Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I've been having serious relationship issues with my partner for the last few years now. To the point where we are both pretty depressed. When describing my partner to my therapist, she suggested he may have Aspergers. I looked it up and there is a lot of overlap with the traits described. It all seems so obvious now. I feel very lonely in our relationship, but want to give it one last shot for our daughters sake.
What advice would you give as to how to tackle this topic with my partner? I'm worried he will flip out, get very offended and I can even conceive that he will admit to it (he is generally very self-aware).
What would you say the benefit of me bringing it up would be?
At the moment I'm just trying to make things as bearable as possible so don't want to stoke a fire.
Thanks,
Have you tried joint relationship therapy? You don’t necessarily have to bring up your suspicions of autism, have you spoken to him about the issues themselves? Autism affects everyone differently you need to know what his specific struggles are really
I second this.
I had joint therapy with my wife before I was diagnosed... it was useful if for no other reason than having a moderator to keep things calm and provide an unbiased point of view - it forced me to be a bit less manipulative with the truth (which it sounds like your man does if you are painted as 90% in the wrong!)
I think it would have been even more super-useful if we had the faintest idea at the time that I was autistic.
RE: Telling your husband
I suspect most autists would prefer the direct truth rather than trying to be subtle etc.
If being direct is not going to work for you, how about "accidently" watching a relevant TV show whilst he is near and you can yell out "hey hubby you gotta come see this"...
For me it was a friend of my wifes who recommended we watch "Chris Packham - Asperger's and Me"... it was f*ing uncanny seeing someone describe so many of my behaviours and thought processes.
I'm sure there are many other similar shows on YouTube - although I suggest you pick one in the first instance where the protagonist comes across favourably rather than a complete nut job like me.
But you're right I do need to understand his world.
Yes we've been talking about that recently. He is the one who suggested it. He is always wiling to talk about our issues but the problem those conversations are heavy and lenthy and don't feel like they move us forward. He can always create an argument where I end up as the one in the wrong 90% of the time as he has a whole range of information / facts/dates he can use to support his argument plus he remembers everything I say and do, so these conversations end up being very stressful. I'm open to self-reflection and admitting where I'm wrong, but who could put up with having to do it multiple times a day over simple things like how well I'd rinsed the rice.