I don't feel like I've ever had a non abusive relationship, I've had 4 long term relationships and whilst the abuse hasn't been physical, its certainly been psychological and only looking back do I see how damaging they've been. I'm so much better off on my own and never want another relationship again.
Does anyone else feel the same?
I believe I am in one of those, it’s taken me a long time to realise this and it’s going to take me a lot longer to decide when enough is enough. Very complicated situation and not easy for me to break away but I’ve only just started to see how much being controlled and lead around can affect your mental state. I don’t blame you for wanting to be alone, it sounds very peaceful.
My dad was physically, psychologically and verbally abusive and I seem to have had partners who show different sorts of abusive behaviour, certainly a lot of controlling behaviour. I think coersive control and psychological manipulation is really difficult as you've nothing to point at that people can see and understand is wrong, iike a black eye or something. It creeps up in the relationship and often I've found myself in to deep to get out easily or assert any control. Like when I moved in with an ex at his invitation and he said he didn't realise I was bringing so much stuff with me, he thought I'd just bring a suitcase with some clothes? I mean like WTF? Then asked me a couple of years later what I wanted to do for my 40th birthday, maybe a long weekend away? I said I'd like to go to the Eden Project in Cornwall, a few weeks later I was informed that we weren't going to the Eden Project or Cornwall, instead we were going to London and the Globe theatre, I refused to go, I hate theatre and London, if I wanted to go to London, then it would of been to galleries and museums. He was always doing stuff like that, asking me where I wanted to go or what I anted to do, I'd say and then find out we were going somewhere completely different, once when we in the car on the motorway.
I've felt in a couple of relationships that being asked what I'd like or where I'd like to go is a trick question, and one I inevitably give the wrong answer too, then a row ensues and I seem to end up in the wrong..again, it just feels like a no win situation. Or, 'I'll take you anywhere in the world you want to go', I suggest a couple fo things, like Cyprus or Scandinavia, even Orkney and end up being shouted at and it all ended up with him saying it was his apartment in Turkey or nothing. The place his apaprtment was was horrible, like the worst of the British seaside with hot weather.
Now I thankfully no longer have a libido, I feel free to see to my own emotional needs and that dosen't include a "relationship" with someone who's going to tell me how to live, wants me to be a one woman service team and pick up all the jobs and stuff they don't want, can't be bothered with or don't want to finish, or do badly. It would be nice to have someone to do things with sometimes, but I think I'd rather go on my own and not have the hassle of someone else. When you live on your own, everything is where you left it, nothing has been rearranged, moved, thrown out or had stuff dumped on it. I don't have to worry about someone chopping onions on the bread board, I can have friends with no one to complain about them, nobody to complain about what I call my cats, what I want to do in the garden and why. Being on my own gives me a sense of inner spaciousness and calm, similar to meditation, it almost feels like living meditation. Something else I find very hard to do when I'm with somebody, I was once told by an ex that they thought I wouldn't want or need to 'do all spiritual stuff, now I had a man', I mean WTF?
My dad was physically, psychologically and verbally abusive and I seem to have had partners who show different sorts of abusive behaviour, certainly a lot of controlling behaviour. I think coersive control and psychological manipulation is really difficult as you've nothing to point at that people can see and understand is wrong, iike a black eye or something. It creeps up in the relationship and often I've found myself in to deep to get out easily or assert any control. Like when I moved in with an ex at his invitation and he said he didn't realise I was bringing so much stuff with me, he thought I'd just bring a suitcase with some clothes? I mean like WTF? Then asked me a couple of years later what I wanted to do for my 40th birthday, maybe a long weekend away? I said I'd like to go to the Eden Project in Cornwall, a few weeks later I was informed that we weren't going to the Eden Project or Cornwall, instead we were going to London and the Globe theatre, I refused to go, I hate theatre and London, if I wanted to go to London, then it would of been to galleries and museums. He was always doing stuff like that, asking me where I wanted to go or what I anted to do, I'd say and then find out we were going somewhere completely different, once when we in the car on the motorway.
I've felt in a couple of relationships that being asked what I'd like or where I'd like to go is a trick question, and one I inevitably give the wrong answer too, then a row ensues and I seem to end up in the wrong..again, it just feels like a no win situation. Or, 'I'll take you anywhere in the world you want to go', I suggest a couple fo things, like Cyprus or Scandinavia, even Orkney and end up being shouted at and it all ended up with him saying it was his apartment in Turkey or nothing. The place his apaprtment was was horrible, like the worst of the British seaside with hot weather.
Now I thankfully no longer have a libido, I feel free to see to my own emotional needs and that dosen't include a "relationship" with someone who's going to tell me how to live, wants me to be a one woman service team and pick up all the jobs and stuff they don't want, can't be bothered with or don't want to finish, or do badly. It would be nice to have someone to do things with sometimes, but I think I'd rather go on my own and not have the hassle of someone else. When you live on your own, everything is where you left it, nothing has been rearranged, moved, thrown out or had stuff dumped on it. I don't have to worry about someone chopping onions on the bread board, I can have friends with no one to complain about them, nobody to complain about what I call my cats, what I want to do in the garden and why. Being on my own gives me a sense of inner spaciousness and calm, similar to meditation, it almost feels like living meditation. Something else I find very hard to do when I'm with somebody, I was once told by an ex that they thought I wouldn't want or need to 'do all spiritual stuff, now I had a man', I mean WTF?
I’m really sorry to hear that CatWomen and I am glad to hear that being alone has given you control of your day to day life. I often think about having a peaceful existence but I have been convinced that I wouldn’t manage by myself, sometimes I truly believe that and sometimes I don’t. It feels very risky and a scary prospect at the minute.
I must admit the more I get to know people (partners and friends included) there isn’t many that are genuine or feel trustworthy. It’s a scary world.
I think we can have self respect and to an extent change our ways, but I think the lack of respect is gradual and it creeps, how does one tell the difference between a genuine mistake, an ordinary spat and whats abuse. I like I said before a black eye is obviously abusive, but the other stuff, thats much more difficult. I know I have problems, especially with things like conflict resolution, being an only child certainly didn't help with this.
But for me the overwhelming thing is so many men my age are so selfish and think they've got a right to have everything their own way. I know there will be lots of people, women in successful relationship and men who will disagree, but this is my experience. I'm really gald that my experience isn't shared by everybody and that there are some men who don't have a massive sense of entitlement.
Some people would encourage me to get back out there and not give up, theres someone for everyone and I haven't found "the one" yet. But, the otherside of that is, continuing a course of action that you know dosen't work and expecting the result to be different.
I've seen some people have the same bad relationship over and over again with a different partner, it's like they've got this ideal in thier heads and are trying to cram someone into it. I think men and women are equally bad at this, but they will resist any attempts to get them to consider that it's thier ideal thats wrong and not the people.
Your reasoning seems undebatable! You surely are better living by yourself than with this kind of people. But (I imagine) there are good men out there, and the reason you (and me) never got involved with one of them is this:
My dad was physically, psychologically and verbally abusive and I seem to have had partners who show different sorts of abusive behaviour, certainly a lot of controlling behaviour.
Don't you think that we (women and men who've had abusive parents) can go on with our life at some point and change our ways, so that we'll be able to have self respect and attract people who respect us too? Or learn how to set boundaries in new and existing relationships?
