AS partner cheating

Relationships are about intimacy and connexion. Bonds of any sort shared and kept secret, classify as affairs. I can't trust someone to have my best interest who's heart is with another or make informed decisions when kept in the dark. If I use the analogy of money, it can make more sense. If I'm investing into a different bank and slowly withdrawing from the one I was with, it's hard evidence to see where my loyalty lies. 

Regardless of what sort of issues or help is needed, regardless of the point he's at in his journey, if he was willing to chose someone over you and keep that hidden, then he's probably not worth your return investment, sadly. The hard part here can be counting the time invested as a loss or the vision of a future as void. But honestly, I would cut all ties, put time and distance between you, delete his number and see if life is greener without him? Maybe after a few years he sorts himself out and decides he wants to earn back your trust. Maybe not. But I'd save the drama for a therapist and hit delete. 

Not all relationships are about intimacy. Platonic friendships aren't usually intimate. If the guy was seeing another man, purely as a friend, maybe because he shares an interest that his wife doesn't like our understand, would you say he was cheating then? I agree that one can cheat romantically, without sex being involved, but if neither are involved, they're just friends! It feels to me like there's far more to this than has been shared here. The OP could well be at fault, we just don't know. So advising she leave him is a bit extreme. 

Not all relationships are about intimacy. Platonic friendships aren't usually intimate. If the guy was seeing another man, purely as a friend, maybe because he shares an interest that his wife doesn't like our understand, would you say he was cheating then? I agree that one can cheat romantically, without sex being involved, but if neither are involved, they're just friends! It feels to me like there's far more to this than has been shared here. The OP could well be at fault, we just don't know. So advising she leave him is a bit extreme. 

Ah. Well, my apologies. I had thought you read the initial post re: 'narcissistic traits' :) 

I'm not sure what you're confused about. If it's the analogy, I can explain if you're interested. I've tried to keep my response tailored to this particular post.

In my opinion and in my mid 40's, I've been through enough relationships and have had friends, family members and wise enough grandparents, etc., to know when an investment isn't equal, respect is not being afforded and trust has been well beyond broken. There are enough 'Red Flags' in that initial post in my opinion, to make an exit strategy. Humans aren't for using and disposing of. Kindness and Respect toward the one person we build a life with should be base. Everything else is icing on the cake! 

Sorry, but your response makes no sense to me. Also, who mentioned narcissist? I certainly didn't. 

JustMe Here's the best analogy for the reply: If you want to find the centre, swing the pendulum all the way to one side. From the information in the post, there's too much to unpack, including how women compete and breaking trust, but it all leads to the exit (even if that turns into a do-over). Women have ended up compromised from things their male partners have kept hidden with other men - secrets and exclusions do not a marriage make. Add, I wouldn't drop a clinical term like narcissist but on a rare occasion. However, my personal response isn't always advice. Just a new perspective. 

NAS73828 said:

It's wearing and I have a right to my own life.

correct,  of course you do !

at best your relationship has taken a huge knock.....  its you that has to decide the direction  you want to go in ..... 

so take some time out  ( like a month - 6 months ) and maybe discuss it with a close friend or relative  who knows you both to get some accurate input into your true situation. 

see what he does in a this period without her while you decide what to do 

I totally get where you're coming from - he probably thinks that he's technically down nothing wrong but his immaturity has cost him more than he realises.     You need to look after yourself - I agree that he's grossly overstepped what is acceptable.

You need to look at the reality of splitting up - you might severely damage your own standard of living - and being on your own in later life is not ideal - you might need to cool of and be pragmatic about your options - leaving might not be the right answer unless you can have some good outcomes.

You don't want to end up cutting your own nose off just because he's an immature idiot.

Yes, we've had several conversations now and he immediately stopped any connections with her (allegedly, I basically don't believe a single word he says now). He wants to keep our relationship going but I'm not sure I do. He fails to understand that he'd not only been knowingly deceiving me for 3+ yrs he's also put into question the last 30. For me, I feel his mask has slipped and I do not like what I'm seeing. He also did something that I feel was such a huge betrayal I know I will never forgive him for it. So, yeah, life is good right now. 

He sounds very immature - which is quite common - you've grown up and matured - he hasn't.   

He's loving the attention - it's obviously very exciting for him-  but his immaturity is blinding him to the damage he's causing to his main relationship with you.

I see two options - this little obsession will suddenly end when she finds someone younger / more interesting and he'll gets dumped or you need to sit him down and explain in very small words whet he's doing to you and ask him what he thinks his options are - coldly, (without emotion is preferable) ask him what he really wants to do - get him to do the hard thinking about his reality - don't get emotional - it might force him to make rash decisions - you need him to be thinking clearly.

Get him to explain where he thinks this is all going and what outcome he really wants - then you'll know where you stand - and what decisions you might have to make..

He only figured out, maybe 4 years ago, that he's probably AS. I am very independent and just took his many many obsessions as being part of him. I have definitely lost patience over the past few years and the final straw came for me with the last "hobby" he took up. This was before I knew about the girl but certainly I have given up trying to be interested in all his various obsessions/hobbies. It's wearing and I have a right to my own life.

A big problem with relationships with ASD people is that you will grow and mature - and change.    We tend to be eternal children working very hard to play in the grown-up world,      I've been married over 30 years to a 'normal' wife.     I have many, many parallel 'obsessions' and hobbies and interests - luckily, my wife enjoys the thrill-ride that is being with me.

Does he provide for your emotional needs?    Have you 'moved on' and do you resent his passions?

Thanks, actually for the most part we've had a pretty good marriage. We've always spent a lot of time together and have a lot of common interests. However, his constant obsessions have started to wear me down and in the last few years I've lost patience with them (30 yrs married btw).  He met this girl because of her interest in his latest obsession.