older parent nightmare

i have some questions

Have you told her about the diagnosis? 

Is your mother's behaviour new?

these two things would affect how I'd approach this.

i havent told her about my diagnosis, she has they typical sterotypical view of autism and wouldnt understand.  her behaviour isnt new but i guess it getting harder to deal with.  if i visit she moans about people and my dad while he is there.  if she rings and i dont answer she keeps ringing,  she wants control over everyone and if i try to ignore it she makes me feel guilty.

thanks.

I totally understand not telling her. I haven't told and will never tell mine, she's nearly 80 too.

There is a chance that you are finding it harder ro deal with simply because you're dealing with a lot right now. This is what I keep telling myself when I get irritated by my mom.

however, knowing that probably doesn't help.

I've found that being proactive is the best strategy. Figure out what you think you could manage and then clearly set the boundaries. With my mother I've assigned her the first Friday of the month. I either go to hers and complete whatever list of jobs she's created for me or i take her out. i've made all general communication text only, we've agreed that unplanned phonecalls mean there's an emergency.

Once you've figured out what you can manage, then the proactive part is not waiting for her to call you  but making a point of seeing her/ calling her specifically to have the conversation.

If shes currently saying things like "i won't ever ring you again" reactively then that suggests shes not entirely happy with the way things are at the moment either. so perhaps start with that "i've noticed you get frustrated when I dont answer the phone. I don't always answer the phone because it interrupts whatever I'm doing, its the same when anyone calls me, not just your calls. i find it hard to properly concentrate on our conversations when ive been concentrating on something else before the phone rang. We should agree to catch up regularly for 10 minutes at a set time and then we wont be frustrated and can have a proper chat. what time would work best for you?" ending with a simple question always helps ;)

Knowing when the call is going to be might help you plan in advance ways to navigate the conversation away from her intrusion into things you dont want to share.

thanks.

I totally understand not telling her. I haven't told and will never tell mine, she's nearly 80 too.

There is a chance that you are finding it harder ro deal with simply because you're dealing with a lot right now. This is what I keep telling myself when I get irritated by my mom.

however, knowing that probably doesn't help.

I've found that being proactive is the best strategy. Figure out what you think you could manage and then clearly set the boundaries. With my mother I've assigned her the first Friday of the month. I either go to hers and complete whatever list of jobs she's created for me or i take her out. i've made all general communication text only, we've agreed that unplanned phonecalls mean there's an emergency.

Once you've figured out what you can manage, then the proactive part is not waiting for her to call you  but making a point of seeing her/ calling her specifically to have the conversation.

If shes currently saying things like "i won't ever ring you again" reactively then that suggests shes not entirely happy with the way things are at the moment either. so perhaps start with that "i've noticed you get frustrated when I dont answer the phone. I don't always answer the phone because it interrupts whatever I'm doing, its the same when anyone calls me, not just your calls. i find it hard to properly concentrate on our conversations when ive been concentrating on something else before the phone rang. We should agree to catch up regularly for 10 minutes at a set time and then we wont be frustrated and can have a proper chat. what time would work best for you?" ending with a simple question always helps ;)

Knowing when the call is going to be might help you plan in advance ways to navigate the conversation away from her intrusion into things you dont want to share.