Abusive relationships

I believe I am in one of those, it’s taken me a long time to realise this and it’s going to take me a lot longer to decide when enough is enough. Very complicated situation and not easy for me to break away but I’ve only just started to see how much being controlled and lead around can affect your mental state. I don’t blame you for wanting to be alone, it sounds very peaceful. 

My dad was physically, psychologically and verbally abusive and I seem to have had partners who show different sorts of abusive behaviour, certainly a lot of controlling behaviour. I think coersive control and psychological manipulation is really difficult as you've nothing to point at that people can see and understand is wrong, iike a black eye or something. It creeps up in the relationship and often I've found myself in to deep to get out easily or assert any control. Like when I moved in with an ex at his invitation and he said he didn't realise I was bringing so much stuff with me, he thought I'd just bring a suitcase with some clothes? I mean like WTF? Then asked me a couple of years later what I wanted to do for my 40th birthday, maybe a long weekend away? I said I'd like to go to the Eden Project in Cornwall, a few weeks later I was informed that we weren't going to the Eden Project or Cornwall, instead we were going to London and the Globe theatre, I refused to go, I hate theatre and London, if I wanted to go to London, then it would of been to galleries and museums. He was always doing stuff like that, asking me where I wanted to go or what I anted to do, I'd say and then find out we were going somewhere completely different, once when we in the car on the motorway.

I've felt in a couple of relationships that being asked what I'd like or where I'd like to go is a trick question, and one I inevitably give the wrong answer too, then a row ensues and I seem to end up in the wrong..again, it just feels like a no win situation. Or, 'I'll take you anywhere in the world you want to go', I suggest a couple fo things, like Cyprus or Scandinavia, even Orkney and end up being shouted at and it all ended up with him saying it was his apartment in Turkey or nothing. The place his apaprtment was was horrible, like the worst of the British seaside with hot weather.

Now I thankfully no longer have a libido, I feel free to see to my own emotional needs and that dosen't include a "relationship" with someone who's going to tell me how to live, wants me to be a one woman service team and pick up all the jobs and stuff they don't want, can't be bothered with or don't want to finish, or do badly. It would be nice to have someone to do things with sometimes, but I think I'd rather go on my own and not have the hassle of someone else. When you live on your own, everything is where you left it, nothing has been rearranged, moved, thrown out or had stuff dumped on it. I don't have to worry about someone chopping onions on the bread board, I can have friends with no one to complain about them, nobody to complain about what I call my cats, what I want to do in the garden and why. Being on my own gives me a sense of inner spaciousness and calm, similar to meditation, it almost feels like living meditation. Something else I find very hard to do when I'm with somebody, I was once told by an ex that they thought I wouldn't want or need to 'do all spiritual stuff, now I had a man', I mean WTF?

I’m really sorry to hear that CatWomen and I am glad to hear that being alone has given you control of your day to day life. I often think about having a  peaceful existence but I have been convinced that I wouldn’t manage by myself, sometimes I truly believe that and sometimes I don’t. It feels very risky and a scary prospect at the minute. 
I must admit the more I get to know people (partners and friends included) there isn’t many that are genuine or feel trustworthy. It’s a scary world. 

I’m really sorry to hear that CatWomen and I am glad to hear that being alone has given you control of your day to day life. I often think about having a  peaceful existence but I have been convinced that I wouldn’t manage by myself, sometimes I truly believe that and sometimes I don’t. It feels very risky and a scary prospect at the minute. 
I must admit the more I get to know people (partners and friends included) there isn’t many that are genuine or feel trustworthy. It’s a scary world.