Abusive relationships

I don't feel like I've ever had a non abusive relationship, I've had 4 long term relationships and whilst the abuse hasn't been physical, its certainly been psychological and only looking back do I see how damaging they've been. I'm so much better off on my own and never want another relationship again.

Does anyone else feel the same?

  • Stuart, you sound like you've had an awful time of it. ((hugs))

  • I thought I didn't want anyone, so I have been on my own for 27 years. It has been up and down as doing everything on your own,holidays, meals, travel, hotels, days out, even having breakfast everyday, is tough
    I was with someone for 7 years and it ended badly with me broken and an emotional wreck. I somehow ended up depressed and pushed her away. We used to do everything together, but it had not been plain sailing for the preceding 6 years.

    I thought I was OK, but I broke down in tears at Christmas. I watched a lot of stuff online and went to see a psychologist after being convinced I didn't need one. I realised I have suppressed an awful lot and never really dealt with things. I thought I didn't understand women and was not good enough. It also came out I may be autistic.

    I have been really struggling with the idea it was all a double empathy issue and I misread it all. Rather then being depressed I was suffering from burnout. Rather than seek help as she said I shut down and rejected it all. I was so sure I was right and was being manipulated.
    She always seemed a bit cold and missed all my gestures of affection. I spent so much effort analysing everything each night I couldn't keep it up (I assume it was masking and I was also scripting). Her mood swings were terrible and I couldn't predict what responses would be coming. I thought there was narcissistic abuse, there may have been as I think she told me on day 2 she was. I didn't know what it meant.

    I loved her and fancied as much on the last day as on the first.

    I am afraid I pushed away the one person who really loved me and knew me and screwed my life.
    The overwhelming sense of loss over the last 4 months has been killing me as I have wondered if my life could really have been very different.

    I have always struggled with sleep, for more than 40 years, and episodes of particularly poor sleep I now realise cause cognitive distortions.
    Being able to cope on low sleep helped at work, but I did not realise the toll.

    I prioritized work and did well till the financial crisis. Things have been less good since then and I have realised I have always done things to please other people and not for myself, have avoided asking for help and probably missed opportunities. Being hyper-independent has not helped. Prioritising work and keeping up an image has not made me happy.

    I can't turn the clock back and I have lost a good chunk of my life. It is proving very hard to deal with.
    I didn't find anyone else in the intervening period, but I didn't really look and I may well have come across as closed or just missed opportunities too.

    There is a bit more to this story too, elements of self harm through neglect, but I can't put it all on here.

    I just put it here to say be careful what you wish for, make sure it is really what you want and not a trauma response or a way to hide.

  • I think there's definitely something in that theory.

    Im usually calm in a crisis and very diplomatic, as a kid I was the opposite up till my 30s I would say.

    However I still occasionally get that anxious about something that if I was the one who responded I'd blow things completely up. My wife is great at being diplomatic when my fuse has blown. Often find situations where she's led the way although I feel a bit ashamed to say it, as a bloke were meant to always be the one who does (or at least being brought up in the 70/80s we were taught that way)

  • I sometimes wonder if we subconciously pick friends and partners who we feel are strong enough to protect us in some way? Of course this back fires, because they either don't protect us or it them thats the problem.

  • Dear TheCatWoman, 

    Thank you for posting to the Online Community and telling them what you have experienced. We are sorry to hear that you have been in abusive relationships.

    Domestic violence or abuse can happen to anyone. Find out how to recognise the signs and where to get help from the NHS Domestic Abuse Helplines: https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/ 

    The National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge) provides support for women experiencing domestic abuse. Open 24 hours per day, every day.  

    • Telephone: 0808 2000 247 

    You can find your local Victim Support service by searching online for ‘[geographical area/local police force] + ‘victim support’.   

    I hope this is helpful to you. 

    Kind Regards,

    Rosie Mod

  • I have always blamed myself for the way I have been treated. I feel like I let it happen and as soon as someone sees that you’re a push over they use that to their advantage. Maybe I thought that was what it was all about. 

  • I've just from a friend who's struggling with the old chestnut about them wanting you to do everything with them, but never wanting to do anything with you, its all got to be about them and thier needs, wishes and likes.

    Thinking about it I replied earlier about relationships as in partners, I have had quite a few friends over the years but they have also been in control and always expected me to support them but not the other way around. I did have a so called best friend which the friendship fell apart around 8 years ago. He was always playing games with me and expecting me to listen to his constant rants about his family and how he had been treated badly by everyone. This of course used to affect my mood and general wellbeing and although I was a good friend to him he got very angry one day and threatened me. That was the end of that one but when I think back most of my so called friends have always had some sort of control over me and abusing my kind nature. I have acquaintances now and only one friend. 

  • I've just from a friend who's struggling with the old chestnut about them wanting you to do everything with them, but never wanting to do anything with you, its all got to be about them and thier needs, wishes and likes.

    If theres something I want to do, I just plan to do it alone, looking back I've almost never had someone willing to do go anywhere or do anything I've wanted, so I've ended up either not doing it or doing it alone. It would be nice to have someone to share things with, but on the other hand, I don't have to accomodate anyone else, so if I want to stand in front of a picture or display case for ages I can and if theres something that dosen't interest me I can walk past it.

  • i feel the same i had so many people be mean and abusive to me.

  • Thank you. I manage. Sometimes it’s okay and sometimes it’s awful but I have 2 children I adore and who need me so life isn’t so bad. I totally relate to what CatWomen said about being asked what I would like to do which ends up being something they want to do, then down the line you get accused of never making any suggestions or helping to organise anything. Very confusing. 

  • I’m really sorry to hear that CatWomen and I am glad to hear that being alone has given you control of your day to day life. I often think about having a  peaceful existence but I have been convinced that I wouldn’t manage by myself, sometimes I truly believe that and sometimes I don’t. It feels very risky and a scary prospect at the minute. 
    I must admit the more I get to know people (partners and friends included) there isn’t many that are genuine or feel trustworthy. It’s a scary world. 

  • Your experience does not match that of all other Irish men and women. As an Irish woman, I do not identify with the women in your description. 

  • It's something that occurred to me recently and when I started to o look overall at what I do to mask, it's probably the biggest one.

    I've let life leed me mostly and people too, not to say anything is bad in my life in that sense, I've made decisions myself, but tend to let my wife and others "run things" and "plan things" , as I always feel it'd rock the boat if I often disagreed with everyone.

    I'm trying to figure how to get back in more control, or at least to feel I am, without causing too many problems 

  • Thanks AA, I'd never thought of it as being another aspect of masking, but I think you're and it is. I've had a lot of unhealthy female friendships too and I've sort of worked out how to avoid those, but not romatic relationships with men.

    Theres that old saying that women marry a man expecting him to change and a man marries a woman expecting she'll never change, I've actually found the opposite to be true, I know people will change as they age etc, what I don't expect is the sort of overnight change. When I moved in with with a now ex, we'd been together 3 years and got on mostly fine, however I felt as soon as I'd moved in the goal posts changed and it was like he was in charge and I had less and less say in what we did and how we lived. One of his first pronouncements was that I needed to do something "respectable" and got me a load of bumf about becoming a magistrate! I read it all and said I wasn't doing that and gave my reasons, which he didn't really like. He didn't like either of my jobs, working in a wholefood shop was too weird and oddly to high profile among our friendships groups. We argued a lot about my health and money, he was always trying to shut me about my health whilst saying that he wasn't going to be pushing me about in a wheelchair. I'd wasted my time having children when I should of been out earning money, but on the day I earned more than him through my hairdressing business he got really angry and had an absolute fit, that I as a mere hairdresser should earn more than him, a computer programmer, in a day. 

  • I am starting to see how agreeing and going along with things is part of masking. Also just how bad I am for doing it!

    I also think, that even if the other person doesn't realise it or have any malice, by letting them do it you can enforce it and it happens more.

    This obviously applies to any relationships whether it be emotional/romantic or just friend and family...

    I think it's best to start and be stronger and put our foot down if we feel we're heading this way, although it's extremely hard to risk rejection by disagreeing. My gran often used to say to people "don't be a doormat" , think she had a good point!

  • Perhaps from a British perspective. But, from an Irish perspective, the women demand that we all become as houseproud as them. The old stories about, "Mummy wouldn't have let us near the table if our room wasn't shining!" I was too withdrawn, and sulky, as a young boy. But, now, I'm even more overwhelmed.

  • I've found a lot of men are interested in status too and looks, if you don't look or sound right, if you don't do the right things then they don't want you.

  • I was never in a proper relationship. However, those closest to me kept saying, "It's too dangerous heading out!" and "I don't want anything bad happening to you!" plus that old Chestnut, "I think the World of ye!"

    In order to grow, and develop wings, I headed to places behind Gran's back. However, it helped me grow. And I am more capable.

    I wanted to get Married, and bcome a Dad. However, the women in my area are obsessed with Homes and Status. Plus, gossip and scandal; My Gran and Mum were the same.

  • I think we can have self respect and to an extent change our ways, but I think the lack of respect is gradual and it creeps, how does one tell the difference between a genuine mistake, an ordinary spat and whats abuse. I like I said before a black eye is obviously abusive, but the other stuff, thats much more difficult. I know I have problems, especially with things like conflict resolution, being an only child certainly didn't help with this.

    But for me the overwhelming thing is so many men my age are so selfish and think they've got a right to have everything their own way. I know there will be lots of people, women in successful relationship and men who will disagree, but this is my experience. I'm really gald that my experience isn't shared by everybody and that there are some men who don't have a massive sense of entitlement.

    Some people would encourage me to get back out there and not give up, theres someone for everyone and I haven't found "the one" yet. But, the otherside of that is, continuing a course of action that you know dosen't work and expecting the result to be different.

    I've seen some people have the same bad relationship over and over again with a different partner, it's like they've got this ideal in thier heads and are trying to cram someone into it. I think men and women are equally bad at this, but they will resist any attempts to get them to consider that it's thier ideal thats wrong and not the people.

  • Thank-you  I'll have a read later. 

1 2