Feeling overwhelmed when reaching out, does anyone else experience this?

Thanks Lonehare12 

I'm glad for the same reasons as yourself.

I haven’t PMd anyone, but I have typed and deleted things, although not so much recently except to make minor word or typo corrections. I too think Stuart333 has posted good advice.

This community is a good place to learn and to grow through dialogue. In the worst case scenario which is thankfully rare, this community has been tolerant of people who misjudged their responses and then later regreted them. The push back may be uncomfortably strong at the time, but people move on which is good.

Thank you for breaking things down so clearly.

The bit about shutting down when someone points out a social mistake also feels very familiar. 

I’m glad we can talk about these things here without having to hide so much.

I'm so pleased you didn't delete this message. I do the type and delete thing too, so it's good to know I'm not the only one. 

I think the response fromStuart333 has really good advice. We should try to believe in our own voice. I think like you we could try this in small amounts and see what happens.

Yes you can give me a compliment and I can accept it with thanks!! It feels strange though, but nice.

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Sometimes I think that what we are doing on here is psycho-analysis and counselling on the fly both for ourselves and others Lonehare12 so thanks for your response.

Also thanks to the many members on here who by sharing their wisdom have enabled me to make this response!

As to where such issues as adopting humour as a social coping strategy I think this fits in the catagory of "masking" somewhat.

Where this comes from we have the "dual empathy problem" to explain it and our own personal bodies of experience as evidence to back it up.

Also to cite wikkipedia on this 

I never really thought of that as masking behaviour but it makes complete sense. Habit of a lifetime I’m afraid and probably need to throw caution to the wind and give it a go (in small amounts) 

Thank you for the tip!

But what of those things left unsaid? Gone forever. You end up just conversing with yourself if you never press send.

It is part of masking in my opinion. You predict what others will say, then modify what you want to say. In small measure this is normal to avoid unnecessary offence, but if it silences you it is stifling. I think it is an overactive fear response, fear of the unknown, which is worse the more imagination you have.

In truth, you can't know what other people will think. The best way to find out is to press send. If your intentions were good you can always explain and people will come round, even if they might be confused to start with. Trust your judgement. It is as valid as anyone else's, often more so because more thought has gone into it.

But what if not everyone agrees? Some will, some won't. Does it really matter? Do you agree with everything other people say? It is normal. This is the greatest challenge, to believe in your own voice.

Dialogue is how people learn and refine their ideas.

Don’t know if it’s related but I can be that scared of saying the wrong thing that I very often hold back. I have typed so many messages here and deleted them rather than post because of a fear of not saying the right thing. 
Could it be related to how we possibly feel things in our body as in the intensity of emotions when reaching out? 

I have already typed and then deleted so much on this thread. This is why my posts are usually short responses as I’m trying to guess how it will be interpreted by others. 

Lonehare12 said:

accepting compliments

Can I give you a compliment and say thank you for posting a response on a thread I started at the weekend? It helped 

I relate to a lot of what you’re saying.

For me, joking became almost automatic too, I think I learned it young as a way to make things easier socially and to protect myself.

I also struggle with saying the wrong thing without meaning to, and then thinking about it for ages afterward.

It’s interesting how different it seems for NT people,  they often don’t dwell on things the way we do

Thanks Iain it was a sweeping generalisation and I appreciate your taking the time to put me right :-)

I too suspect that combination of cPTSD and difficulties with emotion regulation impact on autistic people in this situation.  Masking in context having links to this.

Phased said:

The impression I get is that neurotypical people (hehe sweeping generalisation there...)  don't seem to be sensitive about the mistakes they make and don't get so "hung up" on them.  

I would be interested to know what others here think about this :-)

I think most people are very sensitive to having their mistakes highlighted but neurodiverse people often have their reactions magnfied through a combination of cPTSD and poor emotional regulation.

I spent 2 decades as a manager where I was typically responsible for the mistake my staff made so I would routinely check their work over in the background and I got plenty of hate from NTs for bringing their mistakes to their attention.

There are ways of doing this to make it less of a confrontation (so I found in my management training) and it can be almost constructive but some personalities really react badly to being found to have been wrong.

Probably the most important thing is not to do it in public - keep it discreet and private if you can and rather than just point out the failing, have a suggestion to get it right next time but use it only if they seem receptive.

This has been my experience.

I strongly suspect that neurotypical people do vast swathes of this social behaviour stuff completely automatically with little care and attention.

Yet I find so much of this to be a very deliberate effort.

Unless I am in automatic "joke" mode which I believe I learned early on is a good way of easing one's journey (except perhaps at funerals, in communication with police officers, when one is in contact with someone who will take the opportunity to feign offence in order to threaten one, - oh blast I'm making lists of things not to joke about - that's probably not a good sign!)

Or in "explain mode"...

I hate to hurt people too.  I have hurt people by saying the wrong thing no end...  Honesty comes out of me in a "bad way" sometimes and I struggle to deal with the consequences.

The impression I get is that neurotypical people (hehe sweeping generalisation there...)  don't seem to be sensitive about the mistakes they make and don't get so "hung up" on them.  

I would be interested to know what others here think about this :-)

Ah the famous Egyptian "Jeli O Na Plaee T" dance.   To do that shows especial talent!  They are telling to sit down in order to not embarrass others in comparison to you.  Under the circumstances I completely understand your modesty. TheCatWoman   :-)

Thank you.

I agree, I too prefer straight, tactful communication.

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ThIs is how I feel too.!!

And I would hate to hurt anyone!!

Maybe that's also why I am so cautious.

I think you’re right about the vulnerability and the feeling of “saying I like you” without meaning to signal friendship.

That pressure is exactly what makes me think twice.

I do like to help people too and it's where I feel most comfortable. I am trying to notice when it might slip into people pleasing.

Thank for the in-depth and thoughtful reply. It does help.

You would be crying with laughter if you saw me try and dance, I went to belly dancing lessons and managed to shimmy really well, boobs moving in opposite directions, bum moving, only none of it was in time to the music, the teacher just watched me with horrified fascination. I often get asked to sit down, if I dance in public.

I agree !!

pietro_21 said:

the feelings of dread and anxiety are often far worse that the reality.

So true.!!

Ooo sounds like anxiety. I get what you’re talking about. Some NT people are like that, but I think it’s probably worse for us with Autism.

What’s weird is that reaching out to people is actually part of my job (I find employment for people with disabilities). But I think I can manage that because I have a direct plan in mind (I’m looking for a job opening. That’s it). It’s when I make a call with less intention or I’m not sure how to word what my request is, that’s when I start to freak out prior to reaching out. Before I make a cold call, I always take a second to plan what I’m going to say and I write out things like my own phone number for if they ask me a question in return.

So maybe with that in mind my advice is to keep it simple? Start with what you need to get across, then worry about niceties or potential responses after that? I’ve heard Autists tend to thrive more with direct communication, so go ahead, be direct.