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older parent nightmare

NAS78944

looking for some advice here really hoping someone can help.  i was diagnosed recently.    my mother is 80 and doesnt live alone but is ringing me 3 times  a day.  if i dont answer she rings again, never leaves a message.  its driving me insane, she has nothing new to say and she is constantly wanting to know what ive been doing, where ive been, why i didnt answer the phone.  ive tried to politely say, ive already talked to you today but she doesnt care and then will say if thats how you feel i wont ever ring you again, to make me feel bad.  im an adult and im sick of having no privacy. its really affecting my mental health.  im always polite but i cant take much more of it.  how would you approach this.  she doesnt live alone so has company, i wouldnt mind but all she does is moan about people.  what would you do.  thanks

Parents

  • There is only one solution to this: change your number …. Today. Or next time she calls pretend to be a takeout place “hello, Rab’s Kebabs” she’ll soon get the message. 

    Kidding…but this sounds like torture … they should adopt that somewhere and experiment with it to extract info and break people …… promise to talk and we will stop calling you!! Otherwise it’s gonna be 4 times … every day!! 

    . Although personally I’d get to the stage quickly where I’d stop answering for a few days and call back when I’m in the right place to talk to her. Let’s call this out though… the phone ringing feels terrible, an intrusion and the surge of frustration washes over you. At least I fell that … and she’s not even calling me. Although I do have a friend who called two or threee times a day … every day … to talk about literally nothing of importance. It really frustrated me and I ignored him in the end as told him it bothered me … he stopped calling some weeks later…. Life is better. Blunt? Yes. Worth it? …. Also yes. 

    I would try again to set boundaries and if she continues to emotionally blackmail you (which she is absolutely doing) then call her bluff and say “well if that’s how you feel I’m sorry, but I too need space and have things I need to to”. It sounds like it needs to get to that stage for her to realise. Also, it’s possible she may have some dementia ? Maybe she doesn’t realise she’s calling all the time? Has it always been like that? If she’s always done this then let’s go nuclear!! 

    On the flip side, my parents never called me unless I was being used for something, so it’s nice they do, but can totally understand how this feels like an intrusion and a draining. I did laugh when you said she even talks about your dad while he’s sitting right there …  poor guy just sitting there as well no doubt soaking it up. He’s maybe the one who’s directing this so he can get peace? To summarise :  ignore her for a few days with just quick texts to say you’re ok, then tell her straight up and call her bluff if she manipulates otherwise it will never end. Thank for sharing 

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  • There is only one solution to this: change your number …. Today. Or next time she calls pretend to be a takeout place “hello, Rab’s Kebabs” she’ll soon get the message. 

    Kidding…but this sounds like torture … they should adopt that somewhere and experiment with it to extract info and break people …… promise to talk and we will stop calling you!! Otherwise it’s gonna be 4 times … every day!! 

    . Although personally I’d get to the stage quickly where I’d stop answering for a few days and call back when I’m in the right place to talk to her. Let’s call this out though… the phone ringing feels terrible, an intrusion and the surge of frustration washes over you. At least I fell that … and she’s not even calling me. Although I do have a friend who called two or threee times a day … every day … to talk about literally nothing of importance. It really frustrated me and I ignored him in the end as told him it bothered me … he stopped calling some weeks later…. Life is better. Blunt? Yes. Worth it? …. Also yes. 

    I would try again to set boundaries and if she continues to emotionally blackmail you (which she is absolutely doing) then call her bluff and say “well if that’s how you feel I’m sorry, but I too need space and have things I need to to”. It sounds like it needs to get to that stage for her to realise. Also, it’s possible she may have some dementia ? Maybe she doesn’t realise she’s calling all the time? Has it always been like that? If she’s always done this then let’s go nuclear!! 

    On the flip side, my parents never called me unless I was being used for something, so it’s nice they do, but can totally understand how this feels like an intrusion and a draining. I did laugh when you said she even talks about your dad while he’s sitting right there …  poor guy just sitting there as well no doubt soaking it up. He’s maybe the one who’s directing this so he can get peace? To summarise :  ignore her for a few days with just quick texts to say you’re ok, then tell her straight up and call her bluff if she manipulates otherwise it will never end. Thank for sharing 

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