older parent nightmare

This sounds similar to the kind of relationship that my adult son and I have with my 70-year-old mother. I have no advice, but I feel I can relate to how the frequent unwelcome phone calls are causing you to feel.

Sometimes my mother phones because she desperately want to hear the sound of my voice and to know that I'm ok. Sometimes she phones because she's feeling desperately lonely and just wants someone (anyone) to talk to. Sometimes she phones because she requires help with tech and doesn't feel there is anyone else she can approach for help.

If my mother phones my son's mobile and doesn't get an immediate response, she will then try phoning me on the landline. She will continue to bombard us both with phone calls until she gets a response. When she phones my landline, it is not uncommon for me to stick my fingers in my ears and walk into another room, as hearing the sound of her voice leaving a message on my answer machine is often more than I can tolerate, and often causes me to want to explode.

If we don't respond to my mother's calls within 24 hours, she then gets agitated and anxious, to the extent that she then guilt-trips us. We know she struggles, and we have tried explaining as patiently and politely as we can that we struggle too, and cannot always be at her beck and call.

There is only one solution to this: change your number …. Today. Or next time she calls pretend to be a takeout place “hello, Rab’s Kebabs” she’ll soon get the message. 

Kidding…but this sounds like torture … they should adopt that somewhere and experiment with it to extract info and break people …… promise to talk and we will stop calling you!! Otherwise it’s gonna be 4 times … every day!! 

. Although personally I’d get to the stage quickly where I’d stop answering for a few days and call back when I’m in the right place to talk to her. Let’s call this out though… the phone ringing feels terrible, an intrusion and the surge of frustration washes over you. At least I fell that … and she’s not even calling me. Although I do have a friend who called two or threee times a day … every day … to talk about literally nothing of importance. It really frustrated me and I ignored him in the end as told him it bothered me … he stopped calling some weeks later…. Life is better. Blunt? Yes. Worth it? …. Also yes. 

I would try again to set boundaries and if she continues to emotionally blackmail you (which she is absolutely doing) then call her bluff and say “well if that’s how you feel I’m sorry, but I too need space and have things I need to to”. It sounds like it needs to get to that stage for her to realise. Also, it’s possible she may have some dementia ? Maybe she doesn’t realise she’s calling all the time? Has it always been like that? If she’s always done this then let’s go nuclear!! 

On the flip side, my parents never called me unless I was being used for something, so it’s nice they do, but can totally understand how this feels like an intrusion and a draining. I did laugh when you said she even talks about your dad while he’s sitting right there …  poor guy just sitting there as well no doubt soaking it up. He’s maybe the one who’s directing this so he can get peace? To summarise :  ignore her for a few days with just quick texts to say you’re ok, then tell her straight up and call her bluff if she manipulates otherwise it will never end. Thank for sharing 

I meant to write ‘a regular time each day’. 

What is your mother’s mental state? Could she have early stage dementia? That can result in things like this sometimes. If she is open to it I would suggest maybe setting a regular  each day when she can phone you and have a 20 minute (or whatever length of time seems best for you) chat - so that you can bring some sense of control and order to this situation. If possible try to explain to your mum in the kindest way possible that you’d like just one call a day. It’s how you say this that will help her to understand that it’s not a rejection of her - but that you need to do this because you have your own demands on your time and need for peace that mean erratic frequent calls make life difficult for you. Hopefully you can find a way to make this better for both of you. Could you talk to your dad too about this - maybe he could be supportive in helping your mum to be content with one call a day? 

thanks.

I totally understand not telling her. I haven't told and will never tell mine, she's nearly 80 too.

There is a chance that you are finding it harder ro deal with simply because you're dealing with a lot right now. This is what I keep telling myself when I get irritated by my mom.

however, knowing that probably doesn't help.

I've found that being proactive is the best strategy. Figure out what you think you could manage and then clearly set the boundaries. With my mother I've assigned her the first Friday of the month. I either go to hers and complete whatever list of jobs she's created for me or i take her out. i've made all general communication text only, we've agreed that unplanned phonecalls mean there's an emergency.

Once you've figured out what you can manage, then the proactive part is not waiting for her to call you  but making a point of seeing her/ calling her specifically to have the conversation.

If shes currently saying things like "i won't ever ring you again" reactively then that suggests shes not entirely happy with the way things are at the moment either. so perhaps start with that "i've noticed you get frustrated when I dont answer the phone. I don't always answer the phone because it interrupts whatever I'm doing, its the same when anyone calls me, not just your calls. i find it hard to properly concentrate on our conversations when ive been concentrating on something else before the phone rang. We should agree to catch up regularly for 10 minutes at a set time and then we wont be frustrated and can have a proper chat. what time would work best for you?" ending with a simple question always helps ;)

Knowing when the call is going to be might help you plan in advance ways to navigate the conversation away from her intrusion into things you dont want to share.

i havent told her about my diagnosis, she has they typical sterotypical view of autism and wouldnt understand.  her behaviour isnt new but i guess it getting harder to deal with.  if i visit she moans about people and my dad while he is there.  if she rings and i dont answer she keeps ringing,  she wants control over everyone and if i try to ignore it she makes me feel guilty.

i have some questions

Have you told her about the diagnosis? 

Is your mother's behaviour new?

these two things would affect how I'd approach this.

My mother is the same. I'm very patient with her. You have to understand that she is very old and her brain isn't functioning correctly. It's best to answer her calls and reassure her that you are ok. At 80, you have to be there for her as she dosen't have long left. Answer the phone, listen to her for a few minutes and then close the conversation politely. Make sure she is ok. I find the phone ringing dreadful. Even mail in the post sends my anxiety through the roof.

I think Stuart's solution is good, ignore but reassure at the same time. 

Your situation sounds very tough, you definitely need to set boundaries for your own sanity, maybe even a set time they can call, as I would be at my wits end of I had to do that. (Thankfully I won't as my own mother had this from her mum and aunt and she won't ever can me now, it's all email).

I get jumpy when my phone rings, and for a while I didn't even answer when I picked up, I waited till I heard if it read a machine message or human telemarketer, until I did it to the assessment people and realised how weird I was being. I am trying to at least say hello now. So I do feel for you!

Ignore some of the calls then just reply with a text to say "I'm ok, no need to worry". Only answer one a day, then go to every other day and see if she gets the idea. It is probably habit.