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How to approach undiagnosed partner with Asperger traits

NAS73687

Hi everyone, 

I've been having serious relationship issues with my partner for the last few years now. To the point where we are both pretty depressed. When describing my partner to my therapist, she suggested he may have Aspergers. I looked it up and there is a lot of overlap with the traits described. It all seems so obvious now. I feel very lonely in our relationship, but want to give it one last shot for our daughters sake. 

What advice would you give as to how to tackle this topic with my partner? I'm worried he will flip out, get very offended and I can even conceive that he will admit to it (he is generally very self-aware).

What would you say the benefit of me bringing it up would be?

At the moment I'm just trying to make things as bearable as possible so don't want to stoke a fire.

Thanks,

Parents

  • I do not believe that your man will consent to attending an autism assessment because he would want to avoid being diagnosed in order to keep and maintain the relationship.

    There are so many horror stories when a relationship ends just after the man is diagnosed with autism.

  • in reply to innocent21

    Thanks a lot for your comment. The thing is...he keeps saying we're incompatible and he wants to leave, but I usually beg him not to, and he stays. So I don't think he is worried about keeping the relationship because it couldn't be worse at the moment... He hates the idea that there's something "wrong" with him that I can "use" to blame him for everything that goes wrong in the relationship. Also, he says he's happy with who he is and what's the point of an assessment at his age (he's 60). For me the point is to improve our relationship... But it seems he doesn't care about it anyway... Disappointed

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  • in reply to innocent21

    Thanks a lot for your comment. The thing is...he keeps saying we're incompatible and he wants to leave, but I usually beg him not to, and he stays. So I don't think he is worried about keeping the relationship because it couldn't be worse at the moment... He hates the idea that there's something "wrong" with him that I can "use" to blame him for everything that goes wrong in the relationship. Also, he says he's happy with who he is and what's the point of an assessment at his age (he's 60). For me the point is to improve our relationship... But it seems he doesn't care about it anyway... Disappointed

Children
  • in reply to aidie

    Don't take any advice from Aidie - confrontations will end badly - if we are caught unprepared you will likely get a blunt self-defence mode response - which will escalate - you will not get anything useful from the confrontation.

    It's actually better to have him in a low-stress mode and calmly discuss things without emotion - like a business meeting.        That way, there's no emotions blurring anyone's responses.

    Choose your time too - not at the end of the day when we are at maximum stress and needing to unwind-  you'll get maximum attention at other times.

  • in reply to NAS73794

    either confront him or leave him 

    A relationship takes 2 people to work at it ,,,,not one person.

    sorry 

  • in reply to NAS73794
    NAS73794 said:
    The thing is...he keeps saying we're incompatible and he wants to leave, but I usually beg him not to, and he stays.

    That sounds like a bit of a power game - he's testing you.

    I think you need to lay it out for him - but it has to be completely emotionless - random emotions can be confusing to us and it blurs the message.

    You need to tell him straight that although he's quite happy being himself, he's denying your personality - tell him that a diagnosis is up to him - he might find some things out about himself that can be used to make both your lives happier.

    What does he do for fun?    What are his hobbies?    Do you do anything together?

    What do you do for fun?