AS partner cheating

I was in the same situation, so I empathise. For those saying it's not cheating, in my situation it was a huge issue with disloyalty and most definitely ticked the cheating box. My ex had a lot of relationships like this with his exes. Some of his exes would make up rumours about me and slander me to him. He told me some what they'd said and I was horrified. One of them in particular was really awful. She made up fake stories about encounters with me and even referred to me as a b*tch on more than one occasion. I'd never interacted with her, but we'd gone to the same college, so we knew of each other. She also asked him to look at pictures of her, and no, not innocent pictures. She also spoke to him constantly about sex. His ex fiance was also telling him that she missed him and wished she'd never cheated on him and that she didn't like her current bf. She and my ex had been broken up for 12 years at this point.The behaviour of the exes was freaking me out massively, coz I couldn't figure out what I'd done to incur such hatred. He very candidly told me that he knew they were liars/lying but it didn't worry him. I begged him just to speak to them about this as it was so hurtful that they were saying things like this about me and he didn't even attempt to defend me, but he just said they weren't hurting his feelings, so... My MO is usually if something like this occurs I organise a meetup with the person to discuss what the beef is and figure out a solution. I couldn't do that here though, as he'd told me these things in confidence and I didn't want to break his trust. He didn't have a lot of friends, so I didn't want to ruin any friendships for him, but I was very unhappy because he was not playing fair. He had no sense of loyalty and would often toss me to the wolves in order to save his own skin when ever he caused a situation. Not only that, I found out just after our 1yr anniversary that he was on a dating site. He denied being aware that he was using a dating site and then claimed that he couldn't log in to the site to delete the profile because he couldn't remember log in details. 1) this guy had a book with all the login deets he used sitting a few cm from his elbow 2) he was in IT. He knows what the function of the "forgot password" button is. It took him a month to "deactivate" the account. He never deleted it and reinstated it almost immediately when I left him and made other accounts on 7 other dating Apps. He'd done this by the 2nd day after the break up. So, while I can't say yay or nay about whether he was cheating by sleeping with other women as I couldn't bring myself to look into this, his behaviour with the exes was cheating/cheating adjacent most definitely. He was extremely vain and needed constant applause in order to exist. Kinda like Tinkerbell. So, bottom line, everyone has the capacity to cheat, no matter what diagnosis they have.whether or not they do cheat, is dependent on their own moral code.

I was in the same situation, so I empathise. For those saying it's not cheating, in my situation it was a huge issue with disloyalty and most definitely ticked the cheating box. My ex had a lot of relationships like this with his exes. Some of his exes would make up rumours about me and slander me to him. He told me some what they'd said and I was horrified. One of them in particular was really awful. She made up fake stories about encounters with me and even referred to me as a b*tch on more than one occasion. I'd never interacted with her, but we'd gone to the same college, so we knew of each other. She also asked him to look at pictures of her, and no, not innocent pictures. She also spoke to him constantly about sex. His ex fiance was also telling him that she missed him and wished she'd never cheated on him and that she didn't like her current bf. She and my ex had been broken up for 12 years at this point.The behaviour of the exes was freaking me out massively, coz I couldn't figure out what I'd done to incur such hatred. He very candidly told me that he knew they were liars/lying but it didn't worry him. I begged him just to speak to them about this as it was so hurtful that they were saying things like this about me and he didn't even attempt to defend me, but he just said they weren't hurting his feelings, so... My MO is usually if something like this occurs I organise a meetup with the person to discuss what the beef is and figure out a solution. I couldn't do that here though, as he'd told me these things in confidence and I didn't want to break his trust. He didn't have a lot of friends, so I didn't want to ruin any friendships for him, but I was very unhappy because he was not playing fair. He had no sense of loyalty and would often toss me to the wolves in order to save his own skin when ever he caused a situation. Not only that, I found out just after our 1yr anniversary that he was on a dating site. He denied being aware that he was using a dating site and then claimed that he couldn't log in to the site to delete the profile because he couldn't remember log in details. 1) this guy had a book with all the login deets he used sitting a few cm from his elbow 2) he was in IT. He knows what the function of the "forgot password" button is. It took him a month to "deactivate" the account. He never deleted it and reinstated it almost immediately when I left him and made other accounts on 7 other dating Apps. He'd done this by the 2nd day after the break up. So, while I can't say yay or nay about whether he was cheating by sleeping with other women as I couldn't bring myself to look into this, his behaviour with the exes was cheating/cheating adjacent most definitely. He was extremely vain and needed constant applause in order to exist. Kinda like Tinkerbell. So, bottom line, everyone has the capacity to cheat, no matter what diagnosis they have.whether or not they do cheat, is dependent on their own moral code.

NAS73828 

Hi NAS73828

I'm new to this community and not sure if you will receive this message as I see yours was from more than 2 years ago.

I find myself in a similar position you described here. Partner has been having an emotional affair, mostly by text message, for 3+ years. We are considering whether he has Asperger's / ASD which is what led me here and to search for 'infidelity'. It does seem ironic to me that someone who struggles so much with emotional connection would have this kind of affair. Would make more sense if I had! It's been me struggling with the lack of connection for years (married for 20+ yrs). 

I've read the comments with interest... my own understanding so far is that the the connection with the affair partner took on a kind of particular intensity because of the Aspergers ( if that diagnosis is correct). He doesn't click with many people and this woman became a sort of new hobby / special interest. 

But I am unsure if I am just looking for a reason to stay... and ASD would allow me to make a more generous interpretation of his actions. When perhaps the affair is just a giant red flag. Partner is open to the possibility of ASD and there are other reasons it does seem to make sense of many other things. 

Anyway... if you get this, be glad to know how this has panned out for you / any tips or wisdom learned along the way.

Ah. Well, my apologies. I had thought you read the initial post re: 'narcissistic traits' :) 

I'm not sure what you're confused about. If it's the analogy, I can explain if you're interested. I've tried to keep my response tailored to this particular post.

In my opinion and in my mid 40's, I've been through enough relationships and have had friends, family members and wise enough grandparents, etc., to know when an investment isn't equal, respect is not being afforded and trust has been well beyond broken. There are enough 'Red Flags' in that initial post in my opinion, to make an exit strategy. Humans aren't for using and disposing of. Kindness and Respect toward the one person we build a life with should be base. Everything else is icing on the cake! 

Sorry, but your response makes no sense to me. Also, who mentioned narcissist? I certainly didn't. 

JustMe Here's the best analogy for the reply: If you want to find the centre, swing the pendulum all the way to one side. From the information in the post, there's too much to unpack, including how women compete and breaking trust, but it all leads to the exit (even if that turns into a do-over). Women have ended up compromised from things their male partners have kept hidden with other men - secrets and exclusions do not a marriage make. Add, I wouldn't drop a clinical term like narcissist but on a rare occasion. However, my personal response isn't always advice. Just a new perspective. 

Absolutely, yes, it is possible to be Autistic and not a nice person. I've sadly met several Autistic people who are horrible. However, their horrible personalities have been independent of their Autism.

In terms of how Autism might be contributing to his behaviour...some Autistic people find it hard to see the point of view of others, and as you might have seen by some of the comments, they view things in quite a black and white way. Perhaps he doesn't quite understand why being very close with someone behind your back in a secretive way might be alienating and hurtful for you as his partner, just because sex/romance aren't involved? His possible Autism could be having an impact on that. It's hard to say without hearing more about his symptoms or his usual behaviour. There's a saying that goes, 'If you've met one person with Autism, then you've met one person with Autism'. We are all so different; it's hard for us to comment unless we hear more about your partner, what makes him think he's on the spectrum, etc.

NAS73828 said:

It's wearing and I have a right to my own life.

correct,  of course you do !

at best your relationship has taken a huge knock.....  its you that has to decide the direction  you want to go in ..... 

so take some time out  ( like a month - 6 months ) and maybe discuss it with a close friend or relative  who knows you both to get some accurate input into your true situation. 

see what he does in a this period without her while you decide what to do 

agreed.  if my partner was worried bout me seeing someone basically i would risk losing my partner unless   .......

I totally get where you're coming from - he probably thinks that he's technically down nothing wrong but his immaturity has cost him more than he realises.     You need to look after yourself - I agree that he's grossly overstepped what is acceptable.

You need to look at the reality of splitting up - you might severely damage your own standard of living - and being on your own in later life is not ideal - you might need to cool of and be pragmatic about your options - leaving might not be the right answer unless you can have some good outcomes.

You don't want to end up cutting your own nose off just because he's an immature idiot.

Yes, we've had several conversations now and he immediately stopped any connections with her (allegedly, I basically don't believe a single word he says now). He wants to keep our relationship going but I'm not sure I do. He fails to understand that he'd not only been knowingly deceiving me for 3+ yrs he's also put into question the last 30. For me, I feel his mask has slipped and I do not like what I'm seeing. He also did something that I feel was such a huge betrayal I know I will never forgive him for it. So, yeah, life is good right now. 

dunno, it maybe, i rely on google so could be wrong lol
unless i got mixed up with the wrong term.

Err, that's just incorrect.

He sounds very immature - which is quite common - you've grown up and matured - he hasn't.   

He's loving the attention - it's obviously very exciting for him-  but his immaturity is blinding him to the damage he's causing to his main relationship with you.

I see two options - this little obsession will suddenly end when she finds someone younger / more interesting and he'll gets dumped or you need to sit him down and explain in very small words whet he's doing to you and ask him what he thinks his options are - coldly, (without emotion is preferable) ask him what he really wants to do - get him to do the hard thinking about his reality - don't get emotional - it might force him to make rash decisions - you need him to be thinking clearly.

Get him to explain where he thinks this is all going and what outcome he really wants - then you'll know where you stand - and what decisions you might have to make..

narcissism is a love for ones self though, and a type of love in which you dont need another person, all you need is a mirror and be gazing at your own reflection all day long, like narcissus did lol

He only figured out, maybe 4 years ago, that he's probably AS. I am very independent and just took his many many obsessions as being part of him. I have definitely lost patience over the past few years and the final straw came for me with the last "hobby" he took up. This was before I knew about the girl but certainly I have given up trying to be interested in all his various obsessions/hobbies. It's wearing and I have a right to my own life.

If he is narcissistic, he says he is and he should know, then he has an over-riding desire to be admired (which he does, that's a fact, diagnosed or not). Oh, and it is never the other half's fault when a spouse cheats (assuming no physical or psychological abuse).

Granted. But how many 26yo do you know who see a 60yo on a regular basis and who email, whatsapp video call every couple of days? Their communication is juvenile in  essence i.e. something I would expect of young teenagers. My therapists point was, why is this girl in such a relationship? It is not "normal" as in it pretty much never happens. I personally think she has "daddy" issues but this is getting off topic as I don't care about her.