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Feeling overwhelmed when reaching out, does anyone else experience this?

Lonehare12

I wanted to ask about something I noticed recently about myself.

When I tried to PM someone to thank them for their efforts supporting people here, I felt a really awful, physical feeling in my body, almost dread. I think it might be related to RSD or sensitivity around showing vulnerability.

It felt like because of all the unknowns around it, the uncertainty of it all, I nearly talked myself out of it.

Is this because of my AUDHD or are NT people like this too.

I wonder if others experience something similar?

How do you manage it, and does it help to try small steps, like sending a message or accepting compliments?

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  • in reply to Lonehare12

    Thanks  

    I'm glad for the same reasons as yourself.

  • in reply to Phased

    Thank you for breaking things down so clearly.

    The bit about shutting down when someone points out a social mistake also feels very familiar. 

    I’m glad we can talk about these things here without having to hide so much.

  • in reply to Lonehare12

    Sometimes I think that what we are doing on here is psycho-analysis and counselling on the fly both for ourselves and others  so thanks for your response.

    Also thanks to the many members on here who by sharing their wisdom have enabled me to make this response!

    As to where such issues as adopting humour as a social coping strategy I think this fits in the catagory of "masking" somewhat.

    Where this comes from we have the "dual empathy problem" to explain it and our own personal bodies of experience as evidence to back it up.

    Also to cite wikkipedia on this 

    "Published in 2017, a meta-analysis of three studies, demonstrated that "first impressions of individuals with ASD made from thin slices of real-world social behavior by typically-developing observers are not only far less favorable across a range of trait judgments compared to controls, but also are associated with reduced intentions to pursue social interaction."
    https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5286449/
    That need to mask as a social necessity comes from this I believe.
    There is also what is described as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - "PTSD" which I think personally has a correlate with all the interactions with people that have ended with some form of social exclusion. 
    I suspect myself that the dwelling upon things comes about in this context.  One is constantly re-exploring events in order to come up with a solution.  In doing so relives the experience vicariously again and again - deepening the trauma.
    I continue to struggle with this with episodes where I "shut down" triggered by people highlighting my social inadequacies.
    This is somewhat socially engineered by groups of people that have expectations of behaviour which are founded on neurotypical standards.  Also by individuals who feel threatened by one for whatever reason. 
    It is used as a social control mechanism on one and feeds into the need to mask.
    I have found myself having to rein in expressing my intelligence including how I really feel for example.  Because this can be threatening to some people.  I have social vulnerabilities that are all too easy for them to expose and manipulate to reduce their perceived threat - if this is done by a neurotypical person it is done from a sense of social numerical adavantage...
    Laws against discrimination appear to me to be treated by many as similar to traffic regulations.  If people can get away with breaking them they do - after all, so many other drivers are doing so...  And the risk of being caught is so low...
    One may also be driven by stressors to unmask at a time when what is behind the mask is really not very socially attractive.  This satisfies the need to not be hassled by the situation as one becomes excluded because of it.
    This feeds into social exclusion and regrettably this is not practical from a sense of earning a living for example which despite many of us being capable in so many ways is evidentially problematic.   
    In the wider sense as human beings we need social interaction for our mental and physical well-being.
    So all in all...  "bit of a bummer really isn't it?" :-) oh, there I go, joking and smiling again...
    So, instead, solutions???
     
  • in reply to Phased

    I relate to a lot of what you’re saying.

    For me, joking became almost automatic too, I think I learned it young as a way to make things easier socially and to protect myself.

    I also struggle with saying the wrong thing without meaning to, and then thinking about it for ages afterward.

    It’s interesting how different it seems for NT people,  they often don’t dwell on things the way we do

  • in reply to Iain

    Thanks  it was a sweeping generalisation and I appreciate your taking the time to put me right :-)

    I too suspect that combination of cPTSD and difficulties with emotion regulation impact on autistic people in this situation.  Masking in context having links to this.

  • in reply to Phased
    Phased said:

    The impression I get is that neurotypical people (hehe sweeping generalisation there...)  don't seem to be sensitive about the mistakes they make and don't get so "hung up" on them.  

    I would be interested to know what others here think about this :-)

    I think most people are very sensitive to having their mistakes highlighted but neurodiverse people often have their reactions magnfied through a combination of cPTSD and poor emotional regulation.

    I spent 2 decades as a manager where I was typically responsible for the mistake my staff made so I would routinely check their work over in the background and I got plenty of hate from NTs for bringing their mistakes to their attention.

    There are ways of doing this to make it less of a confrontation (so I found in my management training) and it can be almost constructive but some personalities really react badly to being found to have been wrong.

    Probably the most important thing is not to do it in public - keep it discreet and private if you can and rather than just point out the failing, have a suggestion to get it right next time but use it only if they seem receptive.

    This has been my experience.

  • in reply to Lonehare12

    I strongly suspect that neurotypical people do vast swathes of this social behaviour stuff completely automatically with little care and attention.

    Yet I find so much of this to be a very deliberate effort.

    Unless I am in automatic "joke" mode which I believe I learned early on is a good way of easing one's journey (except perhaps at funerals, in communication with police officers, when one is in contact with someone who will take the opportunity to feign offence in order to threaten one, - oh blast I'm making lists of things not to joke about - that's probably not a good sign!)

    Or in "explain mode"...

    I hate to hurt people too.  I have hurt people by saying the wrong thing no end...  Honesty comes out of me in a "bad way" sometimes and I struggle to deal with the consequences.

    The impression I get is that neurotypical people (hehe sweeping generalisation there...)  don't seem to be sensitive about the mistakes they make and don't get so "hung up" on them.  

    I would be interested to know what others here think about this :-)