for it! I’m sure these paintings would be extremely expressive! 

I agree with your comments about work and the lack of autonomy. My son found being forced to be with people he felt alien to day after day after day really unbearable. And doing work that he didn’t actually care about and wasn’t excited by - almost impossible. To spend hours everyday on stuff that didn’t ultimately matter seemed pointless and depressing. 
I think your approach re a family business is a great idea. And working from home - also excellent for many autistic people. I was just looking at a website of someone who makes lovely clothes at home and sells them online - such a small concern but what a great thing to do. I buy all my clothes from small companies run by individuals now - I buy almost nothing from the high street or big online shops. 

Ah I do need to let go more but the artist in me actually wants to draw on some of the terrible experiences.  I often feel a Gerald Scarfe approach would be most suitable for this.  Plenty of angry splats around the forms and figures too.   :)

I’d forgotten about The Brittas Empire! I feel so nostalgic about eighties tv programmes (I feel a YouTube binge might be on the horizon :) 

Oh no!  Biff and Chip!  We had to throw these to one side because our sons were reading full novels and magazines on, say, the Egyptians or the occult.  I once had to field a call from a concerned librarian about one of my sons taking out books on the occult and had to explain that we talked it all through together and he was just fascinated.

Kate Kestrel said:

Every job he has had he has ended up absolutely hating. 

Unfortunately ths sounds all too familiar.  The careers advice and guidance given at school and beyond are woefully inadequate and fails to take into account the full person.  I once got a full profile done, as part of a redundancy package from one of my accountancy jobs (guess why I was somehow at the top of the redundancy list again!) and the careers consultant wondered why I wanted it because I seemed to have a very good job.  But he completed it for me anyway and unfortunately the most suitable careeer for me came out as "accountant"!  I was aghast until he explained to me that the program tended to align with certain skills and aptitudes rather than interests and inclinations.  And I then wondered what the point had been.   I believe my employer paid quite a lot for this profiling too, so it just goes to show you have to be very careful on that score.

I now believe that, irrespective of the kind of work, some of our distress is about the lack of autonomy and that we're generally better off working for ourselves, again, on our own terms and engaging with the world when we feel able, not when someone insists that we do it right now.  So we're thinking more along the lines of family businesses or investments (once we get some money together!) and anything that involves working from home, which might now be easier after Covid.  

We definitely need our own community but recently we've started referring to our home as "the hermitage" and this reflects our needs.  Maybe we'll expand the hermitage and eventually offer a couple of holiday lets for like-minded individuals?  A kind of materialistic option that operates in a very non materialistic way, if that's possible.   

Yes, hubby and I used to watch The Brittas Empire and really laughed about "Helen's box".  Not sure if you've watched this but Helen, Gordon's long-suffering wife,  has a box stuffed with all the things that help her - drugs, alcohol. chocolate etc.  So we jokingly decided we each needed a box too.  Of course, some of my little delights can't really be contained in a box, but you get the picture.  And now, of course, they're calling some of it, like my gardening  "social prescribing", or more specifically "horticultural therapy".  But then, once someone else prescribes it, I fear it becomes something different that doesn't involve doing it on our own terms - very important to us autistics, i think!  

Have just had to Google hyperlexia - I had not heard of this word before. 

Sounds similar to my eldest. Hugely advanced at school (tried to explain this to his teachers but they didn’t get it - they were giving him ‘Biff and Chip’ books and he was reading full length novels at home. In the end I had to take in a book my son was reading about Horodotus to convince his teacher that he needed something more challenging. 
Like you he went on to get a great degree (he got a place at Oxford Uni) but improving into the workplace has been an entirely different matter. Every job he has had he has ended up absolutely hating. 
Completely naively I thought:  ‘he’s going to Oxford - he’s going to have a great life and an enjoyable career’  but it’s really not that simple. I just want him to enjoy his life - I don’t mind what job he does. So many jobs are  dull and unethical - it’s so find something that really ‘fits’ when you’re autistic. I’m hoping he’ll find something he can be happy doing in time. I worry about the financial side things too - mainly because life’s basics are so ridiculously expensive (rent especially). He’s not materialistic at all - so that’s not a problem. 

maybe autistic people should set up autistic communes?! 
perhaps we need to think outside the box? :)