Abusive relationships

I thought I didn't want anyone, so I have been on my own for 27 years. It has been up and down as doing everything on your own,holidays, meals, travel, hotels, days out, even having breakfast everyday, is tough
I was with someone for 7 years and it ended badly with me broken and an emotional wreck. I somehow ended up depressed and pushed her away. We used to do everything together, but it had not been plain sailing for the preceding 6 years.

I thought I was OK, but I broke down in tears at Christmas. I watched a lot of stuff online and went to see a psychologist after being convinced I didn't need one. I realised I have suppressed an awful lot and never really dealt with things. I thought I didn't understand women and was not good enough. It also came out I may be autistic.

I have been really struggling with the idea it was all a double empathy issue and I misread it all. Rather then being depressed I was suffering from burnout. Rather than seek help as she said I shut down and rejected it all. I was so sure I was right and was being manipulated.
She always seemed a bit cold and missed all my gestures of affection. I spent so much effort analysing everything each night I couldn't keep it up (I assume it was masking and I was also scripting). Her mood swings were terrible and I couldn't predict what responses would be coming. I thought there was narcissistic abuse, there may have been as I think she told me on day 2 she was. I didn't know what it meant.

I loved her and fancied as much on the last day as on the first.

I am afraid I pushed away the one person who really loved me and knew me and screwed my life.
The overwhelming sense of loss over the last 4 months has been killing me as I have wondered if my life could really have been very different.

I have always struggled with sleep, for more than 40 years, and episodes of particularly poor sleep I now realise cause cognitive distortions.
Being able to cope on low sleep helped at work, but I did not realise the toll.

I prioritized work and did well till the financial crisis. Things have been less good since then and I have realised I have always done things to please other people and not for myself, have avoided asking for help and probably missed opportunities. Being hyper-independent has not helped. Prioritising work and keeping up an image has not made me happy.

I can't turn the clock back and I have lost a good chunk of my life. It is proving very hard to deal with.
I didn't find anyone else in the intervening period, but I didn't really look and I may well have come across as closed or just missed opportunities too.

There is a bit more to this story too, elements of self harm through neglect, but I can't put it all on here.

I just put it here to say be careful what you wish for, make sure it is really what you want and not a trauma response or a way to hide.

Stuart, you sound like you've had an awful time of it. ((hugs))

Stuart, you sound like you've had an awful time of it. ((hugs))