I don't feel like I've ever had a non abusive relationship, I've had 4 long term relationships and whilst the abuse hasn't been physical, its certainly been psychological and only looking back do I see how damaging they've been. I'm so much better off on my own and never want another relationship again.
Does anyone else feel the same?
Stuart, you sound like you've had an awful time of it. ((hugs))
I thought I didn't want anyone, so I have been on my own for 27 years. It has been up and down as doing everything on your own,holidays, meals, travel, hotels, days out, even having breakfast everyday, is tough
I was with someone for 7 years and it ended badly with me broken and an emotional wreck. I somehow ended up depressed and pushed her away. We used to do everything together, but it had not been plain sailing for the preceding 6 years.
I thought I was OK, but I broke down in tears at Christmas. I watched a lot of stuff online and went to see a psychologist after being convinced I didn't need one. I realised I have suppressed an awful lot and never really dealt with things. I thought I didn't understand women and was not good enough. It also came out I may be autistic.
I have been really struggling with the idea it was all a double empathy issue and I misread it all. Rather then being depressed I was suffering from burnout. Rather than seek help as she said I shut down and rejected it all. I was so sure I was right and was being manipulated.
She always seemed a bit cold and missed all my gestures of affection. I spent so much effort analysing everything each night I couldn't keep it up (I assume it was masking and I was also scripting). Her mood swings were terrible and I couldn't predict what responses would be coming. I thought there was narcissistic abuse, there may have been as I think she told me on day 2 she was. I didn't know what it meant.
I loved her and fancied as much on the last day as on the first.
I am afraid I pushed away the one person who really loved me and knew me and screwed my life.
The overwhelming sense of loss over the last 4 months has been killing me as I have wondered if my life could really have been very different.
I have always struggled with sleep, for more than 40 years, and episodes of particularly poor sleep I now realise cause cognitive distortions.
Being able to cope on low sleep helped at work, but I did not realise the toll.
I prioritized work and did well till the financial crisis. Things have been less good since then and I have realised I have always done things to please other people and not for myself, have avoided asking for help and probably missed opportunities. Being hyper-independent has not helped. Prioritising work and keeping up an image has not made me happy.
I can't turn the clock back and I have lost a good chunk of my life. It is proving very hard to deal with.
I didn't find anyone else in the intervening period, but I didn't really look and I may well have come across as closed or just missed opportunities too.
There is a bit more to this story too, elements of self harm through neglect, but I can't put it all on here.
I just put it here to say be careful what you wish for, make sure it is really what you want and not a trauma response or a way to hide.
I think there's definitely something in that theory.
Im usually calm in a crisis and very diplomatic, as a kid I was the opposite up till my 30s I would say.
However I still occasionally get that anxious about something that if I was the one who responded I'd blow things completely up. My wife is great at being diplomatic when my fuse has blown. Often find situations where she's led the way although I feel a bit ashamed to say it, as a bloke were meant to always be the one who does (or at least being brought up in the 70/80s we were taught that way)
I sometimes wonder if we subconciously pick friends and partners who we feel are strong enough to protect us in some way? Of course this back fires, because they either don't protect us or it them thats the problem.
Dear TheCatWoman,
Thank you for posting to the Online Community and telling them what you have experienced. We are sorry to hear that you have been in abusive relationships.
Domestic violence or abuse can happen to anyone. Find out how to recognise the signs and where to get help from the NHS Domestic Abuse Helplines: https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/
The National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge) provides support for women experiencing domestic abuse. Open 24 hours per day, every day.
You can find your local Victim Support service by searching online for ‘[geographical area/local police force] + ‘victim support’.
I hope this is helpful to you.
Kind Regards,
Rosie Mod
I've just from a friend who's struggling with the old chestnut about them wanting you to do everything with them, but never wanting to do anything with you, its all got to be about them and thier needs, wishes and likes.
Thinking about it I replied earlier about relationships as in partners, I have had quite a few friends over the years but they have also been in control and always expected me to support them but not the other way around. I did have a so called best friend which the friendship fell apart around 8 years ago. He was always playing games with me and expecting me to listen to his constant rants about his family and how he had been treated badly by everyone. This of course used to affect my mood and general wellbeing and although I was a good friend to him he got very angry one day and threatened me. That was the end of that one but when I think back most of my so called friends have always had some sort of control over me and abusing my kind nature. I have acquaintances now and only one friend.
I've just from a friend who's struggling with the old chestnut about them wanting you to do everything with them, but never wanting to do anything with you, its all got to be about them and thier needs, wishes and likes.
If theres something I want to do, I just plan to do it alone, looking back I've almost never had someone willing to do go anywhere or do anything I've wanted, so I've ended up either not doing it or doing it alone. It would be nice to have someone to share things with, but on the other hand, I don't have to accomodate anyone else, so if I want to stand in front of a picture or display case for ages I can and if theres something that dosen't interest me I can walk past it.
Thank you. I manage. Sometimes it’s okay and sometimes it’s awful but I have 2 children I adore and who need me so life isn’t so bad. I totally relate to what CatWomen said about being asked what I would like to do which ends up being something they want to do, then down the line you get accused of never making any suggestions or helping to organise anything. Very confusing.
I’m really sorry to hear that CatWomen and I am glad to hear that being alone has given you control of your day to day life. I often think about having a peaceful existence but I have been convinced that I wouldn’t manage by myself, sometimes I truly believe that and sometimes I don’t. It feels very risky and a scary prospect at the minute.
I must admit the more I get to know people (partners and friends included) there isn’t many that are genuine or feel trustworthy. It’s a scary world.
Your experience does not match that of all other Irish men and women. As an Irish woman, I do not identify with the women in your description.
Perhaps from a British perspective. But, from an Irish perspective, the women demand that we all become as houseproud as them. The old stories about, "Mummy wouldn't have let us near the table if our room wasn't shining!" I was too withdrawn, and sulky, as a young boy. But, now, I'm even more overwhelmed.
I've found a lot of men are interested in status too and looks, if you don't look or sound right, if you don't do the right things then they don't want you.
I was never in a proper relationship. However, those closest to me kept saying, "It's too dangerous heading out!" and "I don't want anything bad happening to you!" plus that old Chestnut, "I think the World of ye!"
In order to grow, and develop wings, I headed to places behind Gran's back. However, it helped me grow. And I am more capable.
I wanted to get Married, and bcome a Dad. However, the women in my area are obsessed with Homes and Status. Plus, gossip and scandal; My Gran and Mum were the same.
I think we can have self respect and to an extent change our ways, but I think the lack of respect is gradual and it creeps, how does one tell the difference between a genuine mistake, an ordinary spat and whats abuse. I like I said before a black eye is obviously abusive, but the other stuff, thats much more difficult. I know I have problems, especially with things like conflict resolution, being an only child certainly didn't help with this.
But for me the overwhelming thing is so many men my age are so selfish and think they've got a right to have everything their own way. I know there will be lots of people, women in successful relationship and men who will disagree, but this is my experience. I'm really gald that my experience isn't shared by everybody and that there are some men who don't have a massive sense of entitlement.
Some people would encourage me to get back out there and not give up, theres someone for everyone and I haven't found "the one" yet. But, the otherside of that is, continuing a course of action that you know dosen't work and expecting the result to be different.
I've seen some people have the same bad relationship over and over again with a different partner, it's like they've got this ideal in thier heads and are trying to cram someone into it. I think men and women are equally bad at this, but they will resist any attempts to get them to consider that it's thier ideal thats wrong and not the people.
Your reasoning seems undebatable! You surely are better living by yourself than with this kind of people. But (I imagine) there are good men out there, and the reason you (and me) never got involved with one of them is this:
My dad was physically, psychologically and verbally abusive and I seem to have had partners who show different sorts of abusive behaviour, certainly a lot of controlling behaviour.
Don't you think that we (women and men who've had abusive parents) can go on with our life at some point and change our ways, so that we'll be able to have self respect and attract people who respect us too? Or learn how to set boundaries in new and existing relationships?
My dad was physically, psychologically and verbally abusive and I seem to have had partners who show different sorts of abusive behaviour, certainly a lot of controlling behaviour. I think coersive control and psychological manipulation is really difficult as you've nothing to point at that people can see and understand is wrong, iike a black eye or something. It creeps up in the relationship and often I've found myself in to deep to get out easily or assert any control. Like when I moved in with an ex at his invitation and he said he didn't realise I was bringing so much stuff with me, he thought I'd just bring a suitcase with some clothes? I mean like WTF? Then asked me a couple of years later what I wanted to do for my 40th birthday, maybe a long weekend away? I said I'd like to go to the Eden Project in Cornwall, a few weeks later I was informed that we weren't going to the Eden Project or Cornwall, instead we were going to London and the Globe theatre, I refused to go, I hate theatre and London, if I wanted to go to London, then it would of been to galleries and museums. He was always doing stuff like that, asking me where I wanted to go or what I anted to do, I'd say and then find out we were going somewhere completely different, once when we in the car on the motorway.
I've felt in a couple of relationships that being asked what I'd like or where I'd like to go is a trick question, and one I inevitably give the wrong answer too, then a row ensues and I seem to end up in the wrong..again, it just feels like a no win situation. Or, 'I'll take you anywhere in the world you want to go', I suggest a couple fo things, like Cyprus or Scandinavia, even Orkney and end up being shouted at and it all ended up with him saying it was his apartment in Turkey or nothing. The place his apaprtment was was horrible, like the worst of the British seaside with hot weather.
Now I thankfully no longer have a libido, I feel free to see to my own emotional needs and that dosen't include a "relationship" with someone who's going to tell me how to live, wants me to be a one woman service team and pick up all the jobs and stuff they don't want, can't be bothered with or don't want to finish, or do badly. It would be nice to have someone to do things with sometimes, but I think I'd rather go on my own and not have the hassle of someone else. When you live on your own, everything is where you left it, nothing has been rearranged, moved, thrown out or had stuff dumped on it. I don't have to worry about someone chopping onions on the bread board, I can have friends with no one to complain about them, nobody to complain about what I call my cats, what I want to do in the garden and why. Being on my own gives me a sense of inner spaciousness and calm, similar to meditation, it almost feels like living meditation. Something else I find very hard to do when I'm with somebody, I was once told by an ex that they thought I wouldn't want or need to 'do all spiritual stuff, now I had a man', I mean WTF?
I do and I don't. I find myself wanting another relationship but at the same time I don't because I'm scared of getting hurt again. I've only dated one time before, I tried online dating and met a seemingly really nice man but he had a bad temper and would take it out on me. When I had meltdowns he wasn't supportive and would be horrible and say I wasn't Autistic and used it as an excuse. When I tried to leave he apologised and I didn't leave him for a long time because I thought he would change.
The mental and emotional effects his abuse caused me still affects me now, and it's been over 6 years since we broke up. I haven't seen or heard from him since but psychologically I am still feeling the effects of what he put through me.
Now I'm on my own I am happier but I am isolated and lonely. I have no friends and I rarely mix with others, always too anxious. But part of me still wants a relationship but I also don't. It's all very complicated and I can't make sense of it.
