Why couldn't I have just been made normal?

I think this exchange has shown up the real differences between us Iain; you swallowed a dictionary, whereas I ate a thesaurus!

TheCatWoman said:

that's a dictionary definition, but thats a very black and white way of seeing thing

You admitted on another thread just the other day that you found most other autists seem to thing in black and white so why is this a surprise? 

TheCatWoman said:

you've not only got the culture that we share as people from the same country, but the sub cultures of social groups, geography and most of all our individual family culture.

I get the impression the original poster was not asking about this complex world of greys you refer to hear, but they just struggle with wanting to be like other people in their world and not suffer the effects of their neurodivergent conditions.

It is a simple wish and I believe they are looking for validation and support, not criticism for not considering the wider world in which we live.

What you say is valid but is being a little insensitive.

Yes Iain that's a dictionary definition, but thats a very black and white way of seeing things, life dosen't work quite like that, you've not only got the culture that we share as people from the same country, but the sub cultures of social groups, geography and most of all our individual family culture. Often these cultures are conflicting with few overlaps and that's where the problems begin.

TheCatWoman said:

Define normal?

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/normal

conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern : characterized by that which is considered usual, typical, or routine.

Define normal?

There are a load of different ways you could have born, you could have other disabilities, or none, it's easy to focus on those who seem to sail through life without a care in the world, but are they really so carefree, do they not have thier own crosses to bear? It could be that the cross they have to bear is a lack of understanding about the lives of those of us who struggle?

I understand this. But after such a long time my position is now that the world is intolerant. Therefore it is more at fault than me. Without the constant drive for conformism and the need to placate 'normal' people, we wouldn't feel like this. It makes me angry... and not at myself. I don't want to minimise what you are going through, but here's a question: what if it wasn't the worst thing about you?

Now I know what it is 'Autism and ADHD' too, I don't wish I could be born normal. Before yes, because I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. Now I know my life is a lot easier and I have built up a good support network of kind people to help me. I also have cerebral palsy, I was abused when I was a child, grew up in a peaceful but backward area with few opportunities and had neglectful parents/brother. 

I respect what you are saying though and your anger is total justified. What helped me a lot if finding a neuro-divergent therapist, which is clicked with right away. Now my personal trainer is also Autistic too. So it helps knowing other autistic people I think. I remember when I was 10 at school realizing that I would have cerebral palsy for the rest of my life and crying my eyes out in front of the teacher. It was as you say soul destroying for me. However 20 years later I am able to manage my autism/ADHD and work to start correcting my CP. Its just going to take 2-3 years, then I need to maintain it, and I wish I had moved out of my parents house sooner too. I have a couple friends which I don't see because they live too far away. However I have rebuilt my relationship with my extended family. 

I totally understand what you feel this way too, I wanted to change so much and be normal, but I feel much better knowing I can manage it and explain it to other people. 

Hi - I totally get where you're coming from because this is exactly where I am right now.  I have not been diagnosed but I cannot really see how I could not be given that I have tried many questionnaires and other things and that I have a son who's autistic too.

In one sense it *is* a relief that I understand finally. Putting a name on it does help... well, almost. 

But on the other hand, it does not get me out of the hole I am in or help me understand enough to fix things.,  I am currently struggling to work out how I handle my limitations (alexithymia, monotropism, constant autistic withdrawal).  The fact is that I'm married have two (wonderful) kids and a wonderful wife but have inflicted untold pain and annoyance on them because of this, and it's really hurting me right now and despite the fact that I do have talents that have afforded us a manageable home life-style, it just doesn't make it up to them for the lack of the father/husband they really needed.

I think attitudes to being diagnosed are rather dependant on whether the individual feels that the diagnosis has been imposed on them, or whether they have actively sought a diagnosis as a means towards greater self-knowledge.

I suspect that this makes the difference between thinking, "I have been saddled with something that I can do nothing about and I am helpless", and "That makes sense of my life and experiences and I can now chart a clearer path for myself to avoid or ameliorate certain difficulties".

I'm waiting on a diagnosis and I hate that I went all the way through school without any help and was expected to do normal stuff after leaving school. I wish there a cure but I know saying stuff like that upsets other people. I shouldn't have to be proud of being autistic when it is literally ruining my life. I envy kids who got diagnosis when they were little or people that went to a 'special school'. I understand what you mean.

‘Despise’ is a strong word. 

Perhaps the attitudes of society have lead you to believe that of autism, but many autistic people consider their autism to be an integral part of who they are as human beings rather than something to be despised.

I'm in my mid 60s and awaiting diagnosis. Sure an earlier diagnosis might have helped at certain times in my life, but I don't feel angry at being this way. The only thing that I am angry about is  the attitude of some of the mental and other health workers. I refused a short course of CBT, after it had failed on 2 or 3 previous occasions, and was told by the locum GP that I needed to try  harder !  

I was diagnosed late too (in my fifties) - my youngest child was diagnosed at about 10 years old and my youngest in his 20’s (they were both diagnosed before I was). I understand the feelings of anger and regret that things could have been different. But ultimately the past is gone, and it doesn’t serve us (or our families and loved ones) to keep holding on to anger and regret. If you can try to let go of emotions that are actually toxic to your life now. If you can try to focus on the advantages you do have. For example: can you walk around easily, do you have healthy hearing and eyesight? It’s easy to focus on all our problems and forget what we do have, the advantages we have that make our life better. Ultimately - with practice - we can encourage a happier mindset if we try to change our perspective on our situation. For example I had a dysfunctional childhood with parents who were critical and not affectionate and positive towards me, but I went on to meet my husband and have children and so have a loving family now. I could dwell on what I didn’t have growing up - but what good would that do? It’s better to focus on whatever positives we can. Sometimes if I’m struggling I’ll just go out for a walk and focus on the fact that I can see the blue sky and feel the sun on my face, and hear the birds singing. I try to ‘feed’ the feelings of gratitude and happiness rather than focus on the negatives. 

Yes, things not going as planned can cause difficulties for Autistic people. Our brains work very hard just to process the normal things happening around us. When things happen that have not been predicted, those extra demands can overwhelm our brains and cause acute stress. We can react in many and varied ways to that stress. For example, we might: lose our ability to function effectively, lose our ability to speak, shutdown, meltdown, become irritable, shout in anger, withdraw, etc.

I 1000% understand and feel the exact same way. I was diagnosed about 5ish years ago now and I still hold a lot of anger inside that im not sure I'll ever get past. It's a lot easier said than done accepting something you despise knowing you can never be rid of it or change anything about it. I think being diagnosed as a adult comes with its own challenges aswell because as you said mental health comes into play massively and we know now these things probably could've been prevented or at the very least have had a lesser role should we have been diagnosed earlier in life. 

I ment to say ‘NOT going to serve your interests or make you happy’! 

Hi - I’m sorry you’re feeling like this at the moment. It’s understandable and I think many people feel this frustration at times. I realise it might seem impossible at the moment but the thing to aim for is acceptance of your autistic and adhd traits and to hopefully reach a point where you can embrace who you are. Being autistic is an intrinsic part of your nature and if you hate it you are hating yourself - and that’s going to serve your interests or make you happy. I know everyone is different but for most of us being autistic does have some positive sides - you might have to look quite deeply to find them - but they will be there somewhere! You just have to find them, and value them, and value yourself as a person. 

Your anger and frustration are normal responses to anything that we feel is making our life harder. Don’t try to suppress the anger (I get the feeling you’re not repressing it!) but also don’t ’feed’ the anger by keep ruminating on all the negatives. There ARE negatives for most of us, but accepting that they are there - and trying to mitigate them in positive ways - will make your life a little easier. 

Re. being ‘made normal’ - ideas about normality are not overly helpful. The neighbour you perceive as ‘normal’ has probably got loads of weird problems that you don’t know about. I don’t think anybody is exactly ‘normal’ - we’re all just weird in different ways. Let go of your notions about ‘normal’ and ‘not normal’ - you’re just you and you need to embrace who you are. You need to forgive yourself for your struggles and be kinder to yourself. Please don’t hate yourself or your Austin adhd traits. There’s enough discrimination in this world without us discriminating against ourselves! 

Iain said:

As for those who say "just accept it an embrace it" - well I think that is creating a prison for yourself to be an eternal victim

The implication of "just accept it an[d] embrace it" is not that a people should simply surrender themselves to their dismal fate, but should work with what they've got, as you have.

Sorry you feel so bad about it. 

I can understand your anger after struggling for years thinking your mental health was the only problem. 

I am in my 60s and was diagnosed ASD only last December and I’m on a waiting list for ADHD assessment. Unlike you, my diagnosis of ASD was a huge relief as it removed much of the guilt I carried for most of my life. I have spent years of my life undergoing psychotherapy and taking medications that should never have been prescribed, knowing what we know today. I am hopeful that a potential ADHD diagnosis would be an added bonus as it would fill in the remaining gaps of unexplained behaviour. 

What is normal? Many of us here are late diagnosed ASD and ADHD/AuDHD and many of us would consider ourselves normal. Just because our brains function in a different way to the majority of the population does not make us abnormal. 

Personally, I went through a period when I was really angry at having had most of my life ruined by non recognition of ASD and at being drugged by medication, some of which is so harmful it isn’t used these days. Now I know why I do the autistic things I do and knowing that they are nothing to be ashamed of, my mental health has improved significantly. I have learned lots from this forum, the NAS information pages, books and autism websites. I have picked up some useful strategies to improve my life. I still have moments when the anger recurs, but I realise that I can work only with what I have—this body and brain of mine, not somebody else’s.  

Rant and rage all you need to on this site because it’s good to say what you feel. Hopefully you might come to a point where you recognise your value as a human being worthy of respect is not diminished by ASD/ADHD.

FUB39 said:

Anybody else just wish they could have been made normal?

I did go through a stage of this althought I didn't know most of my issues were caused by autism. It was a dark time but in the end I came to the realisation I may as well hate the sun for being bright, water for being wet or time for passing.

Your ND issues are there and all you can do is work on making them less of a problem so that is what I did over the course of a decade or so. I learned meditation techniques to bring down my stress levels quickly when needed (the stress responses can actualy be very useful in some situations), I learned mindfulness to order my thoughts to shut down catastrophisng, I learned about social interactions and kept trying them until I could mask / script my way through any situation etc.

Focus your anger into something productive like this is my advice. As for those who say "just accept it an embrace it" - well I think that is creating a prison for yourself to be an eternal victim.

If is fair? No. Why should life be fair anyway? Do soliders who die on the battlefield see fair? Do children starving in 3rd world countries because of drought? Do people dying of cancer? Life and society is not fair so your best option is to redress that balance and make your life about improving your lot.

I reached the point in my mid 50s where I could retire early, own my own home, hold down challenging jobs if I wanted or relax and do the thngs that make me happy all day. All through this process.

In life you largely make your own luck and that can be hard but no less hard than wallowing in despair over something that you are capable of making a difference about (not this is not aimed directly at you).

That is my approach and it has served me well. If anything helps you here then I wish you well with it.