Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I've been having serious relationship issues with my partner for the last few years now. To the point where we are both pretty depressed. When describing my partner to my therapist, she suggested he may have Aspergers. I looked it up and there is a lot of overlap with the traits described. It all seems so obvious now. I feel very lonely in our relationship, but want to give it one last shot for our daughters sake.
What advice would you give as to how to tackle this topic with my partner? I'm worried he will flip out, get very offended and I can even conceive that he will admit to it (he is generally very self-aware).
What would you say the benefit of me bringing it up would be?
At the moment I'm just trying to make things as bearable as possible so don't want to stoke a fire.
Thanks,
Have you tried joint relationship therapy? You don’t necessarily have to bring up your suspicions of autism, have you spoken to him about the issues themselves? Autism affects everyone differently you need to know what his specific struggles are really
Yes we've been talking about that recently. He is the one who suggested it. He is always wiling to talk about our issues but the problem those conversations are heavy and lenthy and don't feel like they move us forward. He can always create an argument where I end up as the one in the wrong 90% of the time as he has a whole range of information / facts/dates he can use to support his argument plus he remembers everything I say and do, so these conversations end up being very stressful. I'm open to self-reflection and admitting where I'm wrong, but who could put up with having to do it multiple times a day over simple things like how well I'd rinsed the rice.
Plastic said:I'm mid 50s - we're off to a model show tomorrow - were also going to the beach to build sand-castles.
I'm mid 50s - we're off to a model show tomorrow - were also going to the beach to build sand-castles.
I love this!
We get very isolated because we remember things exactly how they happen - no feelings involved at all.
Most normal people remember things differently to reality - their brains modify the events to fit better with their personality and also how they wanted to remember the events. Your truth is absolutely real to you but it may not be the actual 100% recollection of the events - it's very hard for us to deal with this when we are told that we are wrong - when we know we're right - it's a fight we usually avoid or walk away from.
If you want him back, you need to be straight and open and honest with him - say what you mean - take away ambiguity - it's really worth it.
You will find that the young man you married is still there - he will still enjoy the fun things you used to do.
One of our huge bonuses is our eternal youth - what fun things did you both enjoy? Have you become less fun? Are you able to let go and be a child again?
Life doesn't have to become a boring retirement.
Can you say a bit more, I'm not quite grasping what you mean.
NAS73687 said:He can always create an argument where I end up as the one in the wrong 90% of the time as he has a whole range of information / facts/dates he can use to support his argument plus he remembers everything I say and do,
We are often like tape-recorders.
If him presenting facts and data annoys you, how do you think he feels all the time? Is that not a huge big red flag to you about how you treat him?
What do you do to indulge him and his interests?