AS partner cheating

Hi, I'm new to this but my partner is recently self-diagnosed AS. He is very intelligent and high-functioning. I just found out that he's being cheating on me in a non-sexual relationship for 3 years with a much, much younger woman  (And, please, before anyone asks, yes, you can cheat without sex or even romance.) Having given this a LOT of thought I think this is more to do with narcissistic personality traits than AS. He's done online tests for various personality disorders and this one fits best to his characteristics, although I appreciate it's all very fluid. Any (helpful) comments or advice gratefully received. 

  • Well, no, it is just excluding you from a friendship. I meet a woman, when out walking, very often, we also often have long talks. My wife knows this happens, but has never met the woman, because my wife does not walk when I do. I wouldn't classify this as 'cheating' in any way. It is just a non-mutual friendship.

  • A big problem with relationships with ASD people is that you will grow and mature - and change.    We tend to be eternal children working very hard to play in the grown-up world,      I've been married over 30 years to a 'normal' wife.     I have many, many parallel 'obsessions' and hobbies and interests - luckily, my wife enjoys the thrill-ride that is being with me.

    Does he provide for your emotional needs?    Have you 'moved on' and do you resent his passions?

  • Thanks, actually for the most part we've had a pretty good marriage. We've always spent a lot of time together and have a lot of common interests. However, his constant obsessions have started to wear me down and in the last few years I've lost patience with them (30 yrs married btw).  He met this girl because of her interest in his latest obsession.

  • I am absolutely NOT implying this is because he probably has AS. I just want to know how this might affect (not excuse!) his actions. 

  • i sorta can feel where hes coming from then socially, but i feel he should have been satisfied with you, unless he didnt feel he was getting enough emotional support or love in some way perhaps? to the point maybe he views you as more a acquaintance than a emotional support confidant partner? 

  • Even my therapist (who I just started seeing because of this situation) said that the relationship was not something she had ever seen before (because of the lack of a sexual element).

    Most therapists have no clue how 'autistic' people function - they are winging it - and taking your money.

  • Again, going behind your spouse's back to conduct a relationship, is cheating.

  • He does find finding friends difficult. The ones he has are very long term and from his youth. That's one of his excuses for conducting the relationship behind my back, he didn't want to lose his "best" friend and he knew that the world, not just me especially, would see this relationship as being "abnormal". Even my therapist (who I just started seeing because of this situation) said that the relationship was not something she had ever seen before (because of the lack of a sexual element).

  • It's cheating when it's conducted behind the partner's back. 

  • I guess it's eminently possible to be an a.hole and AS, or, an a.hole and any other personality trait or disorder.

  • Doing what though?    Do you resent him having female friends or is it the tone / content of the relationship.      sorry to ask intrusive questions but you've not given us a lot to go on. 

  • The issue is him going behind my back for 3 years or more.

  • Not all relationships are about intimacy. Platonic friendships aren't usually intimate. If the guy was seeing another man, purely as a friend, maybe because he shares an interest that his wife doesn't like our understand, would you say he was cheating then? I agree that one can cheat romantically, without sex being involved, but if neither are involved, they're just friends! It feels to me like there's far more to this than has been shared here. The OP could well be at fault, we just don't know. So advising she leave him is a bit extreme. 

  • Just my opinion based on the info provided, but the whole things seems somehow off to me.  The general tone reminds me so much of a very controlling person who was previously part of my life.

  • Relationships are about intimacy and connexion. Bonds of any sort shared and kept secret, classify as affairs. I can't trust someone to have my best interest who's heart is with another or make informed decisions when kept in the dark. If I use the analogy of money, it can make more sense. If I'm investing into a different bank and slowly withdrawing from the one I was with, it's hard evidence to see where my loyalty lies. 

    Regardless of what sort of issues or help is needed, regardless of the point he's at in his journey, if he was willing to chose someone over you and keep that hidden, then he's probably not worth your return investment, sadly. The hard part here can be counting the time invested as a loss or the vision of a future as void. But honestly, I would cut all ties, put time and distance between you, delete his number and see if life is greener without him? Maybe after a few years he sorts himself out and decides he wants to earn back your trust. Maybe not. But I'd save the drama for a therapist and hit delete. 

  • This is what I thought then I remembered an episode of the Simpsons where Homer was told Marge was having an “emotional affair” even though it seemed to be a close friendship. If you never talk to your wife but are very friendly with another lady instead that’s seen as cheating in a non sexual way? I think we do need more info from the OP though. Maybe he was lying about who he was with when he was actually with her? I must admit I’m still confused that it may be implied that he’s seeing this other lady because he has Asperger’s, that doesn’t sound right to me

  • Cheating without sex or romance, that's a new one.

  • and if a friend that we can get a relationship with is found id assume wed be very faithful as we wouldnt want to lose them, as a friend is hard enough to find let alone one who becomes close enough to start relationship with. anyone willing to risk such a loss, is a person who had no trouble getting friends and relations in the first place.

  • Yes - it's rare to find friends - it's normally a meeting of minds - of interests.

  • hmm rather odd, i mean most people with ASD struggle to find any friends or relationship anyway and remain forever alone.... rather rare for one to not only have a relation but also be cheating on that relation and having another. could be that his self diagnosis is wrong or not thought out well enough. what makes him think he has ASD if hes such a stud? lol

1 2 3