Feeling overwhelmed when reaching out, does anyone else experience this?

I'm a terrible dancer!

I try to think of it more like a dance.

It helps although yep, some people are a bit of a drag and physically and mentally.

Being able to disengage is a really critical skill that I wish I was better at - certainly from a work related basis.  A lot easier outside of work to do it though still troublesome as everyone has their problems it seems.

I'm not religious however I believe I read once that saints go to purgatory too!

At which point the words of the song "he ain't heavy..." spring to mind.  Hehe maudling, guilt provoking, but maybe human sentiments? 

Another part for me in contacting people is, will I be able to rid of them or will they cling to me like a limpet and be a drain on me? 

People talk about mindfulness, but mindfulness is a lot more than that. You need to be/feel connected to things that are meaningful to you, more so when you feel overwhelmed.

For me I can feel encroached upon when not totally independent in my actions, by sometimes just touching base with someone briefly is enough to correct a bad feeling. 

Id add also that the feelings of dread and anxiety are often far worse that the reality. When faced with with self watched and experience problems are unfounded and not really problems at all.

Yep social communication difficulties for me too - part of that diagnostic criteria I guess.

possibly linked to feelings of inadequacy of capability in this domain - possibly due to a bias towards recollection of negative experiences 

possibly because this is "hard work" and my brain gets frazzled in context 

this reduces confidence and desire to do this in a somewhat downwards spiral

including being really tough on oneself about ones reaction

As other good people have said.

In so far as the specific example that you cite Lonehare12 that link to vulnerability appears consistent with these hypotheses.

However to compliment is a "nice thing to do" so it surprises that this is specifically tricky.

I believe also for me personally because feeling this would be a sense of "social trade" that underpins this and possible that because it is a "personal" message there is extra pressure.  To do what you outline would in effect be saying "I like your behaviour" and by extension " I like you" and by doing so be indicating a desire for friendship with them.

In context perhaps you might find a not too effusive or embarrassing way to express your support and good wishes for that person publicly when they next deserve it and take it from there?

If they respond to posts you make in similar fashion then I think that would satisfy criteria for friendship perhaps?  

That established the relative risk of rejection to PM might be reduced as you already have a good idea of "which way the wind is blowing".

Of course I might be completely miles off with this!

Anyway, thanks for getting my little grey cells working this morning - I needed some distraction.

Oh that reminds me - one of the ways I've personally mostly overcome social difficulties is by being the one who helps when asked(or even when not!) - making a career out of it.  I think maybe this means we are given permission and a reason for social contact with others which helps if confidence in oneself is low and yet social contact is needed.  Hehe, guess we engage in this a lot in this chat group.

This is a "dual edged sword" as it can leave one vulnerable to "people pleasing" being a primary motivator wherein one becomes vulnerable to exploitation and also to losing one's sense of self.

There's plenty of chance to practice being yourself in this chat-group - I think your asking the question is a really good example of that.

Thanks again.

Best Wishes

I can relate to the-

pietro_21 said:

I feel like this all the time it’s like a wall of dread or anxiety

I like what you said about slowing down too. That's what I'm trying to do, just to focus on the essentials.

It doesn't take the feelings away but it helps to make them more manageable.

I feel like this all the time it’s like a wall of dread or anxiety. I need to know where I am and what I am doing, only doing one thing at a time. If I am sleeping (I am only sleeping) I don’t have room to think about other things. Don’t multitask. Additional mental load can make me anxious, especially with extra feelings like winter weather I just doubt want to do as much or go out which exacerbates the sense of dreading.Mainly I don’t try and do to much, just the bare essentials. 

It’s the uncertainty of future. You have to use you experience and draw on times when you got though it, what were you thinking or doing which kept you calm.

Really it’s just that we like to get ahead of ourselves, those feelings can be a sign telling you to slow down. 

I have this horrible and ridiculous fear that the day I die will be the day someone invents a perfect method of necromancy and I will still get people asking me stupid questions!

I totally get the part about being forgotten when you're dead. That would make me happy...if you can be happy when your dead?

¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

I prefer invisibility too, maybe its because I've stood out for all the wrong reasons?

I've never felt the urge to make a mark on the world, leave a legacy or something memorable, I'd be quite happy to be forgotten when I'm dead. Thats something that scares a lot of people, maybe as you say it's a humility thing, maybe it's something about people who have a better balanced personality, we don't let the ego hold sway? Maybe we're happy being the merest speck of dust in a massive universe?

I realised I think in images, it makes writing easy. But also means I remember a lot of things in detail.

If I can think of a picture to describe something I can remember it easily. If it's a good picture it helps to see problems and solutions.

Like if you build walls too high and cut yourself off, it is like living I the bottom of a well, safe but dark, lonely and trapped.

You need some walls to keep you safe, which is what boundaries are, to stop people running all over your garden.

Okay, I'm going to try.

There is lots of imagery in what you've written, I like that. I can retain the image and refer back to it and use it.

Thank you.

(⁠ʘ⁠ᴗ⁠ʘ⁠✿⁠)

I agree with what you written about being British. I think also there is something about humility in there too, but I think I take it way to far, like I almost make myself invisible.

Confidence is definitely in play too. Maybe I need to build confidence so I can feel worthwhile. I'm not sure which comes first though.

Thank you for your honesty, it helps.

That's good. Listen to the part that wants connection. That's the real you.

It's the protective bit that is trying to cut you off. It is doing its job and protecting you, but it is overactive. It takes colour from the world. You're safe but hidden behind walls.

If you build them too high eventually even the sun doesn't get in. This is quite a hollow life. At least have some windows. 

This doesn't mean you have to talk to everyone, it means you should be able to talk when you would like to. Use the windows, don't hide.

I often feel the same too, I hestitate reaching out to people, especially on here as it all seems a bit of a palaver.

I'm bad at accepting compliments too, I always feel that if I can do it, then anyone can and sort of want to brush off anything that might make me seem exceptional in some way. I think it is lack of confidence, but I also think its someting incredibly British. As a nation we often seem to have a problems accepting compliments, as if its going to invite a take down, you've only got to look at how the national press, particularly the tabloids enjoy building someone up only to drag them through the mire later.

I do always think the worst that is true.

Maybe I could aim for the middle case, that might be achievable.

Part of me wants connection and the other thinks it's better to keep a distance.

I know I'm overthinking things.

Thanks, that makes a lot of sense.

I can see how keeping a bit of distance helps manage vulnerability while still appreciating the support.

I will keep that in mind moving forward.

It's fear of the unknown. In the real world you can see people, you can watch them and maybe guess if it will be well received.

Online you don't really know people. You can get an idea from their writing, but people can also adopt online personas and mask there too.

So sending a message is hard.

Part of it may be because you think the worst. But this is unlikely. You can help yourself by also trying to think of the best case, or even a middle case.

It gets easier with practice. This is the only cure, to train your brain that it is not scary really. Each time it works it weakens the fear. Most people are reasonable. And if the odd person isn't it is unlikely to be your fault if you are thoughtful.

It does get easier :)

Lonehare12 said:

I think it might be related to RSD or sensitivity around showing vulnerability.

I think this is the most likely answer.

You are reaching out while vulnerable to someone who you have given a position of power (through offering you support) and you have no idea if they will react or if they do, how they will react.

Lonehare12 said:

How do you manage it

I would just say "thanks" in the discussion thread and maybe upvote their answer if it was meaningful to me, but otherwise wouldn't say much more unless it meant a great deal to me, then it would be a bit of a longer thanks message.

This site is pretty strict about its privacy stufff so there is no expectation of personalised thanks and the DM system by default requires you to make a friend request, be accepted and only then can you message most of us.

I think it best to keep most things a bit at arms length for the personal interaction with others unless you are looking for friendship.