How to approach undiagnosed partner with Asperger traits

Hi everyone, 

I've been having serious relationship issues with my partner for the last few years now. To the point where we are both pretty depressed. When describing my partner to my therapist, she suggested he may have Aspergers. I looked it up and there is a lot of overlap with the traits described. It all seems so obvious now. I feel very lonely in our relationship, but want to give it one last shot for our daughters sake. 

What advice would you give as to how to tackle this topic with my partner? I'm worried he will flip out, get very offended and I can even conceive that he will admit to it (he is generally very self-aware).

What would you say the benefit of me bringing it up would be?

At the moment I'm just trying to make things as bearable as possible so don't want to stoke a fire.

Thanks,

  • I wonder if your partner is aware of what adult autism is really like? Or is he only aware of stereotypes? After I was alerted to the possibility of being autistic I researched the condition like a maniac, ticking off all the things that described me. It was a huge relief to find some underlying cause for the way I am. Perhaps introducing him to some positive autistic role-models might be useful - Dan Ackroyd, Anthony Hopkins, Elon Musk, David Byrne (Talking Heads), and Carl Sagan (all diagnosed). 

  • Don't take any advice from Aidie - confrontations will end badly - if we are caught unprepared you will likely get a blunt self-defence mode response - which will escalate - you will not get anything useful from the confrontation.

    It's actually better to have him in a low-stress mode and calmly discuss things without emotion - like a business meeting.        That way, there's no emotions blurring anyone's responses.

    Choose your time too - not at the end of the day when we are at maximum stress and needing to unwind-  you'll get maximum attention at other times.

  • either confront him or leave him 

    A relationship takes 2 people to work at it ,,,,not one person.

    sorry 

  • partner-with-aspergers-traits

    i-m-wondering-if-my-partner-is-autistic-how-do-i-approach-this-please

    These are just two that I found from the Related section (to the right of the main screen). There are many many more to investigate.

    Good luck!

  • The thing is...he keeps saying we're incompatible and he wants to leave, but I usually beg him not to, and he stays.

    That sounds like a bit of a power game - he's testing you.

    I think you need to lay it out for him - but it has to be completely emotionless - random emotions can be confusing to us and it blurs the message.

    You need to tell him straight that although he's quite happy being himself, he's denying your personality - tell him that a diagnosis is up to him - he might find some things out about himself that can be used to make both your lives happier.

    What does he do for fun?    What are his hobbies?    Do you do anything together?

    What do you do for fun?

  • Thanks a lot for your comment. The thing is...he keeps saying we're incompatible and he wants to leave, but I usually beg him not to, and he stays. So I don't think he is worried about keeping the relationship because it couldn't be worse at the moment... He hates the idea that there's something "wrong" with him that I can "use" to blame him for everything that goes wrong in the relationship. Also, he says he's happy with who he is and what's the point of an assessment at his age (he's 60). For me the point is to improve our relationship... But it seems he doesn't care about it anyway... Disappointed

  • I do not believe that your man will consent to attending an autism assessment because he would want to avoid being diagnosed in order to keep and maintain the relationship.

    There are so many horror stories when a relationship ends just after the man is diagnosed with autism.

  • I'm mid 50s - we're off to a model show tomorrow - were also going to the beach to build sand-castles.

    I love this! 

  • We get very isolated because we remember things exactly how they happen - no feelings involved at all.

    Most normal people remember things differently to reality - their brains modify the events to fit better with their personality and also how they wanted to remember the events.   Your truth is absolutely real to you but it may not be the actual 100% recollection of the events - it's very hard for us to deal with this when we are told that we are wrong - when we know we're right - it's a fight we usually avoid or walk away from.

    If you want him back, you need to be straight and open and honest with him - say what you mean - take away ambiguity - it's really worth it.

    You will find that the young man you married is still there - he will still enjoy the fun things you used to do.

    One of our huge bonuses is our eternal youth - what fun things did you both enjoy?    Have you become less fun?    Are you able to let go and be a child again?

    I'm mid 50s - we're off to a model show tomorrow - were also going to the beach to build sand-castles.

    Life doesn't have to become a boring retirement.  Smiley

  • Hello, I just wanted to say that I am in a similar situation, but I couldn't help myself and told him that I thought he had ASD. It didn't go well, and now he thinks I use it to attack him, for example, when he's being insensitive. I bring it up because I think he's selfish. He says even if it were true, how does it matter? I say because it's hurting me, and knowing that you have ASD could help us find coping mechanisms to improve our relationship. I think he makes my depression and anxiety so much worse and I'm at the end of my tether. It's so hard to deal with him. He doesn't support my mental health or emotional needs. In fact, if I'm crying, he ignores me. And so on and so forth. I feel so lonely.

    I think despite his initial first reaction, deep down he thinks it's possible that he has ASD. At least it's something. 

    Sorry this was more of an 'I can relate' post than any help. 

  • Absolutely agree with you PLASTIC.
    For me, it was divorce. Then I met the woman who has now been my wife for more than seven years.
    She worked with autistic Asperger’s and she invited me, with a lot of love, to do the tests.
    At first, I refused, but his love and attention were the strongest.
    Being sincere and true, not having a NT behaviour, may be the solution.
  • Yes that's very true, thank you for your perspective. Sound a lot like the work of Byron Katie. You're right I can ask him to do the things I like to make me feel less alone i.e. eat together, spend quality time together, show interest in me and if he doesn't then I have my answer. Thank you. 

  • Can you say a bit more, I'm not quite grasping what you mean. 

  • Thank you so much for this perspective, I'll keep reading it over. It fits very well into what I've experienced with him and what he has described his life like. Thank you for taking the time, it is much appreciated. 

  • In my opinion, there is nothing worse than being unhappy in a relationship. As I see it, the very reason we couple with people is to avoid this kind of lonely feeling. But, the truth is, at least as I see it, is that even if we do manage to cover up loneliness with a relationship, it's only ever a temporary fix. Sooner or later, we are bound to feel lonely again, because no human being can ever fulfil our every psychological need.  Can you not ask him outright to behave differently to suit your needs? And then if he is unable (or unwilling) to change his behaviours to suit your needs, then you can consider whether it's best to end the relationship.

  • either confront him with the ASD theory or leave him 

    he will probably refuse to get a diagnosis or go to couples therapy.   Happy days if he does.

    so you need to think of moving on, If he refuses to get a diagnosis /couples therapy

    You do not have to bend over backwards for someone so inflexible and uncaring

    A relationship takes 2 people to work at it ,,,,not one person.

    Being scared not to "start a fire" means you are  no longer in a healthy relationship 

    sorry 

  • I second this.

    I had joint therapy with my wife before I was diagnosed... it was useful if for no other reason than having a moderator to keep things calm and provide an unbiased point of view - it forced me to be a bit less manipulative with the truth (which it sounds like your man does if you are painted as 90% in the wrong!)

    I think it would have been even more super-useful if we had the faintest idea at the time that I was autistic.

    RE: Telling your husband

    I suspect most autists would prefer the direct truth rather than trying to be subtle etc.

    If being direct is not going to work for you, how about "accidently" watching a relevant TV show whilst he is near and you can yell out "hey hubby you gotta come see this"...

    For me it was a friend of my wifes who recommended we watch "Chris Packham - Asperger's and Me"... it was f*ing uncanny seeing someone describe so many of my behaviours and thought processes.

    I'm sure there are many other similar shows on YouTube - although I suggest you pick one in the first instance where the protagonist comes across favourably rather than a complete nut job like me.

  • He can always create an argument where I end up as the one in the wrong 90% of the time as he has a whole range of information / facts/dates he can use to support his argument plus he remembers everything I say and do,

    We are often like tape-recorders.    

    If him presenting facts and data annoys you, how do you think he feels all the time?       Is that not a huge big red flag to you about how you treat him?

    What do you do to indulge him and his interests?

  • Driving is like that for me. It's a huge juggling act trying to pay attention while dealing with the features of a modern dashboard.

    I am a good enough driver, but it does fry my brain.

  • You might not accept this  - but 'normal' people lie all the time - about everything - mostly little things  for status reasons - and then seem to just jabber about nothing - it's almost like their way of breathing.  Smiley   

    It's UNBELIEVABLY difficult for us to interface with people who lie - there's nothing solid to base our internal model of them on -  they are totally unpredictable - who knows what lie will be next?     The easy option is to just avoid it.     (eg. facebook is one massive 'Beat The Jones's' fake status game).

    We suffer from stress - and anything unknown or not absolutely clear and controlled creates intolerable stress - we would rather arrive somewhere 3 hrs early to get parked and sorted than arrive late.    Late would be a failure - it's rude and incorrect.   

    Think about all the things that are out of control - it's all stress that we can't cope with.

    As we get older, our ability to deal with all the stress and chaos diminishes until we often burn out and need to reset.

    Our life is like living in a Las Vegas Casino - everything is too loud, too smelly, too sticky, too bright - it's all just sooooo tiring.

    You may have become a mystery to him - if you do the typical 'opposites' game - he might think you're upset - he asks if you're ok - you say yes - he's totally confused.      We cannot play that game - you can become your own worst enemy in that case.

    He might also feel you gang up on him with your friends - he might feel extremely isolated with no way to understand you..