Published on 12, July, 2020
Does anyone else struggle sometimes to do ‘appropriate’ greetings? You know, as the social skills textbook instructs, especially when hugely distracted by something else? Usually I can manage it, but this morning I may have managed to diversify!
I happened to need to pop to the Scout shop this morning to buy some badges for my Beavers. After I got out of my car I realised that there was what looked like a dead hedgehog by the side of the car park. So I had to stop for a few minutes to investigate whether a) it was actually a hedgehog, and b) it was actually dead. So after establishing those facts, I walked into the shop and rather than doing the textbook greeting, I just said “there’s a dead hedgehog in the car park!” Luckily they were fine with it, they even asked what group scarf it was wearing BUT this really isn’t the appropriate way for me to greet people who I haven’t seen for a few months!!
I always find this weird as well, hear everybody around me in work saying "how was your night? good good" clearly not having listened to the response and I keep thinking everytime "why did you ask if you don't care". I seriously think it's stuff like that which is to blame for my last of answering questions about myself properly as I assume it's more politeness and they don't actually care. Then you get into that whole crap of is it not polite to not ask them questions back even if you don't want to know?
Kitsune said:I think it's really impressive, given that you have dyspraxia, that you managed to achieve bass playing, caving and rock climbing! Well done!
Aah, thank you. As I said, my dyspraxia is pretty mild, and somewhat paradoxical - I seem to be OK with even fine control once I've conditioned myself to have a muscle memory for something; it's when I have to think my actions through or use my other senses as well that I seem to struggle the most (so the learning can be painfully slow sometimes, and I doubt I'll ever get the hang of touch screens!) To be honest, I was never a very good rock climber, which is part of the reason I took up caving - when you're dressed in a wet-suit and wellies, no-one expects you to be particularly graceful, and I've considered wearing the helmet and knee/elbow pads just to wander around the house sometimes!
I'm guessing that a 'rock climbing hold' might be a tad too much for a hand shake! I think it's really impressive, given that you have dyspraxia, that you managed to achieve bass playing, caving and rock climbing! Well done!
I'm not a naturally huggy person. I don't mind people giving me a hug hello but I'm not generally one to initiate it, so I tend to go with not hugging anyone unless they are the hugger! I do get what you mean though, I would be a bit offended if someone assumed that I didn't like being hugged and hugged everyone else apart from me. It's difficult though, if we don't feel comfortable enough to offer a hug to people!
Anyone else have any ideas for this?
It can take a long time to work out that things do actually bother us; that we don't want to 'do' them anymore and manage to stand up to people about it. Especially when they have been used to us playing along for years!
:-) I guess that 'novel' greetings such as these are slightly more relaxed and a break from the norm.
I find hand-shaking awkward, too; not helped by being a bit dyspraxic, so my aim isn't very good and I can find it hard to tell how hard I'm squeezing (I've been a bass player, caver, and rock-climber over the years, so I have a surprisingly strong grip for someone who looks so wimpy).
Hugs, I find even more confusing. Some people seem to hug just about everyone in their social circle, others seem to be very selective, and I don't seem to be able to read whatever body language it is that indicates that one is appropriate unless they really obviously open their arms to receive one. I can't work out at all what different people's boundaries are for how well they need to know someone before it's appropriate, and I think my anxiety about it probably makes my body language look very defensive, so I don't look as if I'd want one anyway, even if I would. By the time I've procrastinated about it, the moment has usually passed anyway, and then I've set a precedent that I don't hug, so the anxiety is even worse the next time because I worry that offering one would seem out of character. I would guess that most people I know think that I just don't like to do it, which isn't true at all; but then that leads them to stop offering hugs, so I also get anxious that people will notice that I'm the only person not being offered one, etc. Aaargh!
When I was a younger man I used to enjoy the random greeting I would get or give among my friends and acquaintances, where I grew up we had a milk man who would shout how do chicken when we would pass him on the way to school. I even had a friend who for the best part of a year would greet well anyone he met with how the devil a strange abbreviation of how the devil are you which always made me chuckle.
I just go with "Not a lot, how about you?" these days. I figure that this is probably a kind of correct answer, in the sense that I take the question to mean something along the lines of "have you heard any tasty gossip that I might like to hear?" - which I'm very unlikely to have done, and I wouldn't pass on anyway because I hate to talk about people behind their backs.
I don't tend to do handshakes unless the other person initiates it. I think how firm a hand shake you do is a personal thing, I would do a reasonably light handshake regardless of who it was with.
I honestly think much to the way I greet people hello, hi, how you doing - answer not to bad, never to be answered honestly It did actually take me some time to learning that one, I must say though saying goodbye feels odd so I just say see you tomorrow or see you again or ta-ra. Its the hand shake that confuses me do men and women shake hands if so is there a difference other than the firm grip?
This makes me think of an interesting contrast. How things that most people consider normal, we may consider stressful. Yet, situations in which most people would be really stressed, we remain a scene of calmness and tranquility!
Back to the point that I made above, people shouldn't really ask a question to which they do not want to know the honest answer.
My standard response is 'I'm good thank you, how are you?' as I've accepted that it's just a random social nicety that one is expected to play along with!
What a brilliant response!
So much to think of in there, as it illustrates perfectly the almost total mismatch with what typical people *think* might cause stress, and what actually *does*; how what many people consider to be "just living" is actually stressful. Many things in the "just living" domain keep typical people happy, or at least give them a little buzz about being human, but the reverse for us and that never crosses most peoples' minds. Funny; one typical response to "I'm getting stressed" is "Want to talk about it?" - no that's what's stressing me!
In the film Eraserhead someone says "well what do you know Henry!" and Henry looks terrified and says something like "I don't know much about anything really..."
A friend was today confused about ASD and decided to try digging into things that I find stressful, especially at work.
"Give me an example, what causes stress in the office?"
So I looked at him, replied, "I walk in the door, someone sees me, says, 'Hi, how are you?'" and stopped talking.
He looked back at me, waited for me to continue, then paused, realised I'd finished, and sat there quietly processing. It hadn't even occurred to him that this might be a challenging conversation, a difficult interaction, a minefield that has to be negotiated and source of trauma with attendant post-traumatic stress, replaying the response, the following conversation, the impact that's had on the person and how they perceive me.
"How do you deal with that?" he eventually asked, so I told him that in my 30s I learned that the correct response was to lie and just say that you're ok.
I didn't want to upset him so didn't mention how very difficult that can be, how the words seldom match the tone or expression, how frustrating it is that I have to lie like that. I don't think he's ready for that reality yet.
He hasn't had to deal with it multiple times a day for several decades.
I used to do random greetings like that when I was at primary school! Has your dad changed his greeting to you yet?
The “how are you mate?” question brings me to a recent discussion between myself and one of my autistic friends. When most people ask you how you are, they don’t ‘really’ want to know ‘how’ you are, it is simply a social pleasantry to ask people how they are and the socially acceptable response is to say “I’m good thank you!” accompanied by a big beaming smile, even if you are really fed far from good. We were wondering what the actual point in this is? Why ask a question to which you do not wish to know the honest answer?
The yorkshire greeting seems confusing! What is the correct answer?
My dad's stock greeting is "What d'ya know?" and over the years I've railed against it with things like "Pi is approximately 3.141" and "A light year is the distance that light travels in a year" and so on. To which he replies "Ahhhh......".
I find the question ones the worst, too. Even now, if I'm flummoxed, which I often am when I just enter a different environment, I'll go for one of my classic literal descriptions; "How are you mate?" - "Very sweaty", "A bit damp", "My undies have ridden up my bum crack", or such like.
The ones where you can answer by just repeating the question aren't too bad these days. But when I first moved up to West Yorkshire, I encountered my nemesis; "Wass'tha noorthen?" It took my softie-Southerner brain long enough to work out that this meant "What do you know, then?". And after that - Aaargh! Know about what? Do I just pick a favourite trivia subject? Is there something I'm supposed to know?
Just to throw a spanner in the works, it's sometimes extended to "Wass'tha noorthen, owt o' nowt?" (What do you know, then, anything or nothing?) You would think that the binary options would be easier, but no, it's just a red herring.
Yes I think so - looking back on it now, it was a direct conflict between the logical, Mr Spock like effect caused by my autism and alexithymia, and mum's "family is everything" coming from her place in a huge (8 siblings & everyone mucks in) traditional family. It's like it's taken 50 years for me to get the word "Noooooo!" out in response to that, in extreme slow motion.